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Thursday, July 23, 2009

NEW! GUNDARK ENERGY DRINK!

DO YOU ENJOY THE KICK OF ENERGY DRINKS?

BUT DOES THE POPULARITY OF RED BULL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A SHEEP?

DOES THE PRICE OF ROCKSTAR MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A CHUMP?

DO YOU WORRY THAT YOU'VE BECOME A MINDLESS, TWITCHING SLAVE TO CORPORATE CAFFEINE PEDDLERS?

THERE'S A BETTER WAY!

MY NAME IS LUCY, AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS GREAT NEW ENERGY DRINK I'VE DISCOVERED CALLED GUNDARK!

YOU WON'T FIND IT IN ANY STORES -- YOU MAKE IT YOURSELF WITH INEXPENSIVE INGREDIENTS YOU PROBABLY ALREADY HAVE RIGHT THERE IN YOUR OWN KITCHEN! BEST OF ALL, NO ACTUAL COOKING OR MATHEMATICAL SKILLS ARE NECESSARY!

I WAS GOING TO KEEP GUNDARK ALL TO MYSELF, BUT THE GHOST OF BILLY MAYS VISITED ME LAST NIGHT AND HE CONVINCED ME TO SHARE THE SECRET WITH ALL OF YOU! HE MIGHT HAVE JUST BEEN A HALLUCINATION CAUSED BY SLEEP DEPRIVATION, BUT HE WAS VERY VERY CONVINCING AND ALSO A COMPLETE GENTLEMAN!

SO KEEP READING AND SOON YOU WILL BE FILLED WITH ENERGY JUST LIKE ME IN NO TIME AT ALL!

FIRST, GET SOME LEFTOVER COFFEE!

USE ANY REAL ACTUAL CAFFEINATED COFFEE, BUT IT MUST BE:
- BLACK AS NIGHT!
- COLD AS DEATH!
- BITTER AS THE REGRET OF REALIZING THAT NONE OF YOUR IN-LAWS DRANK ANY OF THAT POT OF EXPENSIVE KONA YOU BREWED FOR THEM LAST NIGHT AND IT ALL JUST SAT THERE GETTING STALE! YOU COULD HAVE MADE INSTANT FOLGERS INSTEAD AND NONE OF THOSE FUCKERS WOULD HAVE KNOWN THE DIFFERENCE! BILLY MAYS WOULD NEVER SWEAR BECAUSE HE IS A REAL GENTLEMAN BUT HE SAID IT WAS OKAY IF I DO BECAUSE HE SAYS I'M KINDA CUTE.

NEXT, GET SOME DARK CONCORD GRAPE JUICE!

USE 100% REAL ACTUAL JUICE, NOT THAT COCKTAIL CRAP THAT'S MOSTLY WATER AND CHEAP-ASS HIGH-FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP! THAT SHIT'S TOO WEAK FOR GUNDARK! REAL DARK GRAPE JUICE IS LOADED WITH ANTIOXIDANTS LIKE RESVERATROL THAT SHOTGUN THROUGH YOUR VEINS ANNIHILATING CHOLESTEROL! BILLY MAYS SAYS THAT IF HE DRANK MORE GRAPE JUICE, HE MIGHT NOT BE A GHOST NOW AND MIGHT STILL BE A REAL ACTUAL LIVE HUNK OF PURE MAN INSTEAD OF SHIMMERING ECTOPLASM!

NOW, GET YOURSELF A GLASS.

MIX THE COFFEE AND THE GRAPE JUICE IN THE GLASS! EASY! USE MOSTLY COFFEE IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR CARBS OR SOMETHING, USE MOSTLY GRAPE JUICE IF YOU'RE USING CHEAP COFFEE THAT TASTES LIKE LIQUID ROADKILL! GOOD GRAPE JUICE IS A LOT CHEAPER THAN GOOD COFFEE SO IT'S OKAY IF YOU DO!

HOLD THE GLASS UP TO THE LIGHT ... YOU WILL SEE THAT NO LIGHT PASSES THROUGH THE CAFFEINATED ELIXIR! THIS IS ONE BAD-ASS BLACK ENERGY DRINK YOU JUST MADE!

NOW DRINK IT!

DRINK IT!!

DRINK IT!!!

FEEL THE POWER COURSING THROUGH YOUR BODY!

HEAR YOURSELF SAY "DAMN, I FEEL STRONG ENOUGH TO PULL THE EARS OFF A GUNDARK!"

SEE THE GHOST OF BILLY MAYS MATERIALIZE IN YOUR OWN KITCHEN! HE'LL PLAY XBOX LIVE WITH YOU!


THIS IS AN UNLIMITED TIME OFFER, SO MIX IT UP WHEN YOU DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE IT!




Photo credits:
Julius Schorzman - coffee
Mikael Haggstrom
- caffeine
http://www.flickr.com/people/9778240@N07 - Billy Mays

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