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Friends in MourningGrief does not entirely squelch one's sense of humor, nor alter one's character beyond recognition. One does not, even in the worst throes of grief, become a permanent cripple, fragile and suddenly filled with funereal holiness. Most who enjoyed a good joke before grief struck will still enjoy a good joke after - and bl3ess all who have the courage to make jokes in the face of misery.It is an important and little-understood fact that humans in mourning remain human. Everyone copes differently, but one thing I have found to be universally true is that we do remain essentially ourselves even in deepest adversity. It is well to be careful with new pain, to see how its owner is going to handle it. But it is seldom necessary to avert the eyes and sidle past in somberness, as though grief were an embarrassment best handled with rubber gloves. Should your brother break his leg, you would treat him the same as always, beyond a little additional care not to jar the leg or to ask him to walk on it before he's ready. You won't be careful to avoid him, or any mention of his leg, and you won't treat him with any special deference beyond that required to protect the leg from further harm. The same response works if it's his heart he's broken. It is well to employ what empathy you can, to try to remember he is in pain and to understand the depth of his sorrow; that will help you to know how he might react to the things you say. It may even help you to understand how an excess of earnest sobriety might hurt him more than any careless remark could. He has grief enough already without your help. What he needs from his friends-and-relations is a guide and support back to laughter and joy. We can learn to live with our losses only by living through them, and finding our way back into the sunshine on the other side. And we can best help each other in this process by employing patience, love, acceptance, understanding, and - perhaps most important - shared amusement. It takes courage to refuse to walk on tiptoe around someone else's grief, but if it is done with love and empathy that refusal is perhaps the kindest act you can perform.
Copyright © 1992 by Melisa Michaels. Reproduction and distribution specifically prohibited. All rights reserved. Melisa Michaels is the author of the science fiction novels Skirmish, First Battle, Last War, Pirate Prince, Floater Factor, and Far Harbor, the fantasy novels Cold Iron and Sister to the Rain, and the mystery novel Through the Eyes of the Dead.
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