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Monday, May 30, 2005

Guest Feature: Arguments for the Perceived Impending Invasion of Earth by Atomic-Powered Killbots from Planet X

by Scott Slemmons


Or: Find Our Robotic Masters

In recent years there have been many criticisms of both the capitalist and socialist systems by which most of the world's economies operate. Since September 11, 2001, these have been accompanied by multiple conflicting warnings that:

  1. capitalism is on the brink of collapse,
  2. capitalism is about to go seriously imperialistic,
  3. Leonid Brezhnev is still alive and will conquer America with secret tanks hidden in the vast forests of Nevada,
  4. Adolf Hitler's preserved brain will lead the Fourth Reich to triumph by using cloned uber-fluffy kitties to make us all giggle and coo instead of fighting evil, or
  5. All of the Above.

I disagree.

To be perfectly honest, all of earth's political and economic systems will soon be left upon the dustheap of history, along with nature, humans, Linux, "Fear Factor", Earth itself, and the entire concept of cloned uber-fluffy kitties. We have neglected to "Watch the Skies", as many film actors and other unshaven lunatics have exhorted us to do in decades past, and we are about the reap the wild wind of pain and suffering and extinction events which our unpreparedness and non-sky-watching has led us into about for the--Umm, we is gonna git it good, just you watch.

Some of the following ideas are based on a partial and possibly inaccurate understanding of Aztec society, the Baltimore sewer system, and the alien signals which are beamed directly into my dental fillings. Bear with me - my understanding of these signals are often jumbled by whatever the local pop music radio station is playing. I don't think that Mandy Moore plays any part in the killbots' plans, but it's certainly possible.

Argument 1: Never Insult a Killbot

Hell hath no fury like an Atomic Killbot scorned. In his 2002 State of the Union Address, George W. Bush stated that he perceived an "Axis of Evil" in the world, including former enemies Iran, Iraq, and North Korea. Quite honestly, leaving Planet X off that list is a major slight. Do you know of any power on Earth that could have so cruelly annihilated both the CuddleBugs of Arcturus-6 and the Pre'tti-P'oniis of Woogikins-8? Would any nation on our planet embark on a sacred mission to tie explosives to babies and fire them from cannons for festive holiday celebrations? Could any earthly nation have matched the evil of Planet X's "Let Joel Schumacher Direct Two Batman Movies" petition drive? No, Planet X should have been included within Bush's Axis of Evil, and we could end up paying the price if the Killbots decide to show us just how dastardly and evil they can really be.

Argument 2: An easy mark in the win column

As a species, we like to posture and preen and pretend we're tough guys, but let's face facts: humans are soft (on the outside, crunchy on the inside, as the old Killbot joke goes). We've never fought an interstellar war, our science fiction television is dominated by wimpy do-gooders, and we wouldn't last ten seconds against even a small Venusian Bloodworm. We're weak, we're cowardly, we're not very smart. We can't even stand up to bullets, knives, or cheap Mexican food without bleeding, dying, or having to spend hours in the bathroom! Most importantly, we don't have any superheroes or action movie stars to defend us--without superpowers, large-caliber weapons, or witty one-liners, we'd be completely helpless against any otherworldly invader. We'd be easy pickin's for the Killbots and, though they relish the challenge and thrill of facing off against powerful opponents, they're not above slapping around the galactic pansies either.

Argument 3: Peanut Butter M&Ms

Boy, they're good. I'd invade any planet in the galaxy that had a large supply of those yummy candies. Especially nicely chilled, with a tall glass of milk on the side. Mm-mmmm.

Argument 4: Housing Shortage on Planet X

This is the one that could really be trouble. Planet X is seriously overpopulated with Atomic Killbots, and many of them are forced to live in substandard housing, cardboard boxes, and fast food cartons, often stacked on top of each other like actresses in amateur porn. Killbots are not the most cordial of machines even under good conditions, and when they have to live in castoff paper products while being compared to cheap exhibitionist sluts in online publications, they become even more surly. And when they look upon the relative wealth and comfort of Earth... well, could you blame them for wanting to invade our planet and suck the tasty marrow from our bones? I certainly couldn't.

Argument 5: Earthlings are too damn sexy

Well, we are. We're a total party planet, with plentiful alcohol, cigarettes, barbecue, and other mind-altering substances. Now that the Taliban have been kicked out, we all wear relatively little--you can see our epidermis and noses and everything! We work only 40 hours a week and devote the rest of our time to relaxation and fun. And we're pretty. Really. You ever seen a Killbot? They ugly. Everything in outer space is ugly, and they know it. You could wave Rosie O'Donnell or Marilyn Manson at a Killbot, and they'd be like, "Oooo, baby! You got it goin' on! Lemme give you a backrub!" Hey, you ever heard of an Atomic Killbot or Bug-Eyed Monster that didn't go around kidnapping good-looking Earthlings, marrying them, and waving tentacles at them? They're all sex-obsessed pervs, and they can no longer resist our humanly charms.

Of course, I could just be speculating wildly and inaccurately. But I'm not, 'cause I'm a persecuted genius!


In addition to being a persecuted genius, Scott Slemmons is known for his award-winning Roadkill Chipotle Chili, which took top honors in the Bioweapons division of the White Sands Chili Cookoff. He lives in Texas with his wife and a subservient, laundry-hauling Killbot named Bub, which Scott hacked and reprogrammed with the aid of a 5-year-old iBook.

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