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Les Semaines

99.08.22

what I'm thinking and doing § what I'm listening to § what I'm reading
what I'm writing § retrospective: The Phonosnout

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Wear my Ego Out

Is this like wearing my heart on my sleeve or like needing new soles on my shoes? I don't know, just when I was typing this week's Phonosnout entry this phrase and idea got stuck in my mind.

Maybe it has something to do with keeping a public journal in the first place, like I'm wearing my ego for show. I'm one of those people who has both a big ego (I delight to read my poetry in public) and have a small one (I hate making a show of myself in other ways). But when I write I write to communicate, and having this journal is helping me explore some things and remember others, so I've found it valuable for myself. It's also a good way for friends to keep up with me.

I don't fill it as much as I thought I would with day-to-day things. I read and love journals that do this. (Sometime I'm going to have to put up links to journals I read, but most of them are on the Not-A-Webring group.) But I'm not sure I find my day-to-day life that exciting, or the things that interest me I can't tell well enough to want to share them.

What things have happened this week? Well, Tuesday night we got safely back from visiting Jim's family, having watched a rather nasty fight erupt in our faces. That was painful, and made us click our heels and say "There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home".

And before we left North Carolina, we heard about the earthquake in Turkey. Only five weeks ago we were there, and loving it. When I think of the loss of life it's terrifying, and I remember all those hundreds of half-built apartment buildings we passed along the road. Happily the friend we stayed with there is still in the States, and one friend that we knew was in Istanbul reported herself well and safe.

Yesterday Jim and I made four batches of spiced apricot raspberry jam, which was fun, but tiring. Today Jim has been blanching and freezing scarlet runner beans, which somehow became his job. I'm not sure why. Probably in the same way that laundry became his (the washer and dryer are right below his study to he hears when the loads are done while I always forget them for hours).

Oh, and a dear friend showed up at our door to announce that he has moved back to Seattle! He'd gone to Boston a few years back to take a job there and I even visited him there in 1997, but he's back, and will be living fairly close by.

We messed with our computers, worked in the garden some, watched TV some (Babylon 5 Crusader), listened to music some, fed cats, provided laps for aforementioned cats, read, and constructed elaborate mental images of the universe.

Don't knock it, it's a good life.

last week's thinking and doing § next week's thinking and doing

Listening

Right now I'm listening to Nick Drake and slowly working on his entry for The Ectophiles' Guide. He's wonderful. I'm listening to Pink Moon right now.

Also been listening to My Scarlet Life to write their Ectophiles' Guide entry and fell back in love with their first disc, Reliquaries--what a strange and wonderful disc!

last week's listening § next week's listening

Reading

On the trip and on the plane on the way home I read Justina Robson's Silver Screen. Damn it was good. It was so good. Silver Screen was my escape hatch from the family reunion but even despite the distractions it was one of the best novels (SF or otherwise) that I've read this year. It totally caught me up. The characters were well-realized and the main character so real I kept thinking I really knew her. The plot is not only laid out well with all its twists and turns and mysteries and while the ending was satisfying it made me think and imagine, and care enough about the characters to speculate on their futures. I love that. I'm not saying this just because I'm proud to call Justina a friend of mine--one of the reasons I'm proud to call Justina a friend of mine is now because of this novel. Wow. I bless www.amazon.co.uk yet again.

last week's reading § next week's reading

Writing

Dammit, I'm still letting myself get through days and days without actually writing anything. I know I'm sorting through lots of things in my heard, but it's hard to feel productive like this, dammit. I need to start actually writing something. Planning isn't really writing, especially when the planning has been going on for well over two months now, and I go back to work in about ten days. Sigh.

last week's writing § next week's writing

Retrospective: The Phonosnout

About the Phonosnout

March 1976

291. Indeed

("Indeed that would make one think there might be thought.") Yes, this book might make one think there might be thought, but there isn't there isn't a single thought anywhere. Not to be found, anyway. Thoughts are never to be found, not ever. Thoughts are superfluous. More than unnecessary, they are lost.

292. Time off

I'm planning on taking a little time off for reflection. I need both the time and the reflection. Time before i go to The Seed and confront myself [quote from Elton John's minotaur song off Empty Sky omitted]. I am the minotaur and the sun has always enraged me, but i am more than caged.

293. O how high

[Another quote from Elton John's minotaur song off Empty Sky omitted.] And how high grows my fear of the scaffold. Not exactly anticipation, is it? Phonos should not speak of scaffolds, though scaffold speak of Phonos. Scaffolds murmer constantly of pain and fate; only those suffering in pain and from fate can hear them.

294. Cries

I don't want to go and confront myself. I feel like i'm tied in knots. So mixed up. Actually, i'm just wishing too much. Wishing always. I don't even know if i really want my wishes to come true.1 I don't think i do. I want to be free, yet i want to be chained.
     I want a...
     I love to...
     I need a...
     I search for...
Mostly i just search for.

295. Inspirations

[Quote from David Bowie's "Soul Love" about inspirations omitted.] That is so true. I have no inspirations, possibly because i now know that love isn't loving. They are two (too?) distinct, separate, and distant things. [Another quote from "Soul Love" about letting the person know you really care omitted.] Yes! (No?)

296. Found

I've found an answer, but now i sit here and reject it. I guess i don't like answers--only questions. The same way i only like unfulfilled wishes. I've got to go, got to grow, and soon. I think i need an escape route, but if i could find one i know i wouldn't take it. I'm oh so lost and enjoying it.

297. Learning

Through all this confusion i am learning (you'll be glad to know). There is one thing i can always depend on, and i hope you know and understand what i am referring to and why i am referring to it, His Love (like in chapter 272) I am learning that He is always there to reply on. It's frightening somehow, when i know i'll never be able to live up to it. Part of it is not having to, i guess.

298. Sing

I've got to [quote from a song from Godspell about singing for the children of God omitted]. I don't feel much like singing, but i guess this is the time to sing, i mean when i don't feel like singing is the time when i should do it (life is strange and f'rout).

299. Oh know [sic]

Oh know, it's getting near that time again. Time for a little reviewing. That is next chapter, 'cause it's a milestone. (As always!) I don't know what i'm saying, 'cause i'm not thinking. I think i'm too introspective, so i've decided to stop thinking for a while. It's sunny but cold outside. Neaters!

300. Chapter 300, time for review

It's chapter 300, time for review. It's a little bit me and it's a little bit you. This time from January to the beginning of March, 1976. It didn't take me very long to fill in another hundred chapters. I'm think i'm tuned into Phono (sorta). I keep talking and talking until i wear my ego out. Well, i guess it's better than wearing it out on people. Paper doesn't talk back. (Often, anyway.)


NOTES

1. Ah, I was wondering what this was all about. Almost certainly my crush on Paul, who worked with me at The Seed.

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