JEAN LAMB

Hi. I'm Jean Lamb, strange being from another planet cleverly disguised as a 42-year-old housewife and small businessperson (ask me about Starburst Media). Physically, I'm about 5'2", mumfle-grumpf pounds (I lie about them on my driver's license. I understand I'm not the only one here). Right now I've got my foot firmly on one of the bottom rungs of the literary food-chain ladder (somewhere below say, the show rated #120 on WB Network).

I'm composing this document with an add-on to my favorite wordprocessor courtesy of Big Brother Bill, so how it's going to turn out is anybody's guess. It'll probably be a while before I learn to put in Weird Wallpaper Background and such, and I'll undoubtedly end up learning Real HTML just so it'll look better.

I have a number of various interests, which I have no compunction about inflicting on the innocent readers of this web page.

So here's some more stuff:

PROFESSIONAL SALES:

It's sort of a short list so far, and only in short fiction. I do hope that will change (or I will probably publish the long stuff here, and I'm just not sure the world is really ready for it all).

"Galley Slave", August 1996 Analog, Dr. Stanley Schmidt, editor. Authorized Man/Kzin Wars story. Dr. Marybeth Bonet is an electronic food designer (replicator chicken soup, YUM!), a civilian expert on call during the First Man/Kzin Wars in the Solar System. Her ship is captured by a Kzinti one and she is the only survivor. The aliens haven't really internalized the fact that human females are sentient yet, and Marybeth takes advantage of this lapse (though with some interference from Syet, a kzinti telepath who's getting disturbing amounts of human rationality in his head). "Food will win the war--but how can we get the enemy to eat it?"

"The Broom's Tale", Spring 1995, Deathrealm, Mark Rainey, editor. 1400 words of dark fantasy smut about a young man who is changed into a broom by a vengeful witch (allusions made to the whole Jason/Medea thing). Real adult in spots, heh heh heh.

"Piper", Spring/Summer 1995, Star Triad #9, Sara Ryan, editor (Tiger Moon Press). A young, crippled woman must deal with the Pied Piper who has come to her village--only she remembers the old stories about the last time he was there, and thinks what the repercussions will be on her if all the children are once more lured away.

"Shut-In", March 1991, Renunciates of Darkover, Marion Zimmer Bradley, editor. Free Amazon story about a claustrophobic and gifted young girl who escapes her Evil Family...only to learn that perhaps they weren't so evil after all.

WORKS IN CIRCULATION:

Once more, a fairly short list, which I'll just put here for right now:

"Esprit de Corpse", a 900 word piece about a depraved funeral director, a corpse and a freezer. Let's just say the corpse objects somewhat, and that people should really be more patient about things.

"The Measure of All Things", about 1400 words about Two Silly Dragons at College and How They Passed Geometry Class. It all depends on using the right yardstick...

HATCHLING, a sword and sorcery novel (first of a series). 69,000 words about the trials of a young man who lives in a kingdom where magic is everywhere--well, everywhere except in him. He wants to help his own noble family, but not at the cost of his soul. He is forced to consider leaving everything he's ever known or die. Only problem, Wizardwall keeps all the non-wizards from escaping, except for a few pathways which are probably fatal.

PHOENIX IN SHADOW, a sword and sorcery novel (first of another series). 120,000 words. Undergoing revision, as reading excerpts at a local writer's group led to the revelation that Chapter 2 really, really sucks. Tar-Kapel Demytry must save the Phoenix Empire from destruction at the hands of rebels. Lady Idabel must avoid a forced marriage to a fairly nasty Lord Treasurer and seek revenge on the enemy in the south that destroyed her family. Good thing they finally find each other, though they have to work at it.

WORKS IN PROGRESS:

These are the items upon which I'm actively working (well, more or less--this IS the Christmas season, people!).

MUSIC OF THE NIGHT: with a collaborator, a Phantom of the Opera/Sherlock Holmes novel. After the curtain has fallen on the stage of the Paris Opera, is the show really over?

THE DRAGON'S PEARL: Tameron dayn Sidian's adventures continue after he flees Fiallyn Mor. No Babel Fish for this kid, he's got to learn the language the hard way--and avoid getting killed in the process.

