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THE RULES

The following rant was prompted by a certain right-winger’s slam of a well-known liberal, on the grounds that he sent his kids to private school.

"The rule" written by polemicists on the right is that liberals can never be richwithout being branded as hypocrites.

However, righties can be as obscenely wealthy as they wish.

Michael Moore is a disgusting hypocrite because he pays to send his kids to a good school.

Ken Lay, however, was a fine American who had twenty homes within a one-hour drive of one another, and had them furnished with items like $15,000 umbrella stands.

Liberals who are wealthy are hypocrites because they claim to care for poor people.

Conservatives who are wealthy are not hypocrites because they live by the old-fashioned values of the common man.

Conservatives like Richard Mellon Scaife who plow money into supporting the policies they favor are great champions of what they believe.

Liberals like George Soros who plow money into supporting the policies they believe are "shadowy," "sinister" figures "outside the mainstream" who are "trying to buy our democracy."

If a liberal (including any Hollywood star) shows any political activism, it's out of "guilt" and we should laugh at them for presuming that we care what they think.

If a conservative (including any Hollywood star) shows any political activism, it's out of "conviction" and we should start thinking about what political office he should hold.

When the Dixie Chicks express their disgust for President Bush, they're just trying to be "shocking", and their records should be burned.

When Toby Keith writes a kick-ass-for-America song, he's being a true American.

If Hollywood makes a message movie with a left-wing bent, they're "preaching."

If Hollywood makes a message movie with a right-wing bent, it's a great moment of patriotism that should get quoted in Presidential speeches, and you need to take everybody in the church to the theatre by bus.

When conservative celebrities show equivalent disgust for Hillary Clinton, they’re just being “outspoken,“ and should be praised.

When liberals make reference to 9/11, they are only pretending they weren’t secretly hoping for it to happen.

When conservatives rush to Ground Zero to get their picture taken, they are showing their love for America.

When Sean Penn drops what he's doing and rushes to Katrina-ravaged New Orleans and spends the day rescuing dozens of people from the wreckage of their homes, it's downright hilarious because he's just trying to look good for the cameras, and personalities who have spent the day sitting behind desks on TV sets are perfectly justified in calling him a self-aggrandizing idiot.

These are the rules, people. I'm surprised you can't get them straight.

July 3 2007

 

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