Why Clive Barker's Lord of Illusions Sucked

A message to all and sundry:

Whatever you do...

...wherever you go...

...whoever you are...

DON'T SEE LORD OF ILLUSIONS!!!!

On the excrement scale, I'd say it falls somewhere between Congo and Batbutt Forever -- not as execrable as the former (though it's close), not as good as the latter.

It's not even worth it for Bakula drooling (as the numerous folks we went to see it with, most of whom were from the Quantum Leap newsgroup on the 'net). He does take his shirt off several times, admittedly, but the lighting is pretty dark in most of them.

The ineptitude of Barker's script is matched only by the pedestrian quality of his directing. He manages to give his actors awful dialogue to spew, and does nothing to make what they say interesting. The movie is populated by dull, lifeless people who have no obvious motivation for anything they do (up to and including breathing).

Questions abound: why does Bakula's character have that tattoo on his back? (We see it in one scene, and the camera focuses on it enough that it must be significant, but it's never brought up.) What happened to the blonde in the opening sequence? (Every other person in the 1982 opening sequence came back later in the film except the blonde, who was utterly forgotten.) If the process of resurrecting Nicks (yes, the bad guy is named "Nicks" -- I kept expecting him to start singing Fleetwood Mac songs) consists of unscrewing the mask that was placed on him in the 1982 sequence, why did Butterfield have to wait thirteen years to resurrect him? (He claimed that he didn't have the skill to resurrect him until 1995, but how much skill does it take to remove two screws?) Why did Bakula's character stick around? Why didn't he just go home, since he had no emotional stake in any of this?

Ye flipping gods, what an awful movie. Oh yeah, the special effects were pretty cheesy, too.

[First posted on the "Keith R.A. DeCandido [KEITH.D]" topic on Genie on 26 August 1995.]

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