Stress and Psychotropic Drugs

For several months I was stressing pretty badly. I started dropping things (including myself) constantly, and began suffering from severe absentmindedness. Anything that could be forgotten, I forgot. Keys. Lunches. Appointments.

Aware that these kinds of symptoms could have a neurological cause beyond stress, I had myself checked out by a doctor. His diagnosis: Depression.

He prescribed Paxil for me, putting me for the first time of my life on a psychotropic drug. I was not happy about this. I do not believe in altering my brain chemistry by outside means -- heck, I don't even do coffee. But I thought that if there was a chance that I could get back under control again, maybe I should try it.

It did not work out.

About ten days into it, I was at work when I began having piercing headaches, nausea and dizziness so awful that I could not stand up. I also could not stop stuttering. I called the health clinic, and they told me that I was having a severe adverse reaction to the drug. My understanding co-workers told me to go in the back room and lay down. My boss Sally forbade me to drive home and took my keys away from me.

Me: "This reaction is annoying but not life-threatening." (Actually, I was stuttering so badly that this sentence came out more like: This re-re-re-reac-action is annoy-oying but not life threaten-ening.)

Her: "It is if I let you drive!"

I called her a controlling bitch, and told her to fuck off. She calmly agreed with the first but declined to do the second.

And then I realized to my horror just what I had said. I'm a diplomatic person, and do not usually cuss out either co-workers or friends. Sally was both. I was no longer in control of myself or my emotions.

Terrified, I began to blubber and apologize to Sally profusely, in between stutters.

Although the clinic wanted me to stay on Paxil (albeit at a lower dose) I decided to go off completely. I did not let them prescribe anything else for me, either. I decided that daily walks and letting go of some of the stress would probably be a better long term strategy for me.

Besides, I kind of did a 360 degree turn and decided that I want to try to become pregnant again. Something which you should not do on Paxil.

The same evening I had my adverse reaction, my car died. Fortunately, I was not in the car at the time. A co worker had driven me home at Sally's insistence. So Andy went off with a friend to retrieve my car and it broke down about a block from our house.

In mint condition, my 91 Hyundai Excel would be worth 250 bucks. It has no radio, no working air conditioning and was covered in rust. And yes, it's a manual transmission. All you can say for the damn thing was that it ran, and that it was paid for. The mechanic who assessed my car is one that we trust and he said that to fix it would be six hundred plus dollars. He also stated that it might break down again in a couple months.

The car is a lost cause.

We cannot afford a new car right now, but we were planning on buying one anyway once Andy got employed again.

I voted that since the weather is good, we skip pouring money into my lemon and put 200 bucks into getting me a decent used bike. I will bike to work most days and bus on the days I cannot bike. Once Andy got a new job, we could think about cars again. But I was unwilling to add more debt to a shaky financial situation. The main reason we are as okay as we are is that we did not have much debt to worry about other than the house.

Andy said okay. All I need to do now is get the bike. Someday soon I will stop thinking about it and go to a local bike shop that I trust and lay down some hard cash.

Biking to work instead of driving would be good stress relief, and might help me get rid of my current paunch. I don't want to look bad unless I can look bad the way bad girls do...

In the meantime, I have dropped a lot of crap out of my diet. I have not had chocolate or snacked on sweets in a few weeks. I'm walking on my breaks and lunch hours, and I've started noticing a difference in both my appearance and my general outlook. I can fit into my size 8 jeans again, and have started returning to my former flirtatious self.

I also decided to cut back on my hours so that I am only working five full days a week, no matter how much the library begs me to do more.

In short, I'm doing better.

Since I last left you with a tired photograph, here is a less tired one that was shot several weeks later. This was taken by the amazingly talented Leo Montes, with an entire class of Spanish-speaking computer students standing behind him, jumping up and down to make faces and make me smile.

Thanks for keeping up with me.

Hmm

| Home | Journal Index |