DEAD MAN'S HAND: (beginning of a new series, though in more or less the same fantasy world). Tonio Vitor is the slightly spoiled second son of a rich, prominent olive-growing family. He comes home from the University of Argnon to discover the estate of Sirana in flames. He plunges in, just in case someone is still alive, and suffers serious burns. By the time he recovers, Sirana is in the hands of a rival family's protege. And if he doesn't pretend to be dead, he will be for real if his family's enemies have anything to say about it. He assumes an entirely new identity, based on his grandmother's heritage in the nearby country of Allante, and becomes a notorious gambler and smugger. However, he doesn't forget...

Works To Be Written Sometime in the Next 40 Years

This is rather a long list, but I'll just mention the titles and categories:

Romance:

JACKPOT

MURDER MOST FOWL

CHAMPAGNE FOR A WEDDING

BOTTLED IN BLOOD

PUT A CORK IN IT

THE BUBBLY BRIDE

THE TANGLED WEB

LOVERS' KNOT

Science Fiction:

EYES WITHOUT A FACE

THE GIRL WITH THE SUN IN HER EYES

A THOUSAND DEATHS

Fantasy:

Tameron series: BEYOND WIZARDWALL

RINGS

THE LAST KING

CROWN OF CROWNS

Ravin Gambrell series: DEAD MAN'S HAND

IN THE SHADE

FALLS THE SHADOW

(his kids): THE OLIVE BRANCH

SAILING TOWARDS SUNRISE

QUEEN OF THE NIGHT

Yes, here's another series, and frankly, this one is really getting out of hand...but Dinev Pamir just won't shut up!

DREAMWALKER

DREAMFIGHTER

DREAMFLYER

DREAMSPEAKER

DREAMMASTER

Mainstream Humor: DESERT PEACH

WHITE TRASH WITH MONEY

Action/Adventure: OUT OF THE ICE

BONEBREAKER

This should keep me busy for a few years!

Fandom:

Yes, I used to write fanfic (past tense used with extreme caution, as I had this passionate little fling over Thanksgiving vacation of this year, but honest, I'm DONE with that now. Really!).

Star Trek:

Occasional stories and other Weird Stuff include:

"The Affair of the Extraordinary Afghan"--fanfic involving Sherlock Holmes and Watson with a couple of members of the ST crew. Spock and Holmes talk logic as they search for the missing Captain Kirk, while Watson and McCoy retire with the brandy snifter and talk shop.

"How to Win at Fizzbin"--a helpful compedium of hints, including How to Determine if It's Tuesday, to assist the avid gamer.

"Who Put the Tribbles in the Quadrotriticale?"--demented filk, now with a brand new verse.


"WHO PUT THE TRIBBLES IN THE QUADROTRITICALE?"

(to the tune of "Who Put the Overalls in Mrs. Murphy's Chowder?")

by Jean Lamb

We were down on Sherman's Planet just about a week ago,

And our gallant crew decided to put on a show.

The Science Staff brought down a bin with seeds of a new strain--

Its fruitfulness would bring the rival Klingons lots of pain.

Mr. Spock, he opened it, and blushed a pure clear green,

For where the precious grain was, only tribbles could be seen.

The captain, he got screaming mad, his eyes were bulging out!

He got on Communications, and loudly he did shout:

(Chorus)

"Who put the tribbles in the quadrotriticale?"

Nobody spoke, so we interrogated daily.

It's a Klingon trick, it's true,

And we'll lick the clique that threw

The tribbles in the quadrotriticale.

Mr. Spock, he nodded grim, and said he had to then.

Then he started looking for a man called Cyrano.

Uhura picked up one of them, and it started purring fine;

Then she walked by a bureaucrat and it began to whine.

The Klingon spy confessed at length, then pleaded for the fuzz.

Even Federation jail was better than a tribble's buzz!

Mr. Spock let Cyrano Jones out of his makeshift jail,

Picked up his synthesizer, and it began to wail:

(Chorus)

Now the tribbles have a home across the leap of time,

While littering the corridors of Station Deep Space Nine;

Worf is angry and frustrated, till he's almost sick,

And Quark is offering customers Roast Tribble On A Stick.

The Chronocops are wondering if all is truly well,

So Sisko takes his refuge in the phrase, "Don't ask, don't tell!"

When Klingon ships arrive to conquer where the beasties dwell,

They flee in panic to avoid this awful Tribble Hell!

(Chorus)


Bujold Fanfic:

My attempt at Bujold fanfic can be viewed at the Bujold Nexus, and is entitled "The Mechanic's Apprentice". It contains Really Bad Puns, scattered throughout, while the final one is bilingual. You Have Been Warned.

