Sorry about the relatively long absence from my journal. I don't have much excuse, except that nothing much has been going on, and the few things I wanted to talk about weren't quite "developed" enough in my head to put down on paper yet. And free time has a way of being eaten by little odds and ends, until suddenly it's past time that I should be in bed to wake up at 11pm and get ready for work.

Congratulations to C.J. Silverio and David Zink on their nuptials!

My entire family, except for my sister, reads this journal. Even my ex-husband reads it, which was somewhat odd to discover. I find myself self-censoring some of what I write here--not language, or point of views, but I do sometimes refrain from commenting on certain things going on in my life. Knowing that my family reads this makes me a touch more reticent about some issues that directly involve family members, especially when all is not sweetness and light. There are times I want to bitch and complain about things, but I don't want to hurt feelings, or burn bridges, so I just let those things stay out of the spotlight, and instead give you entries on the order of, "I cleaned my navel today."

Oh, don't get me wrong; I don't mind that they read, and in fact it really does make it easier for them all to know what's going on in my life. I think they all know that if they don't care for how I do my journal, or dislike the way I go about talking about my life, they always have the OFF switch on their computer. My ex still thinks that the whole journal thing is silly. "Get a life," he says. If it's so silly, why does he still read it?

Well, in the past few days there have been several posts in various journals in the Not A Webring group of journals about the need writers have for external validation. Kurt Roth, Terry Kanoga, and Tippi Blevins, among others, all wrote interesting views on writing, publication, validation, and being a Writer.

I've been mulling this over in my head for a few days now. I keep hearing that a writer shouldn't really need to be published to consider herself a writer. External validation is not really necessary if one is Truly A Writer (I keep hearing). You should write for yourself, and write what fills your soul, etc...

Okay, let's go straight to the issue of external validation. That's the one I see pop up the most. We don't really need external validation of our writing to feel secure in our abilities do we? We should be confident and sure of ourselves, we should know our hearts and minds, and if we are so insecure as to need external validation, well, then we must be lacking as people. Right?

Bullshit.

People need feedback in every facet of their lives. We go through life constantly seeking external validation, whether consciously or unconsciously. Most of the actions we do during a day are made with the thought of gaining some sort of positive validation, or at least avoid negative feedback. If we go out and get a new haircut, we hope to get positive comments. Even if it's merely on the order of, "New haircut?" that is still a validation of one's presence in a social circle. A comment means that we are enough of a member of this particular society that a new haircut will be noticed. And if the haircut actually draws an appreciative comment--"Wow... looks great!"--we feel validated in our decision to get it all cut off, or colored, or curled or whatever.

And if you try and insist that you don't care what people think of your hair or looks, then I ask, Why did you bother getting it cut/colored/curled then? If you truly don't care what people think, then why try and look good at all? Why did you put on that particular shirt? Or, why do you work so hard to be an excellent programmer/salesman/dresser? Everyone has something in their lives that they take pride in. And when you take pride in something, especially if you put a lot of effort into it, you naturally want others to notice and approve.

The analogy holds true for writing as well. Or any other endeavor, really. Yes, we do want external validation. Yes, it's needed. If you truly don't care what other people think of your writing, then why would you ever bother to improve your writing? If you really never care if people read your work, why bother writing it down in the first place?

But the trick is, we have to know in our own minds what level of validation we want, and we have to be realistic about it. A new haircut, if it's an especially nice one, will probably get responses from friends, family and co-workers. That's usually all the validation the average person requires for a new haircut. If we hope for the validation of Eileen Ford showing up on our doorstep and offering us a modeling contract, we are most likely going to be disappointed. And the analogy holds true for writing as well. Each of us knows just who we want to impress or prove ourselves to. For some people it's family, others it's co-workers. Kurt pointed out that the average Joe on the street has no clue about SF magazines, so that even if you do sell some stories, you're unlikely to get validation from Joe. But I believe that that's where the "being realistic about validation" comes in. Unless I become the next top bestseller, it's doubtful that Joe will ever know me from Adam. But, personally, that's not who I'm seeking validation from. I'm a writer of SF/F, and therefore, I'm seeking approval and validation from people within the genre. A sale to F&SF won't mean diddly to Joe, but it would sure mean something to most of the people I know in the writing community. Darn near every one of them would say, "Wow!" and mean it.

Our sources of validation may change as we go on in our lives. As we become more adept and more sure of ourselves the validation may change from making a sale, to winning an award, or to simply writing a story that makes a loved one cry. But the need will always be there. It's simply part of being human.

So yes, it's true. I want to sell. I want to make my first sale. I want to get published. I want to be able to say, "Why yes, I have sold something," even if I know that Joe will never read it. I want to be able to go to a convention and tell someone where they can read my work.

But, most of all, I want the validation of knowing that people are reading and enjoying my stories. And, quite frankly (to steal a quote my Clarion pal, Daniel), I want to feel the power of knowing that people are dreaming MY dreams. And in order to accomplish that, I need to sell and be published.