Hilary Moon Murphy

The Axe Falls

Andy lost his job today. We knew this was coming, because Andy's former company had lots of problems this last year. It's been laying off people right and left. Andy survived multiple waves of layoffs, watching everyone that he cared about leave the company. We figured that he would get fired in the first week of 2002, and we were only off by a few days.

What do I feel? A mixture of relief and panic, mostly.

The relief is because he has finally left what had become a toxic working environment. Most of his friends were gone, including people that had helped build the company in its early days. What was left? Lots of mind games. And scapegoating. After a full day of work, Andy would come home angry and worn and somehow shrunk from his normal vital self. This could not go on, and I'm relieved to find closure.

What's that? Oh yeah. You want to know about the panic.

There's probably less of that than there should be. We still have not figured out all the repercussions this will have on us. Here's some of the things that will be changing immediately:

• I will be returning to full-time work at the library. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I am damn lucky that the library wants me to take on more hours. It's a recession, but I have skills that are in short supply, and so can get all the hours I want.

  On the other hand, I don't really want more hours. Part-time was ideal for me, and I had campaigned for almost two years to get a decent part-time position for myself in the library. And now, I'm leaving it behind me. No more special bonding time shared with Cassie during the workday. No more writing sessions during her afternoon naps. Andy and I will be switching places, which I suspect will require lots of adjustment on both our parts.

• We were going to sign refinance papers on our house this week. That will not happen now.

• Andy's job hunt will come front and center into all of our lives. I'm not looking forward to this, though I know it's needed.

• We will have to give up a few luxuries, but otherwise we will be okay. We have maintained an exceptionally high savings rate throughout our marriage. This means two things. The first is that we have savings to fall back upon. The second is that we are used to living on less, so living on unemployment will not be as much of a shock.

• Much of Andy's sense of identity came from what he did through his work -- now he will have to define a new one for himself, which is never an easy process.

In the middle of all this upheaval, something really nice did happen today. I received the galley drafts for "Run of the Fiery Horse" from Realms of Fantasy. My first galleys from my first real short story sale. When they arrived, Andy and I took out a few minutes together to sit and admire them. They look absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to see the final version when it hits print.

And there's another nice thing that happened. I realized how blessed we have been, despite everything. Andy and I are two stable people who love each other and have a great kid. We have our health. We're in pretty good financial shape to be weathering the loss of this job. We're going to make it.

Hmm