Amethyst "Fight" Tactics

In such an exchange, both parties soon lose track of logic, and often of the original point in dispute as well. Nothing is solved, nothing is resolved, and the end result is bitter feelings and lost friendships (at best). Now obviously the whole thing could have been avoided if I hadn't made that nasty remark about RPG players, so it's all my fault, right?

But that disregards the Amethyst belief in each individual's right to determine what to believe. If I say RPG players are dull-witted slobs, that's probably what I believe, no matter how much you may disagree with it. If I were an ideal Amethyst I'd state my belief in politer terms, but you would still disagree with it. If we both insisted on expressing our beliefs and on trying to prove that one was more right than the other, we'd still get to the level of name-calling and worse; it would just take longer.

The Amethyst solution is not to insist. If someone politely expresses an opinion different from ours, it is good to express our own and invite discussion. Sometimes in a mannerly discussion one learns something that causes a change in one's opinions or beliefs.

But the moment someone begins to insist, past the bounds of politeness, that his opinion is in any way better than ours, the proper Amethyst response is a prompt, certain, and sincere, "You're right!" For one's peace of mind it is usually necessary to add some qualifying phrase, but if it is said without sarcasm, that's okay.

When you feel insulted, the first words that come to mind should be, "You're right!" Then find a way to rephrase the insult that makes it acceptable to you.

For instance, in the above example about RPG players, you might say, "You're right! We could be smarter." Because no matter how smart you are, you could always be smarter. However well you may be doing something, it is always conceivable that it could be done better. However near-perfect you may think yourself at the moment, greater perfection is always possible.

If I say you're ugly, you might say, "You're right, I could be more attractive." (Unless you're the most attractive human possible.) If I say you have weird ideas, you might say, "You're right, sometimes my ideas are pretty unusual." (Unless you have only commonplace ideas.) If I say your arguments are childish, you might say, "You're right, I could be more mature." (Unless you're as mature as it's possible for a human to get.)

It is imperative that you never use sarcasm in these responses. That will destroy their purpose. It will get you directly into the fight you're trying to avoid. You must be absolutely sincere and cheerful.

The point is that if you persistently agree with the other guy's criticism, he has nowhere to go. If his goal was to upset you, he'll give up. If he's just a really poor communicator, his next effort may be friendlier.

Copyright © 1992-2005 by Melisa Michaels. Reproduction and distribution specifically prohibited. All rights reserved. Melisa Michaels is the author of the science fiction novels Skirmish, First Battle, Last War, Pirate Prince, Floater Factor, Far Harbor, and World-Walker, the fantasy novels Cold Iron and Sister to the Rain, and the mystery novel Through the Eyes of the Dead.