what I'm thinking and doing § what I'm listening to § what I'm reading
what I'm writing § retrospective: The Phonosnout
Funny how whenever you start a small job in the house it turns into something bigger and time-consuming that you'd have dreamed. For us, this week it was fixing the bathroom fan.
Our bathroom fan has always sounded rather like having a helicopter taking off in the bathroom. Usually loud is the polite way of putting it. Still, a loud bathroom fan is not the greatest of all evils, so we've carefully ignored it, and just said "yes, that's what it sounds like" to anyone who commented. Except earlier this week it started to sound like ten helicopters taking off, and, wisely alert to unusual noises, we stopped using it, Jim took the cover off and took a look, fiddled with it a bit, realized it wasn't going to be an easy fix, and talked to our friend Chuck about it. We are grateful for our friend Chuck, who mostly helps design and keep up our garden, but we also hire him to help us with a few household things as he's good at wiring and such and we aren't.
Friday afternoon Chuck and Jim looked at the damn thing again, and it clearly wasn't going to be fixable as no one carried parts for it, so they bought a new one. Jim and I had pulled everything out of my study closet, because that's where the attic access is, and Chuck and Jim spent Friday and Saturday afternoon climbing up and down, fiddling with saws, circuits, wires, and screws, putting proper venting up (the people before had just nailed the vent to screening and of course it had clogged up hence the illness of the previous fan), and on and on. When it comes to things like this, I'm happy to be the person they call down to to hand them things and to flick switches and all.
They were having some trouble figuring out the wiring because this place (built in 1937) is a combination of ancient and new wiring, and the fan ended up in place but only partially functional, so my study is still full of things from the closet and will be until next Friday afternoon when Jim and Chuck will have time to finish this up.
Anyway, right now the fan works, but it's controlled by the switch marked "light", and the light and heat won't work unless the fan is already on. Isn't that like life?
last week's thinking and doing § next week's thinking and doing
Not much listening time, but I did get some music by a group called Splashdown; I'd heard some sound files and liked them a lot, so I ordered the discs. This is interesting rock put together from all kinds of influences, with a lead singer who has a great voice, reminiscent of Katharina Franck's from Rainbirds. Glorious. I look forward to getting to know this band's music better. They shortly will have an album coming out on Capitol.
I also went with a friend, Tamar, to hear Mary Lydia Ryan play at a local theater. Wonderful to hear her live again.
last week's listening § next week's listening
Not much reading time, either. I've been slowly working on the same book all week, and still haven't finished it. This is pretty unusual for me not to finish at least one book.
last week's reading § next week's reading
Ack! Just when I thought I was working toward working toward picking up the NOVEL, I was forced off my regular computer by the house repairs and turned on my untrustworthy laptop. The first few chapters of the prequel to my first fantasy novel (in the midst of an incomplete revision) were sitting there (it's as far as I got on that one). I haven't read them in years. I read them. I started tinkering with them....
last week's writing § next week's writing
About the Phonosnout
501. I've changed
I've changed again. I think i'm in a constant state of transition. I'm not the me i used to be, or maybe i'm just more me. It doesn't really matter, except i don't know myself. Then again, do i really need to? Tonight i spent my first night at home for a long time. (I'm usually at The Seed.) It was the echo of a thousand other nights that have been (before Seed), but i felt uneasy and wasn't comfortable. I don't fit in my old life anymore.
502. Suddenly realized
I just suddenly realized why i've been okay all this time while Paul's been gone. I mean, i just figured it out. My heart (or feelings) have been in a deep freeze all the time he's been gone. It only hurts while thawing out and freezing up again. I managed to get it pretty well thawed out during that Thursday to Sunday when he was here. Then, when i returned from driving him up to camp i had all that refreezing to do (painful). Then, when i visited him yesterday (so short) it didn't have time to thaw (my numbness was just that; my feelings were still frozen). I was so afraid of the pain of refreezing that i wouldn't let them thaw. (They did get a thick blast of thawing air when he kissed me goodbye then held me close.) I managed to cover the refreezing pain on the way home, i think.
503. Weeks later (pain)
It's a few weeks later (three? already?). Wow. So much has happened. And now there is no Paul and i anymore. It's just me, alone again. Somehow, something changed, and he wanted to be free. Was i chains? Was i? Did i hold too much? Did i want too much? All i wanted was return on my love, but now he cannot even give that.
504. Dead (from the heart onward)
I am dead. From the heart onward. Why God? Is it i'm to learn patience? Is this "good friend" trip so i will learn to put You first? I felt so sure it was Your Will (at least for now). Maybe i am just to wait on You. How do You want it? Please show me, God. (What i'm really asking is please give him back.)
505. And why?
And why do things have to be dragged on as friends? Is this because this is only temporary? You told me so surely about need. That he needed me. (I knew i needed him.) Is this what it's all about?
To learn patience--that is obvious.
Teach me not to be impatient. I've got all eternity (but i still want to live and love now!)
506. Wasting time
Well, here i am wasting time until 2:30 when my next class starts. Whatta messy day! (messy exclamation mark there, too.) I feel like not-me. Pain? Lost? (Snow and rain, snowmouse
507. So many people
Here, there, everywhere. Are they alive too? Do they feel? Do they see? Why? Do they ask why? Do they know? I'm at home on Mars.
508. And they call this higher education!!! 
509. Phonosnout in a Philosophy class??
What? What am i doing? (watching my mind go 'round in circles.) What a trip! (for sure). Or--as Dwayne ( a street kid [person]) would say, "get geal" (get real). Obligation to study philosophy? What??! Je ne comprends pas . I'll wait and maybe Plato will explain. (All this because I couldn't get into Anthropology).
510. Ow Ow Ow Ow
[Funny quotes omitted from Larry Norman's song about the Jews' Exodus from Egypt.] Sure would be nice if someone would take me to the promised land, but i'm sick of copping out, waiting to be led. I forgot that if you want to be led, you've got to follow. [Very spiritual quote from another Larry Norman song about leaving darkness by following the Son.]
511. Leaving the darkness
It's time (it should be, by now). I can't sit and wait for the darkness to leave me, i've got to leave it. I don't want to be just as dead as i was when my eyes were blind. As Randy Matthews says--it's my choice, i'm either up or down [quote from the song omitted]. But i sure know what he meant when he said, "if hell is any hotter then i don't wanna die." [Quote about flying to heaven from the same song omitted.] I'm going to start flying. Now. 
1. I had just started my first year at UVic (the University of Victoria).
2. A kind of a small joke: Snowmouse on the Siberian Steppes, which looks like this:
3. No text here.
4. "Je ne comprends pas" = I don't understand. In addition to Philosophy I was taking French.
5. I'm kind of amazed how rational I sound compared to how devastated I remember feeling about the whole break up. I guess the three weeks made me able to sound this okay.
last week's Phonosnout § next week's Phonosnout
Last Week § Les Semaines index § Next Week
Email comments, questions, and complaints to email@example.com § Neile's main page
2520 people have wandered through this week with me