A script fragment found in Woody Allen's trash bin, nestled wetly between some apple cores and the remains of a rancid package of lox:
SHARITA PRECIOUS lies in a pool of blood. GOLLUM, dressed in a black ninja outfit, approaches her, trembling with fear and rage.
GOLLUM: "Precious? My precious?"
GOLLUM turns on VITO MANICOTTI, who is looking ambiguously sexy and dangerous in a Ralph Lauren suit.
MANICOTTI: "Give me the ring, Gollum. You know it's inevitable; Sauron will rule these lands."
GOLLUM: "You ... killed ... my ... PRECIOUSSSSS!"
GOLLUM pulls an enormous antique revolver from the folds of his ninja outfit. SERGEANT JOE BOMOKAI runs into the frame.
BOMOKAI (to MANICOTTI): "You better stop, man. My buddy's real serious. Stop, or my Gollum will shoot!"
A leaked memo written by an Adjunct Vice President for Development for New Line Cinema reveals astonishing plans for a sequel to Peter Jackson's epic Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Most fans are eagerly awaiting Jackson's eventual filming of The Hobbit. But in the meantime, New Line has a movie in the works that is neither directly based on any of Tolkien's work, nor directed by Jackson.
"We can't wait four or five years for Jackson to get around to filming that other book," the studio VP writes. "The LoTR property is still hot right now, and if we want to ensure a good revenue stream in 2006, we've got to keep those seats filled. Blade sequels just aren't going to cut it."
This new movie's working title is The Lord of the Rings IV: Stop or my Gollum will Shoot!
According to the memo, Renny Harlin, who brought us such masterpieces as Cutthroat Island and The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, is scheduled to direct Stop or my Gollum will Shoot!. The screenplay is being penned by Harlin, David Arnott (The Last Action Hero), and Woody Allen (though the memo mentions he'll be using the pseudonym Thomas Leon).
The plot of the movie was briefly outlined in the memo. The movie begins with Gollum falling to a fiery death in the lava of Mount Doom ... and then he wakes up! He was just in a virtual reality simulation. He goes back to his job as a bumbling janitor at a boarding school for wizards in New England. But why are strange men in black following him? And why is he having all these strange dreams of ninja warriors?
"It's definitely a drama," the memo says. "But it's also a slapstick comedy. It's a shame we can't get Woody to put his name on this one, but he's not money these days anyway."
The producers are hoping Leonardo DiCaprio will agree to star as Gollum. "We need a sexier, hipper Gollum in this movie," the memo says. "Leo is a bankable actor, and we've got good intel he went to a clinic in Germany for anorexia after he dropped all that weight he put on for Gangs of New York. He'll be perfect."
The movie will also star Sylvester Stallone as Sgt. Joe Bomokai, a Japanese-American cop from Tokyo. Bomokai has been looking for his long-lost partner Gollum for years.
"See, Gollum was really a top cop in Tokyo before the yakuza kidnapped him and wiped his memory clean," the memo explains. "And before that, he really was in Middle Earth, but the One Ring whisked him through space and time to modern-day Tokyo where he woke up with amnesia but was rehabilitated by a Shaolin monk turned sushi chef."
Iron Chef MC Takeshi Kaga will make his Hollywood debut as Sushi Master Morimoto and will appear in flashbacks. "After Morimoto was killed by ninjas, Gollum swore vengeance for his master and joined the Tokyo Police force where he was partnered with Bomokai," the memo explains. "The kung fu revenge angle is money in the bank!"
"DiCaprio and Stallone had great chemistry together in the scene readings," the memo continues. "And they'll have the chick demographic completely covered. Our intel indicates that women over 45 still think Stallone is a hottie, and women under 45 love Leo when he's thin. And in this movie he'll be very, very thin."
The romantic interest is Sharita Precious, a cheerleading instructor at the wizarding school where Gollum sweeps her off her feet. It turns out that she is also a Russian double-agent who was romantically involved with Joe Bomokai when she was assigned to to Tokyo. Sharita will be played by Def Jam rapper Shawnna.
"The romantic triangle creates some really hilarious moments," the memo says. "Sharita's a demographically critical character to bring in urban audiences. The problem with the Lord of the Rings movies was that the cast was just too white -- we tried hard to get Jackson to hire Wesley Snipes as Faramir but he just wouldn't go for it. Shawnna's got a lot of sex appeal, and she's doing much better with the new acting coach."
In the end, the three join forces to defeat a young Mafia boss who has stolen an ancient Mordor artifact and plans to raise the forces of Sauron in New York City. The Mafia boss -- who's employed the same ninja clan that murdered Gollum's master -- needs Gollum's blood and the One Ring to complete his ritual. Jaye Davidson (The Crying Game) has been asked to play boss Vito Manicotti.
"It would be a real coup to bring Jaye into this project. We see him playing a transvestite mafia killer turned stylish cult leader -- it'll be hilarious, and it'll bring in some of the Queer Eye fan base. But if he won't play ball, we'll bring in one of those guys from The Sopranos and have Woody butch up Manicotti's part."
The memo's author has high hopes for the film. "It's a buddy flick. It's a cop movie. It's a romance. It's got comedy and action out the wazoo. And the product placement opportunities are nearly endless! What's not to love?"
Two days after the aforementioned memo was obtained by Entertainment Tonight and the details broadcast worldwide, Niles Grunby, caretaker at the Wolvercote Cemetery in Oxford, England, reported some strange activity concerning J.R.R. Tolkien's gravesite.
"First thing, I hears this kind o' 'aih-pitched whinin' sound," Grunby said. "I puts me ear to th' ground to take the ol' listen. An' then it hits me, it does: the old chap is spinning in there, 'e is. Right fast, too. 'E's gonna burn right through the coffin wood, 'e will.
"An' won't them Hollywood blokes be sorry when the ol' chap shows up on their doorstep to register 'is disapproval of their new 'film', eh?"