The Geekado

or, The Town of Sunnydale

Libretto by Marina Frants
Music by Arthur Sullivan

Feel free to send feedback to the author.

Act 1

Scene -- UC Sunnydale campus. A chorus of FANGEEKS frolics on the lawn,doing the Dorky!dance.
Fangeeks:

If you want to know who we are,
We are fangeeks from mailing lists,
We have set our VCRs
To tape all the shows we've missed.
Whether the plots make sense or they dont,
We'll dissect them from back to front,
You're wrong if you think we won't, oh!

If you think we'll no longer post
Just because it's rerun heck,
Then you're more naive than most,
'Cause we'll post all sort of dreck,
Perhaps you think this fic
Is just a one-post trick,
If that's you're idea you're thick, oh!

If you want to know who we are,
We are fangeeks from mailing lists,
Writing fic, 'cause we're sick,
Many, many, many, many fic, oh!
Enter RILEY FINN, looking lost

Riley:  Excuse me, could someone tell me where I might find Buffy Summers? About this high, blonde, kind of peculiar?

Voice from crowd: Who wants to know?

Riley:Come over here and I'll tell you.
sings
A new arrival I,
I'm living in a bubble,
All forms of grief and trouble
have so far passed me by.
I have no murky past,
No dirty secrets hidden,
I'm not at all angst-ridden,
I should be running fast.

Just because I never learned to brood,
You know I'm doomed.
(It's hopeless, hopeless.)
Normal people on this show are screwed,
You know I'm doomed,
(It's hopeless, hopeless)
Doesn't matter if I stay alert,
Or how good I look without a shirt,
Somehow I will I wind up eating dirt,
My future looms.
(It's hopeless, hopeless)

But I wouldn't yet start reaching for the tissues,
I know that in the end I'll be all right,
For whenever Buffy's love life is at issue,
The boyfriend always must survive the fight.
I know that I've been chosen for a reason,
I'm tough enough to handle the abuse.
My contract is extended through next season... (pause, blink)
Why is everybody looking so amused?

And if you wish for a year-long arc
With many a twist and turn,
With logic murky, muddled and dark,
Where the end result doesn't quite hit the mark,
We've got storylines to burn.

To play with military toys
Is Joss's whim this year,
With abrupt and inconsistent ploys,
And conflict tame,
And a villain lame,
But some damn good-looking boys, yes sir!
That's what you'll be getting here.

A new arrival I... etc.

Enter Xander

Xander: And what do you want with Buffy?

Riley: It's like this: one night I was hanging out at The Bronze with my amazingly good-looking frat-boy friends, when I saw Buffy on the dance floor.  I was immediately smitten, and wanted to approach her, but I'd heard about her watcher, Giles.  My endearing farmboy naivete, combined with exposure to certain kinds of fan fiction, made me believe that he was the love interest, so reluctantly backed off.

Xander: Man, you are clueless, aren't you?

Riley:  I'm working on it.  Anyway, you can imagine how thrilled I was to find out that Giles was only the mentor father-figure.  I decided to come right back to Sunnydale, and present myself as a potential love interest.

Xander: I hate to tell you this, but you're shit out of luck.  See, over the summer, we got this new directive from Joss--

Riley: (wide-eyed) The Geekado?

Xander: Himself.  Let me tell you all about it.
sings
Our great Geekado, sadistic man,
When he to write this show began,
Resolved to try
A plan whereby
We'd all be made to suffer.
So he decided on the spot,
Refusing any ifs or buts,
To give each one of us a plot,
To make our lives much tougher.

By this decision we'll abide,
For he was right to so decide,
And I am right, and you are right,
And all is right, we say with pride!

Chorus: And I am right, and you are right, etc...

Xander:
This harsh decision, as you know,
Caused lots of fear throughout the show,
A sense of dread
Each week would spread,
It was to be expected.
As all our lives went down the drain,
With never-ending angst and pain,
Believe me when I tell you plain,
We'd rather be dissected.

I'm sure you see as I explain
That we are right to thus complain,
And I am right, and you are right,
Oh yes, we're all quite right again.

Chorus: And I am right, and you are right, etc...

Xander:
But time went on and it transpired
That even Joss can become tired.
He's led us well through pain and hell
To high school graduation.
And then he told us, hey guess what,
The sky is blue, the beach is hot,
Get Giles to write you all a plot,
I'm going on vacation.

And I am sure that we all know
That he was right to tell us so,
And I am right, and you are right,
And all is right, woo-hoo, ho-ho!

