Wake up, Polly Parrot.

 











One Hundred Things You Probably Didn't Know About Brian Plante

  • Was born to a circus family -- his mom was a tight-rope walker and his dad an animal handler. He ran away from home at a young age and joined a farm.
  • Won numerous medals and ribbons at local fairs for his famous coconut flake angel food cake.
  • Taught classical Russian literature to disadvantaged inner-city kids in Baltimore.
  • Performed Brahms on musical instruments of his own invention for various heads of state in Europe.
  • Ran with the bulls in Pamplona.
  • Spent a week in the hospital in Pamplona.
  • Broke Michael Flatley's nose when he stopped short in a revolving door.
  • Is an avid golfer, but still has occasional difficulty getting past the windmill.
  • Has performed an appendectomy on his wife during a transatlantic crossing in a 20-foot sailboat. Later learned she didn't really need the operation, but, you know, it was getting pretty boring just staring at the waves.
  • Began training as a Navy Seal, but was kicked out after two weeks for picking his nose and flicking the boogers at his commanding officer just one too many times.
  • Subscribes to 22 magazines, mostly on stock market trading, contract bridge, computer aided embroidery and NASCAR.
  • In junior high school, was kicked off the wrestling team for using the three-fingered choke hold.
  • Has patented a computer video display on a contact lens. You'll be hearing more about this just as soon as he solves the problem with the wires.
  • Owns three rottweilers and six cats. Um, make that five cats. Damn stupid dogs.
  • Was a contestant on Jeopardy and would have won, but forgot to phrase the final answer in the form of a question.
  • Once showed up at a black tie formal dressed as the Pillsbury Doughboy. I'll get you for this, Barbara.
  • Learned to write crib notes on his fingernails so tiny that even he can't read them.
  • Has three or four children, he thinks.
  • Grows moss on his lawn instead of grass. It never needs mowing and it looks great, sorta.
  • Drives to work in a souped-up golf cart that the New York Mets formerly used to bring in pitchers from the bull pen. He repainted the cart's baseball body to look like a giant happy face.
  • Originator of the "paperless bathroom" concept.
  • Has webbing between his toes. This gives him the ability to swim very fast, but he can't wear flip-flops around the pool.
  • Has three metal pins in his left knee. This was the result of a horribly botched attempt at self-acupuncture for a persistent headache, when he inserted the wrong kind of pins too deep and could not retrieve them. And the headache still won't go away.
  • Has a comet named for him.
  • Bought 8000 shares of Imclone stock from Martha Stewart.
  • Wife won't let him say a word at weddings, funerals and bar mitzvahs. Not any more.
  • Is color blind, but only in one eye.
  • Once made a paper airplane that flew 1050 feet off the 86th floor of the Empire State Building. Coincidently, the 86th floor is 1050 feet high.
  • Rode the Staten Island Ferry for 36 consecutive round trips on a dare. To this day, he gets morose whenever he sees the image of the Statue of Liberty.
  • Lives in North Carolina, but has never eaten grits.
  • Is the organizer of a grass roots movement to get office workers to stop using spreadsheet software for text data that requires no mathematical operations. Learn to use the table feature of your word processors, people.
  • Discovered a spot of rare skin cancer on his buttocks when he photocopied his butt at a dermatologists convention.
  • Is adept at swallowing air and belching out Green Eggs And Ham. To this day, his teenage kids are totally freaked out by Dr. Seuss.
  • Still holding out for a Supertramp reunion.
  • Is probably related to hockey legend Jacques Plante.
  • His dad looks like Bob Newhart.
  • His favorite writing instrument is a Sanford Logo mechanical pencil, because the eraser is three inches long and, well, he uses that a lot.
  • Is required to register with the local police department whenever he moves into a new neighborhood, due to an unfortunate incident at Foodtown involving a watermelon.
  • Has yellow sticky notes six deep all around his computer monitor.
  • Bred an orchid that looks exactly like a baseball catcher's mitt.
  • Usually inserts at least one spelling, grammer, or punctuation error in every online post, just to see if anyone notices.
  • If he were a tree, would be . . . the larch.
  • Favorite color is Day-Glo orange.
  • Flies into a rage whenever the weather forecaster predicts a 30% chance of rain.
  • In broadcasting school, coined the phrase, ". . . and the sad thing is . . . this didn't have to happen."
  • If you connect the freckles on his back with a Sharpie, he'll probably beat the crap out of you.
  • Has two navels.
  • Has a closet full of pogs, beanie babies, pokemon cards, yo-yo's, pet rocks, snake eggs, wall-walkers, and every game ever made for the Atari 2600 game platform.
  • Spent one summer punching cows. Quit when they learned to punch back.
  • Has a vein in his forehead that pops out whenever he gets a good poker hand.
  • Modified his Roomba robotic vacuum to round up the cockroaches and torture them mercilessly.
  • At the Home Depot, occasionally switches the labels between bottles of MiracleGro and Round-Up.
  • Once did a killer PowerPoint presentation proving that circus clowns are scary, not funny.
  • Loves making angels in the snow, walking barefoot along the shore at sunset, listening to the birdsong symphony on spring mornings, inhaling the heady aroma of hyacinths in bloom, sipping wine in front of a roaring fire on a cold winter's day with the one he loves, and watching stray dogs go at it in the middle of the road.
