Hilary Moon Murphy

Testing, Testing

Wow. I got twenty-two e-mails on this journal in the last three days. Most of these letters had content along the lines of, "Are you okay?" and "Snap out of it!" Even Andy made the comment that my journal has been really angst-ridden of late.

Did I really sound that stressed-out? No, don't answer that.

I am only going to reprint one of the letters here, a long thoughtful one that I received from Trey:

I've been meaning to say that in light of your current journal entries, it's not hard to imagine recent events as a kind of test. No sooner are you discussing your choice between a comfortable life and new challenges, then a threat to that comfortable life arises to make you either cling harder or shake you loose. It certainly puts things in to perspective, anyhow.

I think that Karina is right (as she so often is--there's a lot of wisdom in that woman, considering she's only about half my age) in her response to your musings. When you ask yourself what you can, there's probably no one right answer that will settle the matter. It's a question we have to ask ourselves frequently, at least every day.

And today's answer may not be the same as tomorrow's--probably won't be, in fact. I'd be surprised if you were being called on to become the next Mother Theresa or Gandhi. We each are given the material we need to work with. All we have to do is figure out how to go about it.

I know that you already do, in the way you raise Cassie, the way you perform your job, in your writing and your correspondence. It's in the way you make small talk with strangers, turning them into friends. I know that if I hadn't run into you in the Rumor Mill, making my first real connection with someone online, then I probably wouldn't still be interacting with people online. I wouldn't have started a journal or gone to Clarion or to conventions. I might not even still be writing, at least not with the focus and the dedication that I do now. You didn't start making the world a better place on January 10 or January 1. You've been doing that a long time. I know.

So why are you asking these questions now? Do you need to do something else, or do what you already do but with more vigor or more focus? Perhaps. Maybe you just needed a way to keep your perspective in light of the looming financial uncertainty. Maybe this is all a counter against the natural urge to cling too tightly to that safe, comfortable place that you think is being threatened. You are thinking the right thoughts; doing what you need to do. As long as you don't let yourself get in a funk about it. From the sounds of it, Andy's attitude is the right one. Maybe he's just so relieved to be out of the old place. I don't know. But having a positive outlook will make his job search easier--and shorter.

So buck up. Here endeth the pep talk.

Okay, guys. I get the message. I'm bucking up. Thank you all for writing. Thank you all for caring.

I think that I just have to start spending some time managing my stress for a while. Work out with my weight set. Take a walk when the weather will let me. Finish some more stories so that I have more writing to be proud of. Send off another letter to my political representitives about this stupid war, so that I can tell myself I'm doing something about it.

Trey is right. We are not called to do more than we can do. But I sincerely believe that I have been called to act on my beliefs, and I cannot ignore the call. So I keep feeling my way, and looking for ways that I can change the world one small step at a time.

Things have been getting better. Andy and I got to see Lord of the Rings for the first time last night with our friends Shannon & Doug Atwill and Beth Hansen. Shannon & Doug have a charming eight year old son, William, who adores Cassie. So we shared the cost of a baby sitter and let the two of them have their own party while we went and saw the movie. Parents don't get to see movies in theaters very often (at least not together) so this was a real treat.

And what a fabulous film it was! Yes, I know, most of you have seen it eight times already. But if you haven't, go. The acting is great, and the sets -- well, I'm ready to move into one of those hobbit holes. Can anyone give me directions to the nearest Shire real estate office?

In other news, author and John Campbell nominee Katya Reimann wrote to me about this web page and told me that she found one of my advertising banners "too much fun to resist" and so set up a link on her web page with it. She may be the first person to ever do that. Katya, if you're reading this, thanks!

How have I spent the last few days? Playing with my daughter. Doing some extra hours for the library for bilingual school visits. Scheduling more hours with the library. Writing cover letters for Andy (yes, I admit it. I ghost some of them.)

I also put Andy's Resume on the web. He already had posted his resume in text format on some of the major job hunting boards, but now it looks pretty. I spent way too long puzzling out some of the HTML coding though. Some day I will create my web pages in something fancier than the notepad program.

Anyway, thank you all again for making a tough week a bit brighter. I do appreciate it.

Hugs!

Hmm