Chorus: And I am right, and you are right, etc...

Exeunt Chorus.  Enter SPIKE

Riley: One of the characters is writing this year's plot?  That's way too metaphysical for me.

Spike: It wouldn't be so bad if Giles wasn't such a wuss.

Xander: He's a nice guy.

Spike: Like I said.  Anyway, he's way too wussy to actually make any of his friends suffer, which kind of cuts down on the plot possibilities, know what I mean?  (grumpily)  Joss should've asked me to take over -- I would've made everybody suffer lots.

Riley: Hey, aren't you a vampire?  Why are you hanging out in daylight, albeit in a shady spot?  And shouldn't you be trying to kill us or something?

Spike: I should.  And two years ago, I would've.  I started out as a villain, you see.  But it wasn't long before everyone noticed that I was incredibly cool.

Riley: Yes, I've noticed that myself.

Spike: My coolness prevented me from being killed off as all villains should be.  However, I couldn't remain on the show in my former capacity.  So I had to take over the job of snarky comic relief.  Reluctatly, I accepted the position, humiliating as it was.

Riley: Along with the multi-year contract and a spot in the opening credits? How self-sacrificing of you.

Spike: And don't you forget it.  By the way, it's also sometimes my job to provide important exposition.  It's a really dull task, and I don't think they pay me nearly enough for it.  (Riley takes the hint, slips him some cash)  (Aside, to camera) That's still not much of an improvement.  (To Riley) I can tell you this much, you can forget about boinking Buffy.  Giles has decided that all of everyone's misery the past three years came from Buffy's love life.  So she's not getting any this season.

sings
Forget it, dude,
Be much afraid,
Your life is screwed,
You won't get laid.
Yes, be afraid,
Your fate is made,
Your love life will be dull and stale.
For Buffy's plot is written by
Our new big shot,
Ex-Watcher Guy.
Prepare to fry,
Kiss sex good-bye,
So says Ex-Watcher Guy of Sunnydale.
Evil spells may spell
And vamps may bite,
And the mouth of Hell
May gape each night,
But there will be no romance in the tale
By Ex-Watcher Guy of Sunnydale.

Spike and Riley: Evil spells may spell, etc.

Spike:
It's a hopeless case,
You know I'm right.
So quit the race,
Give up the fight.
You should take flight,
Leave town tonight,
Flee over hill and over dale.
Your quest for love
You must abort,
Attempt no move
To woo or court,
Your leash is short,
You won't cavort
With the Slayer chick from Sunnydale.

All: Evil spells may spell, etc.

Exit Xander.

Recitation, Riley and Spike.

Riley: From Iowa to Sunnydale I've travelled.
           To find all my romantic hopes unravelled,
          For Buffy's love life is on hold this season.

Spike: I'm hoping that you comprehend the reason.
            But if you don't, stay tuned, don't change the station,
           For here comes Giles to give and explanation.

Enter GILES and a chorus of TOWNSPEOPLE

Chorus:
Behold, Ex-Watcher Guy of Sunnydale,
The man in charge of this year's plot.
He could put us in a droll or funny tale,
Or send us all to hell to rot.
All Hail!  All Hail!
The Ex-Watcher Guy from Sunnydale!

Giles:
Here I am in Sunnydale,
Haunted by suspicious glances,
Trying to construct a tale
With supernatural nuances,
Something that will not feel stale,
Something where the plot advances,
Never did a British male
Have such trying circumstances,
It's no wonder I look pale
When I contemplate my chances.

Chorus: All hail!  All hail!
The Ex-Watcher Guy from Sunnydale!

Giles:Ladies and gentlemen, I have decided that the only way for us to avoid the same sort of suffering we've had the last three years is to avoid plot arcs all together.  So I hereby decree that the season will consist entirely of stand-alone Monster of the Week episodes.  I have been doing a great deal of research (holds up a stack of B-Movie videotapes), and I believe there should be no difficulty in rounding up enough gruesome creatures to fill out twenty-two episodes. 
sings
As someday it may happen that a monser must be slain,
I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
Of trite, annoying archetypes that always cause me pain,
And that never would be missed -- they never would be missed.
There's the brooding gothic vamp who must insist on wearing black,
And the sex-crazed serial murderers who sign their letters "Jack,"
And all mutated giant bugs by radiation spawned,
And aliens in UFOs who land on your front lawn,
And those annoying cheesy things that look like glowing mist --
They'd none of them be missed, they'd none of them be missed.

