Hilary Moon Murphy

Pax Americana

There were a lot of hauntingly beautiful journal entries written immediately after September 11. None of them were mine. But that does not mean that I didn't struggle with it. I'm still struggling. What does it mean to be a pacifist in a post September 11 world? What does it mean to be the voice of the minority, to speak out against a war supported by 90% of your countrymen?

These are questions that I've been asking myself a lot lately. On New Year's Eve I had a conversation that rocked me, and I'm still thinking about it.

It should only have been expected that the events of September 11 would come up, and that people would talk about our current war in Afghanistan. A war which I vehemently do not support.

When people started talking about how we were "kicking butt" in Afghanistan, my first reaction was to hide in a corner and hope that the conversation would take some other path. It didn't. This was a crowd of people who had flag stickers on their cars. Several of them had, or still have, military careers. I knew that I would have little chance of changing their minds, and I wanted to avoid a nasty argument.

Then someone stated that "Everyone agrees we had to hunt those bastards down."

And that's when I heard a voice in my head say, Pacifism is not the path of cowards.

I don't talk about God or my faith in this journal often. This has been largely intentional. My relationship with God is something intimate and deeply personal, and I don't usually discuss it with others. I'm going to talk about my beliefs now.

In the Religious Society of Friends, we speak of receiving leadings: moments when the divine reaches down and touches you and leads you to another path. To be touched by God is a terrifying thing. It means that you will change your life and that you will do and say things that are most likely not in your best interest.

My heart pounded and I felt an odd, light-headed clarity. I had just been given a leading, and I knew it. "That's not true," I said aloud. "I don't agree that we are doing the right thing at all."

"You have to understand," my host said apologetically. "Hilary's a pacifist."

Silence. The entire room stared at me.

"You can't be a pacifist," one woman said. "You're too intelligent."

I raised an eyebrow.

"You know how to handle idiots who say, 'Violence is never the answer?'" the woman asked. "Hit them. When they ask you to stop, hit them again. Then ask them if violence is still never the answer. If they repeat their statement, hit them again and say, 'Then how will you stop me?'"

Then she smiled, encouragingly. "You wouldn't fall in that trap, would you?"

I did not like the way the conversation was going. "Did I ever say that pacifism rules out self-defense?"

"But if you believe in self-defense," someone argued, "then you support this war."

"This war is not self-defense."

The entire room broke into argument, with about seven people talking all at once, all of them debating about what I meant. I wanted to withdraw again.

"Okay, Hilary," a former Navy guy said, "What is your definition of pacifism?"

"Hey guys," another woman said. "Maybe we should back off here. We're making her uncomfortable."

The former Navy guy held up his hand to forestall her. "No, really. I want to know. Everyone is trying to put words in Hilary's mouth. I want to know what her definition of pacifism is, so that we can talk sensibly about it."

For a half second, I panicked. The whole room looking expectantly at me, and I had no idea what to say.

I took a deep breath, and cleared my mind. In my faith, we have no ministers and we worship in silence. From time to time, messages erupt out of that silence. Those who are called to speak find themselves standing alone, their bodies shaking and their mouths dry.

I let the words come.

Pacifism is finding the best non-violent solution to a problem. It requires you to step into the shoes of your enemies. Only when you know where they have been will you understand why they think the way they do. Understanding is the first step towards communication; communication is the first step towards peace.

Pacifism means that you are willing to lose face to save lives.

Pacifism means that you must seek out of the causes of violence -- hunger, poverty and injustice -- and do something about them.

Pacifism is believing that all people have the same rights to health, safety and love.

Pacifism is speaking truth to power. We talk about moments of silence. We have given so much silence to September 11 that the voices of protest can barely be heard. Hear mine.

This war is wrong. The only goals that we acheive by waging it are short-term. We are not solving terrorism by having the richest nation on earth bomb one of the poorest. We are just adding to the cycle of hatred. Everytime a bomb is dropped, everytime someone loses his family to hunger or oppression, a new terrorist is born. We have to stop the cycle and create a better world for ourselves and our children.

Pacifism is the courage to stand alone and say, 'The insanity stops here.'

When I stopped, I was shaking. Some of the words had been mine -- things that I had said before in other times and places. Some of the words came from somewhere else.

The room went very quiet.

The former Navy guy said, "That was the best definition that I have ever heard. By that definition, I'm a pacifist too."

The woman who had talked about hitting non-violent idiots said, "I don't agree with everything you said, but I respected it."

A marine said, "I wish there were more people like you on both sides of the conflict. I'd be out of a job, but I think that I'd like that world better than the one I'm living in now."

And just like that, the whole tenor of the conversation had changed.

Please understand that I'm not talking about this to be self-congratulatory. I'm writing because I'm scared stiff. I think that God wants more out of me than one conversation at a party. I think I've been asked to put my pacifistic beliefs into action, and I don't know how yet.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do. All I know is that when the sirens of war are so strong, the pacifists need every voice they can get. God help me. God help us all.

Hmm