June 1, 1999

Up to a few months ago, I knew what I'd do when I finally became pregnant for real. I was going to transfer to a part-time library job within the Minneapolis Public Library System, putting my children in day care only a few days a week and being a real mom the rest of the time. Now, that plan is up in flames. The library system has decided that professional staff do not want to work part-time jobs (despite the fact that I have been begging the human resources staff to notify me the next time one opens up) and have been eliminating them at a furious rate. Last year, there were nine part-time professional librarian jobs at MPL. Now there are only five, and the folks in them show no signs of leaving.

I'm beginning to feel that I have only two options left. The first is to stay working full-time, and let daycare raise my kid. I know I don't want that because I've seen other people who have exhausted themselves in two career families. I'm afraid that if I take this route, we will be eating lots of restaurant and convenience food meals, and that in order to give my child quality time I would have to sacrifice my writing. I want to spend time playing with my children, and seeing them grow. I want to have a sane home life, and I want to keep writing.

Option two is to quit and become a full-time Mom. I don't want that, either. I'm really proud of being a librarian. I'm one of the few people I know who has a job that I not only love, but that I'm damn good at. Also, I know myself. I'm going to want to have a few days a week to have adult time, and to have some other identity other than being a mom. If I don't have something to do that I'm proud of, I become emotionally clingy and insecure (uh... kind of like I am now.) I also want to be able to have some topic of conversation to talk about with my husband and friends that is not child-related. Working outside the home would keep me from being just a housewife. So much of my identity and self-worth is tied in to my work, and I'm terrified of changing that.

God, I have a split personality. I guess the problem is that I don't want to make this choice. Am I selfish to want it all?

Part of what is making this hard right now is that I'm really, really stressed out about Clarion. I have done barely any writing on anything except Tile Chess related stuff (we have revision deadlines that I have to finish before I can leave for the workshop.) I'm beginning to think that by the time the workshop starts, I will have forgotten how to write at all.

I'm also working on about three dozen projects at home so that my office will be ready to move down to the basement. Andy wants it ready to go, so that he can work on it while I'm at the workshop. Once my office is moved, then we can renovate that space for a nursery... I just feel stressed. I don't want to work on anything for a while. I just want to freeze time and have a few days off, maybe to catch up on everything. Maybe just to take long walks and clear my head.

Hmm