Chorus:
He's got them on the list -- he's got them on the list,
And they'd none of them be missed -- they'd none of them be missed.

Giles:
Assorted giant reptiles, and also giant apes,
And brain attacking parasites -- I've got them on the list.
And gooey blobs that kill people and then assume their shapes --
They never would be missed -- they never would be missed.
The snotty Lestat wannabe who dresses like a poof,
And hangs around in nightclubs trying hard to look aloof,
And the scarlet-lipped seductresses with cleavage down to here
Who'll rip your throat out once they're done with nibbling on your ear,
And anything with tentacles -- no, really, I insist!
I don't think they'll be missed -- I don't think they'll be missed.

Chorus: He's got them on the list, etc.

Giles:
All evil children I can find, and also evil toys,
And horny devil-worshippers -- I've got them on the list.
And anything that's played by just a disembodied voice --
They'd none of them be missed, they'd none of them be missed.
And all those sick, perverted things from Japanese cartoons,
Like -- well -- you know, the knobbly ones, with eyes that look like spoons.
And anything that showed up in a movie by Ed Wood --
I'm sure that you could name them all much better than I could.
But it really doesn't matter what you put upon the list,
For they'll none of them be missed, they'll none of them be missed.

Chorus: He's got them on the list, he's got them on the list, etc..
Giles: Spike!  Just the vamp I wanted to see.  I need your assistance.

Spike: Bugger off.

Giles: I haven't even told you what I --

Spike: Do I look like I care?  I may be a mere snarky comic relief now, but at heart, I'm still the big bad, dammit!  I refuse to be helpful!

Giles: I'll pay cash.

Spike: What do you need?

Giles: (gives him money) I need twenty-two different demons to server as MOTWs for this season.  Since you're part of the community, so to speak, I thought you could help me round them up.

Spike: What?  Betray my own kind?  Hand them over to the Slayer for mass slaughter?  What kind of vamp do you-- (Giles hands him more money) -- sure, when do you need them?

Giles: I have all the details worked out, but let's talk about it somewhere else.  Buffy will be here any moment, and I don't want to hear another round of her complaining about how she has no love life any more.

Exit Spike and Giles

Enter the FANGEEK chorus
Chorus:
Comes a horde of TV viewers
Filled with curiosity:
Who are this year's evildoers,
What, oh what the plot could be?

How will Buffy thrive or falter
Now that high school's done?
What events will shock or jolt her
In the Dale of Sun?

How much tension will she suffer,
How much should she fear?
Will a new guy come to boff her
In her freshman year?

Viewers we, across the nation,
Filled with curiosity,
Wond'ring with anticipation
What on erth this plot will be?
Enter BUFFY, WILLOW, and ANYA

Buffy, Willow and Anya:
Three little Hellmouth maids are we,
If you see us you'd better flee,
Dating us leads to misery,
Three little Hellmouth maids!

Buffy: I want to live like a normal lass.

Willow: I want to sign up for drama class.

Anya: I want to drool over Xander's ass.

Together: Three little Hellmouth maids!
Three little maidens, young and charming,
Looking so innocent and disarming,
But each in her way is quite alarming,
Three little Hellmouth maids!

Buffy: One little maid is the Chosen One.

Willow: Two little maids are just having fun.

Anya: Three little maids from whom you should run.

Together: Three little Hellmouth maids!

Buffy: Three little maids all in one spot.

Willow: Three little maids are hot to trot.

Anya: If we could only get a plot.

Together: Three little Hellmouth maids!
Three little maidens, young and charming, etc...
Enter Giles and Spike

Giles: (sees Buffy) Crap, she's still here.

Buffy: Giles!  This is terrible!  The semester is in full swing, and I haven't had a single date!  I don't know what to do with myself.

Giles: You could try studying.

Buffy: Honestly, I don't know where you get these ideas.  Must be a British thing. (Riley comes in.  Buffy sees him and immediately comes running over, followed by Willow and Anya.  All three of them talk together) Hey, aren't you my psych TA?  Are you going to be in all my classes?  Wow, you have great arms!  Are you going to be the new love interest?  You're not going to go all evil-demony on me, are you?  My last love interest went all evil-demony, and I had to send him to Hell, and I don't want to do that again!

Willow: Wow, you're the best-looking guy we've seen this season!  Are you going to be Buffy's new boyfriend?  She always gets the best-looking guy to be her boyfriend, 'cause she's the lead.  Just please don't turn evil on her, 'cause that's what the last one did, and then she left town and we had to take over all the slaying for the summer, and I don't want to do that again!