  • Has both a size ten foot and a size ten mouth, making for a perfect fit.
  • Has invented a diabolical new fold for a map that makes it nearly impossible to restore to its original form.
  • Speed reads at 2500 words a minute, but only with 10% retention. When he gets to the end of a book, he usually turns back to the beginning and starts over. Several times. This saves a lot on book purchases.
  • Owns a rack of ties from the '70's that are wider than his head. No, he's not waiting for the style to come back -- he's wearing them now!
  • Writes his first drafts in longhand so illegible he can barely read it. When he types it up, it's practically a different story, because he usually can't figure out what he meant in the first place.
  • Is totally creeped out by Disney's "It's A Small World" ride.
  • Eats cold pizza for breakfast. Sometimes he doesn't even bother to thaw it.
  • Thinks coffee is just so much roasted beans in hot water.
  • Owns nearly every SF "best of the year" anthology published. If someone put out their grocery list and called it The Best SF Grocery List Of The Year, he'd probably buy it.
  • Played David Bowie cover songs (among others) in rock bands in high school and college with a guy named Reeves Gabrels, who went on to play guitar for real with Bowie for many years. Go, Reeves!
  • Had a puppy for a couple of weeks when he was five years old, but it ran away. Or that's what he was told. Years later, learned his mom made his dad take it to the pound because it wasn't house-trained. Like they're supposed to come that way.
  • Has met with many aliens. Most of them are from India and write computer programs.
  • Has hacked the software so he can cheat at computer solitaire.
  • Was once trapped for a time in a cave, until the ride operator started it up again. It was probably just some wheelchair guy getting on the ride that held things up, but it was still pretty scary.
  • His heart races and he breaks into a cold sweat whenever he sees Santa Claus.
  • Really, really likes those candy Lindt Lindor Truffles, but gets blank stares from sales people when he asks them for those "lint balls."
  • Insists on pronouncing the names of Italian foods like Tony Soprano, which confuses the hell out of the waiters at the Olive Garden in Charlotte, North Carolina.
  • First wanted to be a writer at the tender age of 35. Luckily by then the PC had been invented, or it never would have happened. He's a terrible typist.
  • Thinks American Ovaltine is vile and buys the imported stuff from Canada and England, which is just like the Ovaltine he remembers as a kid.
  • Is in a couple of crowd scenes in Saturday Night Fever . . . and still owns that suit.
  • Used to work in the World Trade Center, years before 9/11.
  • As a kid, thought magic tricks were real, and consequently is missing the index finger of his left hand.
  • Keeps librarians on their toes by complaining about incorrectly categorized books.
  • While often writing stories set in space, would probably never go there if he had the opportunity. Chicken.
  • Has no fear of flying. Has a great fear of crashing.
  • On long car trips has a habit of constantly asking, "Are we there yet," even when he's driving.
  • Pronounces pecans as "pee-CAWNS" because "PEE-cans" are what his dad kept in the car on long trips so we wouldn't have to pull over for every damned rest stop.
  • Has all his own teeth, although some of them are in a drawer someplace.
  • Worked his way through college by regularly selling several of his bodily fluids.
  • First wife still thinks he's a Mister Softee ice-cream man. Shhh, don't tell, or she'll want more money.
  • Daydreams complete stories, with subplots, in business meetings. He once sent out meeting minutes to his coworkers where the action items were replaced with plot points.
  • Can play the Minute Waltz in 49 seconds flat (but a bit longer when in tune).
  • Has the strength to crush ice in his bare hands (but no one wants to drink his cocktails).
  • Las Vegas casinos have banned him for his legendary card-counting skill (or maybe it was the bad checks).
  • His tennis serve is unreturnable (on the rare occasion when it actually goes in).
  • He can paint, plaster, stucco, grout, lay bricks, and pour concrete like a pro (when his wife can get him off the couch).
  • In 1998, he baked a cinnamon roll that miraculously looked like the head of the drummer in Herman's Hermits.
  • He performed a hostage negotiation and saved the lives of six frightened little children from the clutches of a deranged Good Humor man in Albany NY.
  • Mother Teresa appeared to him in a vision, thanked him for all his good works, and told him he would win both the Hugo and Nebula awards.
  • His wife is the most beautiful woman in North Carolina. The next time he's in the dog-house, he'll remind her he wrote this.
  • Doesn't own a TV. Or so he tells his friends. Yeah, right -- just try and get him on the phone when The Simpsons is on.
  • Gained 28 pounds on Jared's "Subway Diet." Did you know, they'll pile anything on those subs if you ask nicely? Can you say, "Just a little more cheese, please."
  • Can juggle six balls (but not all at the same time).
  • While gardening in his back yard, unearthed what appeared to be a prehistoric fossil, but it turned out to be his grandma's dentures.
  • Wanted to be a lighthouse keeper when he grew up.
  • Has every state-of-the-art piece of gym equipment in his garage. He breaks a sweat just looking at it.
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