NARRATOR: Of all the summer’s big movies, the Penguin Playhouse has decided to bring you their version of a super powered extravaganza! (Don’t they do this every year?) This decision had nothing to do with having the costumes left over from the last chapter, really. So without further ado we bring you: SpandeX-Men Disjointed!

LIGHTS: OFF

EXCEDRIN: [From offstage] Since the discovery of their existence, mutants have been regarded with fear, suspicion, fear, hatred, fear, nausea, fear, and occasional drowsiness. 

MANDOLIN: A few notes of the Star Trek theme.

EXCEDRIN: [From offstage] These are the ordeals of the SpandeX-Men. Their mission: to explore in X-marked uniforms, to seek acceptance from the unaccepting, to boldly evolve where no one has evolved before.

LIGHTS: ON [The PRESIDENT is standing Center, reading a thick book] NARRATOR: At the White House, politicians behave as normal. No wait, we’re not to the scary part yet. A mysterious attacker sends the secret service into action to protect the president. MANDOLIN: Hail to the Chief

[SS AGENT 1 and SS AGENT 2 enter Right, hurriedly.]

SS AGENT 1: Mr. President!
 

PRESIDENT: Not now, I’m trying to read the new Harry Potter! What’s this word? SS AGENT 1: "and", Mr. President. PRESIDENT: Are you sure? SS AGENT 1: But Mr. President, there is a mutant attacking the White House! SS AGENT 2: (And it’s not me!)

SS AGENT 1: He is the hideous football hooligan known only as Pubcrawler!

[PUBCRAWLER enters Left with his arms raised to attack.]

[PRESIDENT and SS AGENTS react in horror.]

[PUBCRAWLER takes three staggering steps and falls down.]

PRESIDENT: [He and SS AGENTS look confused] Where did he go?

PUBCRAWLER: [From the floor] Hic! 

SS AGENT 2:  Get behind me Mr. President! [He pushes the PRESIDENT behind him (Right and Downstage) and crosses to the Left of PUBCRAWLER.]

[SS AGENT 1 also pushes PRESIDENT Right and Downstage, and moves to the Right of PUBCRAWLER.]
 

[PUBCRAWLER stands again, staggers another step towards the PRESIDENT, and falls again.]

[When PUBCRAWLER falls down the SS AGENTS shoot each other. PUBCRAWLER stands again.] PUBCRAWLER: I have you. Und now I’m going to; Und now I’m going to… Say frund vot vas I going to do?

PRESIDENT: You were just about to attack the Senate Minority Whip! PUBCRAWLER: Dot vas it! Dunka [Exits Left].

PRESIDENT: (Yeah, Taco Cabana) That was close.

RIKER: [Enters Right in trench coat.] A little too close, Mister President.

PRESIDENT: Hello William, What do you want? 

RIKER: Just your authorization for a special operation, Mr. President. We’ve managed to gather evidence of a mutant training facility in upstate New York, run by a man I know very well. I’ve got to stop him before he has another more successful role than me. I’m tall and handsome, he’s short and bald, but somehow he has escaped our past and I haven’t.

[Opens coat to reveal Next Generation shirt.] I’ve had to put up with him through seven seasons and four movies. He gets starring roles. I have to go to Trek cons for work, or a date. I must stop him.

PRESIDENT: Whatever, Riker.  Can I read my book now?

RIKER: [Turns book right side up for PRESIDENT].

PRESIDENT: Thank you. Would you hand me those pretzels?

LIGHTS: OFF
 
 

Play copyright 2003 by Roger Allen. Photos copyright by Keith Stokes.