Anya: Hi, are you going to be Buffy's new orgasm friend?  I know she really wants one.  I think everyone should have an orgasm friend.  Mine is Xander. I hope you become Buffy's, 'cause otherwise she might go after Xander herself, and then I'd have to go back to being a vengeance demon, and I don't want to do that again!

Giles: And who might this be?

Riley: My name is Riley Finn, sir.  I was hoping to apply for the job of Buffy's love interest.

Giles: I can't imagine why.  The last poor sod that tried it ended up in Hell.

Riley: (strikes a pose) Life without Buffy is Hell already!

Giles: Oh, please.

Spike: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Riley: Hey, it was worth a shot.

Giles: It would be more effective if you didn't look like so much like an advert for apple pie while you were saying it.

Riley: What's wrong with apple pie?

Spike: I am gonna be sick.

Buffy: (threateningly, to Spike) Hey, aren't you a vampire?  Shouldn't I be staking you or something?

Spike: You can't, I have a contract.

Giles: Come on, Spike, we have some demons to round up.  The rest of you... go do some homework or something.

Exit everybody, except Buffy and Riley

Riley: Finally, some privacy!  I can't believe I came here all the way from Iowa, only to get stuck in a romance-free season.

Buffy: I know, it's a bummer.

Riley: But you'd date me if you could, wouldn't you?

Buffy: Whoo-yeah.

Riley: Great!  So let's do it, then. You're in college now, you don't have to listen to your Watcher.

Buffy: Are you kidding?  He's in charge of the plot!  God knows what he'll do if we don't listen to him.

Riley: I thought he was too nice to abuse his friends?

Buffy: You're not his friend.

Riley: Good point...

Buffy: Besides, I'm afraid you're just too normal to make a successful love interest.  The Geekado has decreed that all my boyfriends must have a deep, dark secret of some sort.

Riley: But... (aside) Should I tell her?  I suppose I'd better. (to Buffy) Well, then you're in luck, because I have something to confess.  I'm not just a simple psych TA.

Buffy: I knew it!  You're evil, aren't you?  You're going to make me kill you, I just know it, it's going to be one big angst-fest all over again, I always--

Riley: No wait!  It's not like that at all.  It's just that... (dramatic pause)  I'm actually an Initiative commando.

Buffy: (intrigued)  A commando?  Really?  Do you get to wear a uniform?  Is it leather?  Are you "going commando" right now?  And why didn't you tell me this before?

Riley: Yes, no, none of your business, and I hadn't had a chance until now. See, I joined the Initiative specifically to qualify myself for the role of love interest.  Because I was so anxious to be accepted, I made sure to show a lot of enthusiasm during the recruitment interview.  Unfortunately Maggie Walsh, the scientist in charge of the project, misinterpreted by boyish exuberance, and decided that I was joining up for her sake.

Buffy: You mean she... eeew!

Riley: She's a very jealous, possessive type, and nothing I could say or do would put her off.  This is why I've been so discreet about courting you -- if she found out, she'd be even more pissed off than Giles.

Buffy: That may be true, but trust me -- Giles is the one we have to worry about.

Riley:Still, wouldn't it be great if we could ignore him just for a bit?  I could take off my shirt, like this. (removes shirt)

Buffy: (after a momentary swoon)  And I could snuggle up to you, like this. (snuggles up)

Riley: And I could put my arms around you like this. (hugs her)  And nibble on your neck like this--

Buffy: (pushing him away) But you can't.  So we won't.

Riley: Darn.

Buffy: Quick, we gotta get out of here before Giles gets back.  If he sees you shirtless, he'll kill you off in the next episode.

Riley: He wouldn't really-- would he?

Buffy: Let's not find out.

Exit, in opposite directions

Enter Giles

Giles: (looking after Buffy) There she goes.  Thinking nasty things about me, no doubt.  I hate to have her mad at me, but a Watcher must do what a Watcher must do.  Ah, the burden of-- (enter Spike and Xander) What are you two doing here?  You've interrupted me in mid-rant.

Xander: Tough.  I have a letter from Joss here for you.  (hands Giles a letter)

Giles: A letter from the Geekado?  What the devil does he want now?  (opens the letter, reads) Uh-oh.  It seems that Joss has heard about my monster-of-the-week plan for the season, and he's not happy with it.  He insists there must be a multi-episode arc, and if I don't come up with one, he'll come back and do it himself.  But that would mean he'd have to cut his vacation short, and that would make him very annoyed.  And we all know what happens to characters when Joss gets annoyed, don't we? (They all look at each other and shudder)  I'm afraid there's no help for it.  I'll have to come up with a plot. But who should I center it on...

