Divorce sucks rocks.

Big time. Even a civilised, amicable, agreeable divorce is awful, gut-wrenching and painful. Feelings of failure abound, feelings of not living up to the expectations of family, spouse, and society. Should we have stuck it out? Should we have tried harder? Should we have compromised more? At what point is it "too late" to keep going?

Obviously I do believe it's too late now, or I wouldn't have come this far. But it's very easy to look back and wish that things could have been different. When you first get married everything is so idealistic and full of hope. This will be the person you spend the rest of your life with, raise children with, grow old with. This is someone who will laugh and cry with you and take care of you when you're sick.

But of course, things change and people change.

I'm getting a lot of email from people asking me if I'm okay.

Well of course I'm not okay! This is probably the most horrible thing I've ever had to do. It represents the throwing away or changing of a lot of goals and hopes.

A better question is probably am I going to be okay. Well, of course. Eventually. I'll get over it. The alternative is to not get over it. I don't know how long it will take for either of us. Everything is too raw right now to think about it too much. My method of coping lately is to avoid thinking about it (which is one reason why I'm hoping this whole journal thingy will be good for me. It makes me think things through.)

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This sort of segues into a peeve of mine. People who don't "get over it." Yes, I know that there are some heinously traumatic things that can happen to a person. I've been through a couple myself, though I know that there are people who've been through worse. But it annoys me to no end when people absolutely dwell on this rotten thing that happened to them. I believe in therapy and psychiatric help. I believe that it takes time to recover from some things. But at some point you have to get over it. At some point you have to decide whether you're going to let this event, or person control the rest of your life. I despise it when someone says, "I will be in recovery for the rest of my life." If that's the case, then you're not in recovery. Recovery implies that someday you will recover. If you're never going to recover then you're not in Recovery, you're just in Whining.

Just fucking Get Over It, and try living.

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For anyone who is shocked, pissed or annoyed by this, remember that you were warned that I was going to get more honest. ;-)