The Uselessness of Guilt

My friends made it easier. My sister, who was providing transportation to bookstores, asked me to listen to her phone messages for her a time or two while she was busy doing something else. Both times I heard people trying to make her feel guilty because I hadn't called them. As though she were in charge of my behavior.

Heck, even if that had been my phone and my messages, that wouldn't be the way to make me want to see somebody. Instead, it made me even gladder that I don't live there anymore. I'm fond of those people, but not that fond. My friends in Hawaii like to see me, but not one of them would try to guilt me into seeing him or her when I preferred other activities.

When I'd had my way with the bookstores I fled gladly back to Santa Rosa and my splendid kids, and reflected on the nature of guilt. It's not an emotion I choose to feel, as a rule. I've felt shame at wrong actions, embarrassment at foolish ones, regret at unintentional cruelties, and remorse at deeds performed in anger. I accept responsibility for my actions, even the bad ones. I do not feel guilty over any. Guilt is of no use to me.

I came to realize, as I thought of it, that few people would choose to feel guilt if their friends-and-relations didn't encourage them to do it. Guilt is something we use primarily to manipulate people. We try to make them feel guilty for perceived wrongs, in the hope that as a result they'll do something we want them to do.

But there's no law that says we have to feel guilt when people want us to. It's no better idea to feel it than it is to try to get someone else to feel it. In the case of my friends' phone calls, it was downright silly of them to try to make me feel guilty for not calling them, and even sillier of them to try to do it through my sister (who is not my keeper).

One or two of them whined about not being loved enough. It did not make me feel loving toward them. People will love us more if we make them glad they know us than if we make them dread our calls.

And the moral of this story is: neither guilty nor a guilter be. You'll learn from your mistakes more readily if you simply accept responsibility, atone in whatever way you can, and carry on. And you'll get better results from your friends if you love them than if you try to manipulate them into loving you.

Copyright © 1992 by Melisa Michaels. Reproduction and distribution specifically prohibited. All rights reserved. Melisa Michaels is the author of the science fiction novels Skirmish, First Battle, Last War, Pirate Prince, Floater Factor, and Far Harbor, the fantasy novels Cold Iron and Sister to the Rain, and the mystery novel Through the Eyes of the Dead.