Darkover Fanfic

I've written a lot of it, mostly available in old issues of CONTES DI COTTMAN IV and MOON PHASES.

Bodie & Doyle (The Professionals)

I've only written a couple of pieces in it, but I'm still rather fond of "Straight On Till Morning: Being the True Account of the Great Neverland War and How the Two Antagonists Finally Took the True Measure of Each Other:" Based extremely vaguely on what could have happened after HOOK, it stars Bodie as the deliciously devilish Capt. Hook, Doyle as a grownup Peter Pan, Cowley as Smee, and a brief appearance by Murphy as Tinkerbell.

I've written some other fanfic, such as "Persephone", a Beauty and the Beast slushfic wherein Catherine and Vincent go to see Phantom of the Opera on Halloween, and probably a few others I don't even remember now. Er, and about that torrid affair over Thanksgiving--you see, there's a Super Nintendo Game called Final Fantasy III, which has many of the features of an interactive novel as well as a complex RPG game. I mean, the characters actually had lives before they decided to go fight Nasty Old Kefka. Why airship pilot and gambler Setzer Gabbiani decided to grace me with his presence is something I'm not really sure about. All I can say is that it was a fun 37 pp. and that it's posted at alt.games.final-fantasy and alt.games.final-fantasy.rpg.

FAMILY

Dramatis Personae:

Mike: Calm, cool, collected chemistry teacher at Mazama High School. It's just a pack of lies about his pyromania (well, except at 4th of July, New Year's Eve, and during certain experiments--good thing they make fire-resistant ceiling tile--and when called upon by drama class play directors for technical special effects). Frankly, he just looks like a typical chemistry teacher--goggles, lab apron, mad gleam in eyes...

Me--well, you've heard plenty about me already.

Brian: Currently 18 years old, about to graduate from high school, and more importantly to me, about to move out into his own apartment. Computer addict, Nintendo player, budding writer. Going to get that first million words done a long time before I did mine. Ultimate ambition: game designer/script writer.

Cathy: 14, extremely cute, (perhaps excessively so, in the view of her overprotective parents), spends her life either on stage or on the phone. Already determined to become a professional actor. Only a freshman and already in the chorus of PIPPIN at school. Tryouts are her life. And keeps her grades up, too.

Samantha: Extremely fuzzy orange cat. Is convinced that humans are trainable with sufficient effort. Can be bribed with tuna, though she really really likes small pieces of styrofoam.

Vacations

We like to take lots of vacations, and own a couple of timeshare weeks. Our next vacation will be in Indian Wells over the week of Christmas. Our last vacation was in Disneyworld (including Epcot Center, Typhoon Lagoon, and Blizzard Beach).

Jaycees

Mike and I were both heavily involved in the past in the affairs of the Klamath and the Oregon Jaycees. We are both JCI Senators (his number #49326, mine #54326), both past chapter presidents of the Klamath Falls Jaycees, both of us winners of the Write-Up competition for the state and both of us competed at National Convention (different ones).

This Week in the Lamb Family Household:

Dec. 13th: This last week was spent fighting illness (The Flu Bug of Mazama High School swept through all the participants in the musical PIPPIN, including my daughter Cathy and husband Mike). Brian caught it just today. It's trying to catch me, but I think it may be one of the viruses I was immunized against the first week of November, so it may have to work a bit harder. Symptoms: severe headache and high fever for a couple of days, degenerating into lassitude and coughing. Cathy and Mike are getting over it, Brian's just starting.

Also, the opening night of the high school musical PIPPIN was also a great success, with Cathy Lamb as one of the Barons pleading for lower taxes (denied), one of the frolickers trying to cheer Pippin up (good thing her dad didn't see how good she was at this), and a singer/dancer in the chorus. Mike was backstage dealing with the special effects portion of the play, including the rather high open flame right at the beginning and the cool Big Flash near the end.

We learned this week that Brian's graduation date will be January 7, 1997, at 2 p.m. at Klamath Youth Development Center. Shortly afterwards, he will be moving out to his own apartment and looking for a job. (Given the requirements of the Oregon Health Plan, the finer print in my husband's medical insurance policy, etc., it really is the right thing to do, trust me).

I am also busy trying to get all the Christmas cards out, the presents bought and wrapped, the presents sent out of town that need to be, and all that before we book out of here on the 19th. Eeek!

I can be reached at:

E-mail: tlambs@magick.net

Or snailmail: Jean Lamb

P.O. Box 8090

Klamath Falls, OR 97602

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!