Life Isn't Fair

It's easy. You say, "I'm sorry I hurt you."

Do you feel wronged and want an apology from him, and think I'm being unfair to ask you to apologize to him instead? Well, I can understand that. This is one of the Amethyst tenets that I have a lot of trouble with, myself. I don't like apologizing when I honestly feel I was the injured party.

The secret to this is in the Amethyst truism, "No matter what you meant to communicate, the response you get indicates what you did communicate." In other words, what your auditor hears is what you said (as far as s/he knows) and it's a waste of time to insist otherwise.

If I say the sky is blue and you respond by slapping me and demanding to know how I dare insult you like that, I'm going to feel that I'm the injured party, not you.

Amethysm says I should respond by saying, "You're right, I could have been less insulting."

Well, I don't see how I could possibly have insulted you by saying the sky is blue, but I can see you're insulted. And it certainly seems to have happened as a result of what I said. Whatever you heard is what you think I said. And since what you heard was insulting, that means I insulted you.

Never mind what I meant to communicate: what I did communicate is pain. Naturally I should apologize.

Of course, that makes the Amethyst look like the bad guy for sure. Nobody apologizes for something he didn't do, right? So the apology proves the Amethyst hurt somebody. (But we knew that already, didn't we?)

That's the "what if" that people tend to be most concerned about: if you go around agreeing with people's insults of you, and apologizing for insults you don't believe you've said, what will people think?

They'll think pretty much whatever they want to think, and there's nothing you or I can do about it. People are always going to think. You can't stop them.

As a matter of fact, a surprising number of people will think exactly what you're afraid they'll think: that you're the bad guy. I'm always surprised at how few people seem willing or able to think things through, and at how many people choose instead to accept the most illogical ideas as absolute Truth if "somebody said" (or, even more convincing, if they saw it in print).

That's the bad news. The good news is, that doesn't matter. It won't hurt you. The injustice of it all may trouble you briefly, but there's another Amethyst truism for that: life isn't fair.

If you really do your best to understand that the person who claims you hurt him was indeed hurt no matter how little you intended it, very likely you'll feel better about your apology presently.

Copyright © 1992 by Melisa Michaels. Reproduction and distribution specifically prohibited. All rights reserved. Melisa Michaels is the author of the science fiction novels Skirmish, First Battle, Last War, Pirate Prince, Floater Factor, and Far Harbor, the fantasy novels Cold Iron and Sister to the Rain, and the mystery novel Through the Eyes of the Dead.