Xander: I think you should make yourself the protagonist.  I'm told that characterization is very important in these things, and you know your own character better than anyone else's, right?

Giles:  Make myself the protagonist of my own plot?  Absolutely not!  It would be an egregious conflict of interest.  Totally unethical.  I'm shocked that you would even suggest such a thing.  (turns to Spike)  I know!  I'll make you the protagonist.  It would be a promotion -- from snarky comic relief to wisecracking antihero.

Spike: Yeah, I'm sure I'd be honored.  But you can forget it.  I'm too cool to have a plot.

Giles: Too cool?  What kind of lame excuse is that?

Spike: It's in my contract. (shows him the contract)

Giles: So it is.  Damn.  What are we going to do?

Spike:
I'm so cool
That women drool
To see me prance
In tight black pants.
You'd think a man
With my elan
Could get a spot
Of decent plot
But decent plot
I haven't got
So here I rot.

Giles:
I have a need
With all due speed
To spin a tale
For Sunnydale.
Yet how can I,
Ex-Watcher Guy,
Abuse my friends?
I'm at loose ends.
But this means Joss
Will become cross.
I'm at a loss.

Xander:
I've been attacked
By hyena packs,
Man-eating bugs,
Swimmers on drugs.
A spellbound Joyce
And zombie boys
Have also tried
Some Xandercide.
My nerves are shot
Give me no plot,
I'd rather not.

Spike:
And though I know
We must have a show,
And stories tense
With much suspense
Must soon commence,
Yet common sense
And self-defense
Reject your plans.

Giles:
Although, I know
I must write a show
With angst and pain,
I strive in vain,
For it is plain
That such campaign
Goes against my grain,
So I refrain.

Xander:
And so, my bro,
It's simply no go.
Don't blow a fuse,
Attempt no ruse,
You'll not amuse.
I have no use
For more abuse,
So I refuse.

All together:
We'd rather be run over in a parking lot,
Or tossed into a dungeon with some rats to rot,
We'd rather all be castrated with knives red-hot
Than be the central subject of a Whedon plot!
Exit Spike and Xander.

Giles: I can't believe neither one of them wants to be the protagonist! Whatever happened to ambition? Initiative?  Pride in one's work? Why, when I was a young lad-- (enter Riley, sulking) Oh, now what?  Can't a man finish a rant in peace around here?

Riley: Rant away, don't mind me.  I'm just going to sit here and brood.

Giles: Oh, god, not another brooder!  We just got rid of Angel.  I was really hoping for a brood-free season.

Riley: Tough.  You won't let me date Buffy, so I'm going to sit and brood. (sits and broods)

Giles walks around him in a circle, observing.

Giles: I say, you're not very good at this, are you?  That's more of a sulk than a brood.

Riley: I'll get better with practice.

Giles: (aghast) Practice?!  My dear boy, you can't hone your brooding skills with mere practice!  You need experience!  You need pain! Angst! Suffering! You need-- (pause, as the idea sinks in.. aside) A plot! (to Riley) Look, I can help you with this.  You're really determined to become and expert brooder?

Riley: I am.

Giles: Then let me put you into a plot.  A proper, deeply traumatic, Jossian plot.  I guarantee, by the time the season's over, you'll be the champion brooder on the network.

Riley: Yeah?  And what's in it for me, exactly?

Giles: Are you kidding?  There will be fight scenes, tons of dialogue, gratuitous shirtless scenes, opportunities for scenery-chewing, and a major, major role in the climactic season-ending battle.  You'll probably even get to save the world a time or two.  Or at least help.  I'm sure I can arrange it.

Riley: (thinks it over) Hmm... Okay, I'll tell you what -- I'll be in your plot, if you let me be Buffy's love interest.

Giles: Oh, come on!

Riley: That's the deal, take it or leave it.

Giles: I couldn't possibly--

Riley: Fine.  I'll take my chances with practicing, then. (Goes back to brooding.)

Giles: Look, it's just not that easy.  Think how the B/A shippers will react if they found out I gave Buffy another love interest!  My life will become incredibly difficult.

Riley: Not nearly as difficult as mine will become once the plot kicks in.

Giles: There is that...  Well, all right, but remember, I can make no guarantees beyond this season.  Once the Geekado takes over again next year, anything might happen.

Riley: That's okay.  A single season with Buffy is reward enough, even if I get killed off in the finale.

Giles: