NARRATOR: At Professor Charles Excedrin's School for gifted delinquents the news of the mutant attack on the president launches the SpandeX-Men into action. The professor, the world’s most gifted telepath and spokesman for Mr. Clean, prepares specially trained mutants, code named the SpandeX-Men, to search for the president's attacker. Meanwhile a departed member of the SpandeX-Men returns from his quest for inner truth and motorcycle mayhem. He is called Listerine and he likes to fight germs and vanquish the Flemish. Listerine is eager to meet the young woman whom he had rescued, and the woman who has captured his heart.

LIGHTS: ON

[BOBBY is standing Center reading a thick book.]

ROUGE: [Enters Right.] Bobby, look!

BOBBY: Not now Rouge, I’m reading the new Harry Potter.

ROUGE: But Listerine is back! He just rode up on the motorcycle he borrowed from Byclops.

BOBBY: From Byclops?

BYCLOPS: [Enters Right] I am Byclops, which is like the mythical creature the Cyclops but I have two eyes!

SOUND: [Mix of Sounds from opening of Meatloaf’s "Bat Out of Hell II" and a few bars of "Whatever Happened to Saturday Night" from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.]

[LISTERINE enters Right.]

BYCLOPS: You better not have scratched my motorcycle, Listerine.

ROUGE: Welcome back Listerine. I wish you had never gone away.

[LISTERINE turns to ROUGE and BOBBY with his back to BYCLOPS. He holds up a key chain. Whenever BYCLOPS is about to take the keys, LISTERINE switches hands.] 

LISTERINE: I’m sorry, I had to go Rouge; this is something I knew I had to do ever since I quit my job at the Benihana.  Who is this?

ROUGE: This is Bobby.

BOBBY: Call me Dry-Ice Man. I make everything spookier. I’m her boyfriend.

LISTERINE: [Surprised and BYCLOPS can finally get his keys.] Her boyfriend? So how do you two…?

BOBBY: Well we’re working on that, but at least now anything we do is legal, thanks to the Supreme Court.  Look! Here comes Dr. Grayjeans

[JEAN enters Left. LISTERINE gapes at her]

LISTERINE: ?Hello Jean ?!!!

ROUGE: Listerine!

BOBBY: Rouge! ROUGE: Listerine! LISTERINE: Jean! JEAN: Byclops! BYCLOPS: My motorcycle!

ALL: Uh.

ROUGE: Listerine!

BOBBY: Rouge!

ROUGE: Listerine!

LISTERINE: Jean!

JEAN: Byclops!

BYCLOPS: My motorcycle!

ALL: Uh.

ROUGE: Listerine!

BOBBY: Rouge!

ROUGE: Listerine!

LISTERINE: Jean!

JEAN: Byclops!

BYCLOPS: My motorcycle!

ALL: Uh.

VOICE: [from offstage] (All present and accounted for, Sir!)

BOBBY: This could go on all day! Come on Rouge, the stage is getting crowded. [Bobby and Rouge exit Left.]

BYCLOPS: There’s the missing student I came out here to find, come here Lancelot Link.
 

[LINK enters Right; he is an ape from "Plan 9 of the Apes".] LISTERINE: So you were missing, Link.  What’s your mutant power? LINK: I don’t have a power. That would be… Heresy! I just have monkey pox (coughs). [Exits Left, with Byclops.]

[SQUALL enters Right with FATHER AWAY and a GIRL in a plaid skirt.]

LISTERINE: Hello Squall!

SQUALL: Hello Listerine, You’re just in time to guard the kids while we’re gone.

JEAN: Are you sure that’s a good idea? SQUALL: Well, it’s either him, or this priest: Father Away.  JEAN: I see what you mean. Let’s stick him with… I mean, let’s put Listerine in charge.

FATHER AWAY: [To GIRL] Come along and I’ll show you my mutant power. [FATHER POPS and GIRL exit Left.]

SQUALL: See you later Listerine. [SQUALL and JEAN exit Right, BOBBY enters Left.]
 

LISTERINE: Hey kid, do you have any beer here? BOBBY: This is a school! LISTERINE: So, is that a no? BOBBY: Right. Would you like some firearms?

LISTERINE: It must be tough for you and Rouge. I’ve seen the way you look at her, Bub.

BOBBY: Well, I’ve seen the way you look at Dr. Grayjeans.

LISTERINE: What do you mean?

BOBBY: You know; the longing glances, the telescope, the night-vision goggles, the web cam, and those claw holes in her shower…

LISTERINE: I know she wants me; she’s just playing hard to get with that restraining order.

LIGHTS: OFF

Play copyright 2003 by Roger Allen. Photos copyright by Keith Stokes.