THE
WOMBAT WICCCA LAWS
by
Rosemary Edghill
c.
1978, 2000 Rosemary Edghill The
Law was made and ardane about a week from last Thursday. The
Law was made for the Wiccca, in order that they should develop a nice
longhand style from copying it. The
Wiccca should give due worship to the Gozd, presuming they believe the
Gozd exist and aren't just metaphors; and obey Their Will, which the HPS
of the Coven will make up as she goes along, for it was made for the
purpose of ego-tripping and wild parties. The worship of the Wiccca is
good for the owners of Occult Supply Stores, for the owners of Occult
Supply Stores love the money of the Wiccca. As
a man loveth a woman using the missionary position, so the Wiccca should
shaft their fellows and other total strangers frequently. And it is
necessary that the Magick Circle which is the principal difference
between a Wicccan rite and a frat party be cast and all Wiccca properly
purified to enter it so they can drink five gallons of Ripple each and
not throw up. The
HPS shall r/u/i/n/ rule her coven as the local representative of the
Goddess, and choose whomever she is sleeping with this week to be her
HP...or her Maiden. And
remember that the Wiccca would have it that The God Himself kissed her
feet and gave up the position of Ringmaster to her because of her
arbitrariness and autocracy, her spite and unreason, her mysteriousness
and ignorance: so the HP is expected to go as far away as possible and
not even show up for Sabbats. It
is the greatest virtue of a HPS that she turn as many of her Covenors
into closet Xtians as possible, for the true HPS realizes that anyone
with the sense Goddess gave a goose is not going to stick around without
having a death wish. In
the Olden Days when Wiccca extended far, we were free and had
reservations in all the best restaurants. But these days, we eat at
McDonald's. SO
BE IT ARDANE, that none but the Wiccca shall ever be invited to dinner,
for the people who ignore us are many, and if they ever found out what
we are really up to, they would giggle. SO
BE IT ARDANE, that no Coven shall know where the next Coven bide, nor
who its members be, save anybody who looks in Circle Newsletter and the
hit team we send out to sanction them. SO
BE IT ARDANE, that no one shall tell anyone anything, least of all thy
fellows in the Craft, for fear one of you will learn something; because
as it is truly writ: Gerald wrote it, I believe it, that settles it.
And
if any break these Laws, they will have to start their own Tradition and
make up their own Grandmother. Let
each HPS govern her Coven as she damn' well please, riding rough-shod
over the Covenors as long as they will stand for it. But
it must be recognized that sooner or later they will get mad and stop
bringing the Ripple to Coven meetings. When this happens, it hath ever
been the Old Law that the HPS will Elevate them to the Third Degree and
kick them out, and promise them the rest of the Book...someday. Anyone
of any degree or none may found a Coven, provided they think they can
get away with it and can create a convincing Grandmother. They
may raid other Covens for members as long as no one knows where to find
them. But
splitting the Coven oft means new opportunities for evading the
consequences of your actions, so the wise HPS will think of it first.
If
you should keep a Black Book, let it be in your own hand of write,
except for the parts you Xerox out of Lady Sheba. Or better yet, tell
everybody they're not of a high enough degree to see it. Proclaim
your Wicccahood loudly, and often; you may be able to do a brisk trade
in spells, psychic fairs, and talk shows. If nobody believes you, try
holding a public skyclad circle. If all else fails, hire a press agent
and advertise in the National Inquirer. If they try to make you talk of
the Brotherhood, lay it on with a trowel.
Ancient Atlantis is always good for a five-minute spot on the six
o' clock news. Not all interviewers are bad; some may even flash your
business address on the screen for a few seconds. To
avoid discovery, let your working tools be ordinary stuff such as any
may have around the house: AR-15's, Patton Tanks, Howitzers (let's see
how far we can stretch that First Amendment, gang!). Have no names or
signs on anything, and remove the ones they came with, as otherwise this
can lead to a charge of receiving stolen property. Let
the Pentacles be made of wax unless something else is more convenient.
Have
no sword, unless you are in the SCA or a collector of WWII memorabilia.
Write
the names and signs on a gummed label so that it can be peeled off
immediately afterwards; remember that not guilty by reason of insanity
is not a valid defense in cases of this kind. Ever remember that you are
the Hidden Children of the Goddess; when you can take time out from
Karma Dumping Runs, Psychic Vendettas, Banishing each other from the
Coven and discussing how much fun it would be to persecute the Xtians,
remember never to do anything to disgrace Her. Or Them, if that's
possible. In
the Olden Days, when we had Power, we could use the Art against any who
ill-treated us; but these days a whispering campaign works better.
Remember always that there are a lot of flaky people out there, and for
this reason it is best to give a fake name and a Post Office Box
address. Someone is always going to blame you for something. SO
BE IT ARDANE: HARM NONE, or at least have a good alibi. Never break this
law, or people who get burned along with you will come after you with
baseball bats, and you will never be able to score any decent hash
again. Any
HPS who does something you don't like you can walk out on, but be sure
to clout the Coven Book on the way to the door and set up in business
for yourself (Learn Witchcraft From The Experts!). Always
accept money for use of the Art, but keep an eye on the Gypsy Laws. In
some states, Barter works better. All may use the Art for their own
advantage; remember, quick and dirty works best, and you can lay off
Karma on the Coven. If that doesn't work, try dead cats in the mailbox.
'Tis
the Old Law and most important of all the Laws that no one may do
anything that will endanger any of the Craft. Unless there's money in
it, or it's to someone you think deserves it, and anyway,
"endanger" is in the eye of the beholder. In
any dispute between the Wiccca, no one may invoke any Law but that of
the Craft. However, you can
break into your opponent's home and mess up his stuff . . .
after all, it says right here they can't go to the Police. Never
bargain or haggle when you buy by the Art; most Occult Store owners will
just throw you out and everyone else will think you're a nut. It
is ever the way with men and with women that they are ruled by their
glands. At any moment your HPS may run off and become a Rosicrucian. And
the way of Resignation is this: if she doesn't answer her phone for two
weeks and is never home when you drive by, you can declare her outcast
from the Coven and take it over yourself, with as many as will have you.
But if she comes back she will probably take of the Coven again, or
start another one in the same building and declare you Invalid, and
there's not much you can do about it.
Learn to live with anxiety. Get everything in writing. It
hath been found that two people sitting around with a bottle of Chianti
discussing Atlantean Grandmothers will become fond of each other, if
only because of the Stockholm Syndrome. Therefore, let it be resolved
that a human being shall be taught in the Craft only by another human
being, and screw the middle-class morality of the nineteen-fifties.
And
the Curses of the Mighty Ones be on all who try to take this seriously,
or the Craft seriously, or the Wiccca seriously. Caveat Lector, and May
The Force Be With You! Rosemary
Edghill
|