A Sample Clarion Schedule by Frank Tuttle

(For a more realistic schedule, see Clarion Q&A.)

Aha! I knew you hadn't been sleeping. To help you better organize your time, here is a sample schedule you might consider:

3:18 AM.

Wake, bathe, enjoy luxurious breakfast of leeks and Roget's Thesaurus.

3:21 AM.

Primal Scream Therapy. Your hall-mates may join you. Ignore the selfish louts; this is your time.

3:38 AM.

Review previous day's writing. Be sure to turn less-than-perfect prose into stirring, timeless literature. Take an extra five minutes, if necessary.

4:00 AM.

Begin new story.

4:01 AM.

Retreat in disgust. Vow on 1987 Writer's Market to give up writing and become a brick-layer.

4:05 AM.

After thumbing through old market entries, become inspired, start new story.

6:22 AM.

Lunchtime! Or it should be, at any rate. Sneak to Waffle House, frighten wait-staff with show of ravenous consumption.

7:55 AM.

Hang-gliding, mountain-biking, or TV viewing: your choice. 2 hours.

9:55 AM.

Prepare for day's critique session. Remember -- teargas expands into a larger effective volume, but pepper spray keeps them down longer. Use both to incapacitate larger crowds, or persons who wish to discuss thematic styling as it relates to character gender.

Noon 'till 4-ish:

Hide.

4:30 - vespers:

Sit in prominent place, scribble madly, brag that you just sold a story to F&SF and this is the sequel requested by Van Gelder. Add that you're already 3/4's finished. Say "That's. . .nice," if anyone relates what they've been working on.

Supper - midnight:

Pranks. If the instructor is complaining, well, it's time to add some life to this party. Some suggestions:

• Skunks (nothing angers a skunk more than being giftwrapped)
• Goats (harder to giftwrap, but just as much fun)
• Hire Elvis impersonator, introduce him as instructor for the week. See who is sufficiently confused and disoriented to don sequins and sing "Hound Dog."
• Order pizzas for "Harlan Ellison"
• Replace fellow student's manuscript with excerpt from "Star Wars" media novel
• Post invitations to read "novel-length and greater" manuscripts on the Rumor Mill under fellow student's name
• Hide "Clarion-Cam" in critique room. Go live on the Web during particularly brutal story sessions. Include humorous subtitles.

Pranks - 3:00 AM:

Update Clarion journal. Spice it up, if necessary -- one must not bore one's readers! Clandestine affairs and psychotic breaks always entertain. Include minimum of 5000 words. Graphics are, of course, a must.

Copyright 1999 Frank Tuttle