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Les Semaines

00.01.30

what I'm thinking and doing § what I'm listening to § what I'm reading
what I'm writing § retrospective: The Phonosnout

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Crash and Burn

Well, I'm not sick but I'm not well, either. Something's wrong and I'm not sure what. Went out to dinner with friends on Friday night, and while I enjoyed it, the restaurant was noisy and I came home with ringing ears as though I'd been to a loud concert, and I was so tired. Exhausted.

Got up Saturday morning or at least hauled myself upstairs to the loveseat by the window at 9:30, not all that unusual for a weekend morning, and promptly fell asleep there until 11:30. I only woke up because Jim was trying to figure out if we were going to go to the matinee of Topsy Turvy as we'd planned. I managed to put on clothing, stick my contact lenses in, and get out the door to watch the movie. I came home, ate a sandwich, and fell asleep again. Woke up enough to watch Xena: Warrior Princess, channel surf a while then watch a movie till 1:00 a.m. Went to bed then slept through until 9:30 this morning.

This is the first time I've been on my computer since Friday. And I feel as though I'd like to take a nap. I'd love a nap.

This is so sudden, and odd. I had a fairly high energy week, though I do remember feeling sleepy at work one morning, and Thursday night I couldn't sleep and stayed up late reading.

I sometimes worry that I shall spend far too much of my future obsessing over how I feel--the kind of thing that you promise yourself you won't do when you're young and healthy and hear older people talking amongst themselves. I sometimes worry that I already spend far too much of my time now obsessing about how I feel. Certainly at work my coworkers and I share our aches and pains with a strange fascination. Maybe it's the equivalent of how when you're young you spend far too much time obsessing over how you feel emotionally--now the physical overwhelms it. Not that I feel bad most of the time, but I do have little aches and pains, my back goes bad every once in a while, my ankle hasn't felt the same when for no memorable reason it swelled up embarrassingly in Turkey and didn't go back to normal for a couple of months. I feel like an old car with various pings and noises, though nothing's really wrong. Damned annoying, I say.

This section of The Phonosnout is hard to read because of the emotional pain of the time. It haunted me for years as the relationship with Paul took years (at least for me) to clear up, as did my weird Christian faith. Being dumped by Paul was one of the worst emotional times of my life. I had never fallen so blindly, fully, in love before, and I'd had a crush on him for months before he decided he wanted to go out with me. When he said he'd fallen in love with me it was like all my adolescent dreams of love and romance had come true; then when he broke up with me, my world was over. I read what I wrote here and I want to say "of course you felt dead--you were depressed!" and I want to warn myself to stay far, far away from Paul in the future, but I was too stupid for a couple of years yet.

He was the first person I ever completely trusted myself with, and it took me a damn long time to acknowledge that not only was did he not deserve my love, not only was he just another guy, but he was in fact an emotionally sadistic guy. Not only that but in later years he continued to be a rabid Christian, and beat his children when they dared to disobey him. His first wife divorced him for it.

There but by the grace of God go I.

last week's thinking and doing § next week's thinking and doing

Listening

Still obsessing with Splashdown, though a little less than before. Got a new disc by jr, whom I first discovered about a year ago. This is quite good but I need more time to get to know it. I've also downloaded a slew of MP3s and am wading through them to find out what intrigues me enough to listen more and then possibly to purchase. I love this way of discovering music because you can listen to something enough to know if you're really interested, and things that I haven't expected to like much at first have really grown on me, like Splashdown and Annika Bentley. I've ordered a couple of discs about which I'll say more when I get them.

Sadly, due to having too much to do, I missed hearing both Mary Lydia Ryan and Willow this week.

last week's listening § next week's listening

Reading

I spent most of this week reading Dorothy Dunnett's The Game of Kings, which I started off rather ambivalent about, liked a lot in the middle, and ended up feeling a little ambivalent about. I loved the Scottish history angle of it, and especially enjoyed that much of it was in country that I knew, and some of it in castles whose ruins I have explored. I imagine I'll finish reading the series because of that, even though future books in the series apparently take place in other parts of the world.

