Willingness to Learn

Children have a healthy habit of learning, but somewhere along the line we all fall victim to the absurd notion that we "should" already know everything; that to have to learn something is to expose the weakness of not-already-knowing, of not-being-God; and "I don't know how" becomes a very solid impediment, synonymous with "I can't."

When adults say "I can't," they very often mean something like, "I've never done it that way before and am unwilling to try it now because I would be embarrassed by the initial mistakes I would make." This use of "I can't" is obviously terribly limiting. You can begin to break the habit of clinging to your habits just by practicing the use of the phrase "I haven't learned how" in place of "I can't."

By this simple subsitution of words you begin to give yourself permission to learn. Whenever you make categorical statements about yourself, your subconscious hears them and tries to make them true. If you say "I can't," you are telling yourself "I am physically incapable of this." If you say "I haven't learned how," you are telling yourself the unspoken corollary "...but I'm perfectly capable of learning how if I choose to."

This is a good, strong first step, and it leaves you open to quick flight if the response is mockery and derision. I think you'll find it seldom, if ever, is. A much more common and expectable response would be a simple acknowledgment ("Oh."), sometimes with commiseration ("That's too bad."). Occasionally you might even get an offer to show you how ("Wanta learn?"). If it isn't forthcoming, and you do want to learn, you can always ask once you're past the "dreadful" admission of ignorance.

Once you become comfortable with this practice, and have convinced yourself through experience that the sky won't fall and decent people won't mock you for not yet having learned how to do everything, you might begin to substitute (in situations where you're sufficiently interested) the phrase "Show me how" for "I haven't learned how." You'll find that people are often delighted to share their knowledge, and each time you learn something there'll be one situation fewer in which your future response will have to be, "I don't know how."

Copyright © 1992 by Melisa Michaels. Reproduction and distribution specifically prohibited. All rights reserved. Melisa Michaels is the author of the science fiction novels Skirmish, First Battle, Last War, Pirate Prince, Floater Factor, and Far Harbor, the fantasy novels Cold Iron and Sister to the Rain, and the mystery novel Through the Eyes of the Dead.