Being Happy

You can't just "straighten up and forget all that" as some people tell you to do, but there's no reason to wallow in it, either. You can accept it, and go on. Sometimes you have to sit down and bleed for a while, but how you get up again is by getting up again. There's no easy way. You can sit there and whine about how much you hurt, or you can try to laugh at yourself for the situation, get up, and try your legs again (or build a wheelchair if you have to).

Self-pity does no one any good. "What happens to you may be a god's choice, but what you do about it is your choice." You can choose to moan about your misfortune, and you can wait for God or somebody else to fix it....Or you can start fixing it yourself.

Some of the things that happen to us can't be fixed, of course. Then the thing to do is to find a way to live with it in happiness. That means concentrating on what you have left, instead of resenting or bemoaning your losses. If you cannot have it back, what's the point of complaining? That won't get it back. In order to continue your life you must let go of lost causes. It's hard to acquire new things when your hands are full of the old ones.

A period of adjustment is often required, and some losses take a lifetime to mend. But if, for example, you lose a limb, the two clearest options for response are to spend the rest of your life regretting it, or to learn to be as happy as you can with the limbs remaining to you. You'll always be a person who doesn't have that limb. But you can choose to be a happy person who doesn't have that limb.

This is a perhaps surprisingly difficult step for some folks who've been unhappy all their lives. Unhappiness, like any other possession, becomes precious for its familiarity. It takes courage to step away from it even briefly; and phenomenal courage to walk away from it entirely.

At first it also requires constant effort, and it may be difficult to hold onto a vague belief that the result will be worth the effort. In that case, a role model might help: look about you for the people you most enjoy and admire, and see what they have in common. It will very likely be a quality of happiness; an ability to be happy. If you want liked and admired, it might be well to emulate these people.

Do not imagine that they have been granted special dispensation by the gods. Very few (if any) sane and healthy people are handed happiness on a platter. Happiness is the original do-it-yourself kit: you make your own or you do without. But it's well worth the effort, if you have the courage to try. And it's one of the few jobs in this world that require no skill at all, only willingness and determination. Happiness will create itself if you only make room for it in your life and remain steadfast in welcoming it in.

Allow yourself grief over setbacks, of course. Just don't mistake the grief for a comfortable way of life. It's acceptable, and perhaps inevitable, but it's no substitute for joy.

Copyright © 1992 by Melisa Michaels. Reproduction and distribution specifically prohibited. All rights reserved. Melisa Michaels is the author of the science fiction novels Skirmish, First Battle, Last War, Pirate Prince, Floater Factor, and Far Harbor, the fantasy novels Cold Iron and Sister to the Rain, and the mystery novel Through the Eyes of the Dead.