Wake up, Polly Parrot.


Creed Of The Modest God
as told to Brian Plante

This past Sunday, god appeared to me. At least, I think he did. It might have just been a bad dream, brought on by too many mind-numbing hours of watching auto racing on TV, drinking beer and eating pizza with the works. Anyway, when I came to my senses, the little pad I keep with me at all times to record ideas for my writing was filled with several pages of chicken scratchings from the encounter, so it must have really happened. Here's how I reconstructed it from my notes:

"Are you God?" I asked, squinting at the light (which may have been the halogen reading lamp that's positioned over my La-Z-Boy).

"Hey, it's your dream," he said. "We can play it that way, if you'd like."

In my notes, I underlined the word "play" three times, with a question mark above it.

"But, you're like, him, the supreme being, creator of heaven and earth, right?"

"Well, yeah, sort of."

"Sort of?"

"It's not what you think. You people have it all wrong about me. I'm not some master puppeteer sitting way up on a cloud pulling your strings, you know."

"Then what are you?"

At this point, I wrote down my impression that god was smiling at me, although he had no definite shape that I could have possibly observed to be "smiling."

"Just write this down," he said. "Are you ready?"

I was. Hey, I'm a writer. I'm always ready to write down important details. God must have been talking fast, because my handwriting became nearly illegible at this point, but this is what he wants us to know:

  • God does not want you to capitalize his name or any personal pronouns referring to him, unless they occur at the beginning of the sentence.
  • God does not care if you believe in him. If he did, he'd show himself and say so. What warped sort of god do you think would require everyone to believe in him and then hide so that we wouldn't know what to believe?
  • God did not create man to worship and serve him. Man arose, like everything else, as a result of the physical laws of his universe. What kind of petty, masturbatory god would create billions of intelligent beings simply for the purpose of having them bow down before him?
  • Praying to god is not necessary. He doesn't want to hear your wish list. He doesn't get involved on a personal level. He doesn't micromanage human affairs, but is more of a "big-picture" sort of god.
  • God does not generally perform miracles that defy the physical laws that he created. He made the physical laws for a reason, and sees no reason to set a bad example by breaking them.
  • God does not want people to fight wars on his behalf. He does not take sides in war. Anyone who claims that god is on his side is lying.
  • God does not want churches, temples, mosques or synagogues built in his name. He's no more present in those places than he is anywhere else in the universe, and you probably have something better to do with your time and money than build him shrines.
  • God is not a big fan of the clergy. No human is authorized to speak on his behalf, and no one's voice carries any more weight than any other's, and anyone saying otherwise is itching to be smitten.
  • If you give money to people who claim to be collecting on god's behalf, you are not really giving the money to god, but to other humans. Some of them do good things with the money, and others are just plain cheats. God isn't a bean-counter.
  • Attempts to depict god in artwork or prose are all completely false. God is not human and has no physical form that can be depicted or described in human terms.
  • God doesn't care if you worship other gods. How you waste your allotted lifetime is up to you.
  • God does not invite us into his home when we die, and suggests we make the best of it here on Earth.
  • Natural disasters are not punishment sent by god, but just phenomena that arise from the physical laws that govern the universe. That's why they're called natural disasters.
  • God does not have a "holy book." All of those are written by humans.
  • God does not care if you live or die. He does not care if humanity survives.
  • God does not impose commandments, but physical laws. Everything and everyone arise from that.
  • God does not judge us, now or when we're dead.
  • Since God doesn't care if you believe in him; there is no such thing as an "infidel" or "pagan" or "heathen." True believers and atheists can be bad or good or anything in between.
  • If you really believe you've seen god, you are mistaken. He doesn't work that way.
  • God has not sent a savior, nor is he planning to send one in the future. Man does not need to be "saved." Get on with your lives, already.
  • God is not watching you. He has better things to do.
  • God is honored by your doing well whatever it is you do.
  • God does not care what sort of clothing you wear or food you eat.
  • God does not want musicians to thank him at the Grammy awards. God's appalled by the current state of American pop music and doesn't want any credit for that sort of thing, really.
  • God does not mind if you take his name in vain. He's not really listening, but if he was, he says, "Sticks and stones may break my bones . . ."
  • When people call out god's name while having sex, he thinks it's pretty funny.
  • God has a sense of humor. It's all around you, if you only have the eyes to see it.
  • God chooses not to reveal himself (except on very rare occasions, to dullards who won't be believed anyway).
"But why are you telling all this to me?" I asked, when god's ramblings had slowed down and it seemed like he was running out of things to say. "Am I some sort of chosen one?"

"Oh yeah, right, like anyone's gonna believe you," he said.

Copyright © 2003 Brian Plante Count= 5400

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