Omens and Portents

Exploding cigarettes--Washington Post, May 24, 1997
(It had to happen sooner or later: anti-smoking terrorism!)

Virginia high school students invent edible plastic--Washington Times, May 25, 1997
(Funny, we thought McDonald's had been selling the stuff for years...)

Is Jesus back on Earth? Thousands of eye witnesses say yes! --Weekly World News
(But the really big audience will come when he hosts Saturday Night Live.)

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Photographed in the Arizona Desert
(Next up: Rose Garden photo op)

Post Office Discovers 2000 Year Old Letter from Jesus Christ
(Postmaster insists it will be delivered "any day now")

Jungle Tribe Worships Howard Stern as a God --Weekly World News, June 10, 1997
(And Baba Booey is His prophet.)

Worldwide Quakes Release Demons from Hell! --Weekly World News, June 17
(But no big deal--most of them were eligible for parole soon anyway.)

And:

Jesus' Handprint Found! --The Sun, June 17

(And Judas' fingerprints were on the O.J. murder weapon.)

"It was as if the final trump had sounded, and Judgment Day set in with more than usual severity..."

--P.G. Wodehouse

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning."

--Robert Duvall

"This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper."

--T.S. Eliot

"The Antichrist is in our garage."

--Mike Doonesbury