What I didn't like about the novel was part of what I liked about it--the author seems so deep into the novel's milieu that she doesn't translate it fo contemporary readers but mostly presents it face on. This led to several confusions on my part, and also to a strange gap of feeling between me and the characters. While I was interested in them and sympathetic, I never felt as though I got close to them. Also, I felt a little cheated as things that the omniscient narrator didn't choose to reveal at first came to light--all of the characters seemed to know and feel more than the narrator revealed until later, and in the end that felt rather like a trick to me.

last week's reading § next week's reading

Writing

I continued fussing with the layout of the forthcoming poetry book until I finally decided to give over and just mail the diskette to the publisher before I was sorry I hadn't, so I sealed it up and put it in the mail.

Wrote a poem this week, another in my Scottish series, this one about Sinclair and Girnigoe Castles on the very northern part of Scotland.

NAA (Novel Avoidance Activity) continues to be the norm. When I was dozing on the loveseat Saturday morning I even dreamed that I had dreamt a great new novel idea. Sadly, or better for NAA, I can't remember what that was.

last week's writing § next week's writing

Retrospective: The Phonosnout

About the Phonosnout

October 1976

520. Phil. 100 [1]

Socrates on piety, on justice, not this or that. Fine. What do i care, sitting here so sleepy and alone? First argument, second. What? Now for the third argument, fine and dandy. I think i'm dead. I know i'm asleep. To harm any person is to lessen his specific excellence for sure. G'night.

521. Premises of argument

The premises of this argument are established by me, half-listening, half lost in sleep-writing. Exercising my wrist (why not?) Don't know why i'm so dead, i wish i wasn't so tired, it disturbs me. For that matter so does this argument. Actually, i haven't had to even notice the argument yet.

522. Everybody (Just Visiting)

[Long quote from Larry Norman about just visiting this planet omitted.] I'm just passing through on my way to where. Heading (slowly) home! (Anyone for a little rapture practise?)

523. What a mess!!

Oh my God, i can't believe what happened last night. Why? <-- of all stupid immature questions. I as good as planned it. I might as well have. I'm heading down myself and dragging him down ith me in my deseration. How could i let it happen? [2]

524. Screwed up Good!

Yesterday i screwed up good and made are all mess of everything. Killed all hope; there's none left. Everything i wish and waited for i killed with one stupid evening.I didn't even think of the consequences. I didn't even think. I wish God would just wipe me out of existence. There's no hope of ever making things right again.

525. So little

There's so little left to do. I can only wait and kill time to get out of this space. Something will change, eventually, and i'll be off on the run again, but this waiting here is going to kill me (i wish it would). I feel right now like i deserve to suffer. How can you undo something done?

526. Tiny

There was something tiny and fragile, just starting to grow, just giving a hint of growing, and in a false effort to help it, i stomped it over and killed it. It's gone now, and there's no hope of it ever rising again like the phoenix. I believe in some miracles, but some things are impossible.

527. Repeat

There was only one thing i wanted, and in my impatience i destroyed it. I'm left here barely needing, barely bleeding. Wonder where to do and what to do--maybe i will just take off. Run away and hide. No guts.

528. I don't believe (reprise)

[Long quote from Larry Norman's "I Don't Believe in Miracles" omitted.] So here i sit, afraid to pray, too sick to want forgiveness. Only one thing i want, and now i can't have it. Stupid, sick, and hopeless me.

529. Don't want

I don't want to think anymore, maybe i can just immerse myself in my work, in my death. I must die again (Again!?) Seems like i'm always having to die somehow. I wish i could live in blankness. I can't. I just want to float. nothing else. Escape.


NOTES

1. Philosophy 100

2. The "it" that happened here was that Paul and I slept together again. This was a disaster because Paul had broken up with me in order to be more holy, which doesn't include sex. Especially with ex-girlfriends still pining for you.

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