Hilary Moon Murphy

February 15, 2002

Our household's daily moods hinge on the success of Andy's job hunt. On lousy days, he looks at his long to-do list and realizes that nothing on it got done. Or he counts up the number of resumes that got sent out, and realizes that not one employer thought he was worth calling back. Or he hears from someone -- and the answer is no.

But when an interview is on the horizon, Andy knows that any goal is in reach. He maintains his sense of humor through the worst of Cassie's tantrums. He becomes super household guy, putting the Merry Maids to shame with his cleaning frenzies. Sometimes he's so energetic he's downright scary.

My friend Eve wrote some reactions to my journal, based partly on her personal experience.

While I know a month probably seems like a really long time right now, it's an awfully short time to find a job in! It took me 5 months. It took some of the people who were laid off when I was longer. And in one case, there was a consulting company that interviewed me in September and offered me a position in November. Companies can move awful slowly, even if they are interested. Not much moral here, just hang in there, it may be a long haul.

It's sound advice. Unfortunately, neither Andy nor I have much patience. He's so miserable, I want him to get a job now.

One of the great myths of unemployment is that not having a job will free you up to finish all those projects that you've always been meaning to get done. In fact, the opposite is true. Faced with an entire day to fill, you become overwhelmed with all the stuff you should be doing. Where do you start? You make lists, prioritize, and then procrastinate because the house looks terrible or the cat has puked or your kid needs you. Worse yet, other people know that you are at home, and ask you to do stuff for them. How do you say no? After all, when they ask it is proof that someone, somewhere needs you. Besides, if you stay stuck inside your house another day you will become whacked out enough to qualify for a guest appearance on the Jerry Springer show.

You are supposed to be job hunting, so you feel guilty when you don't have anything to show for your efforts. You cannot feel free to have fun, even when the fun will not cost money. If the fun costs money, like shopping with friends or going to a movie, the guilt becomes greater. The words "bum" and "lazy" echo in your mind. The longer you remain unemployed, the more opportunities you have for self-recrimination.

It's so important to keep your humor. Realizing how depressed we were, my friend Frank Tuttle (SF author and the inventor of a somewhat improbable engine) wrote to us:

If I can sell my device to Ford I'll hire Andy to listen to CDs all day and rate the food at various restaurants. 100K a year? Sure, no problem.

Andy's response to this generous offer? "You mean to say that I get this job if Frank manages to make his device work and sell it for millions? Okay, I'll buy that. But tell him if he won't pay me extra to play video games, he can forget it."

"You get tough when you decide to negotiate," I said, impressed.

"I'm not done yet. Tell him I also need a company car. Preferably one with rocket launchers. Or the Batmobile."

Fortunately, Frank was undeterred and sent us this follow-up offer:

Dear Mr. Murphy,

Pursuant to our discussions on Monday January 21 of this year, we are pleased to announce that HR has approved the addition of certain duties to Vacancy VI657 ("Intermediate A/V Senior Review Assistant IV"). To wit:

• 4 daily hours (20 wkly hrs) of Intense Computer Gaming, including RPG, First-Person Shooter, and Military Strategy (excluding anything involving Pirates or animated Persian princes) has been included in the "Intermediate A/V Senior Review Assistant IV" job description. Additional compensation: $23,487.22/yr, with a 5% increase for each time a Level Boss is dispatched with a handgun, edged hand weapon, or Level 1 spell.

• While Indignant Obfuscation, Inc., does not maintain Corvettes ("tricked out" or otherwise) as part of its fleet of company cars, we are proud to offer your choice of a Lexus L7 or a Jaguar XJS. Both are new and fully equipped, including GPS, Bose CD/DVD/DirecTV/MP3/JPG/BMP/FAA/FCC/FBI/CIA stereo, and unlimited free mileage. In fact, keep the car. The paperwork is such a hassle. You will find cash in your desk sufficient for title, tag, and insurance. (Note: we were somewhat puzzled by your request for "rocket launchers or the Batmobile," but out Benefits team is working with Risk Management to explore both suggestions).

• All offices in our corporate headquarters adjoin the corporate swimming pools, the handball courts, the roof-top beach, and a Hard Rock Cafe. Only senior executives may fly the helicopters indoors.

We hope that, with these inclusions, we can come to terms and welcome you to our corporate family. Should you still feel the need for further negotiations, okay, we give up, just name your price.

And keep in mind we're working on the Batmobile....

Sincerely,

August M. Natterly III
Director, inHuman Resources

Frank finished by saying, "It is a great failing on the part of the cosmos that I am not a deranged, wealthy entrepreneur; were it so, all our problems would be solved."

Perhaps. Perhaps not. I kind of shudder when I think of what would happen to Andy in that kind of job. Besides, Andy has been busy. He has sent out numerous resumes, followed up on postings sent by friends, and managed to get two more interviews scheduled. Go team!

So for the moment anyway, we're all optimists. Andy and I had a much better night with Cassie. Sugar cookies got baked. Music and dancing happened. All is once again well with the world.

Hmm