NARRATOR: Because of Pubcrawler’s erratic movements, Professor Excedrin finds him hard to trace. When he senses his movements have stopped at last, the professor sends Squall and Jean to bring him back, because of their great powers, and they way they look in tight fitting uniforms. The women find Pubcrawler in an abandoned church and persuade him down from the rafters.

JEAN: Come on down little boy, we have candy!

PUBCRAWLER: Gehen Sie weg!  Ich bin durch den neuen Töpfer Harry Potter!

JEAN: Oh for heaven sake. Bring him down Squall!

[Squall flashes toy lightning bolt]

LIGHTS: ON

[SQUALL and JEAN are Center standing over the prostrate Pubcrawler.] SQUALL: I’ve never had anybody light up with so much blue flame before. PUBCRAWLER: [Sits up.] I dink my fongue is fried.

JEAN: How did you get those scars?

PUBCRAWLER: They are a mystery. Once, I was (hic) making waffles and I blacked out and then I woke up in the hospital and the first one was there. And another time (hic) I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang, then I blacked out and when I woke up I was in a different hospital. Then…

JEAN: I think we understand the secret of your powers. Why did you attack the president? PUBCRAWLER:  I don’t know, all I can remember is someone convinced me that I was a Schnauzer, and the President was Kevin Costner’s buttock!

LIGHTS: OFF
 
 

NARRATOR:  Professor Excedrin goes to visit his old friend Burrito, who, by the rules of drama, is also his old nemesis. Excedrin has always tried to persuade Burrito that he should use his power over methane expulsion for good, but Burrito has been seduced by the dark side of the farts.

LIGHTS: ON

[BURRITO is center attached to a Beano I.V. and reading a thick book.]

BURRITO: Oh that Voldemort and his death eaters, their my kind of people. [Looks up]  Go away!  I'm reading!

EXCEDRIN: [Enters with Byclops]  (Thank you Byclops. BURRITO: Byclops? BYCLOPS: I am Byclops, which is like the mythical creature the Cyclops, but I have two eyes. [Exits])

EXCEDRIN: I see you are reading Harry Potter; I'm halfway through book six myself.

BURRITO:  But book six hasn't been written yet! [Prof. Excedrin taps his head] Oh, right.  I hate telepaths!   So, Charles, have you come to release me from this Beano I. V. drip they have me on to nullify my powers?

EXCEDRIN:  Not today, old friend.  I've come to ask you: who would send a hopeless lush to attack the president?

BURRITO: [Pained] It’s William Riker!  He's already been to see me.  I'm afraid he already knows about... [Dramatic pause and puts finger up to edge of mouth ala Dr. Evil] ... Celebro!

EXCEDRIN:  Celebro?  Are you speaking of our gigantic, mind-bending device that makes the entire world believe that we, a couple of aging hacks, are the two finest actors in the world?! BURRITO: [Impatient] Of course, what else would I be talking about? EXCEDRIN:  Sorry, I just wanted to let the audience in on the plot point.

BURRITO: Very well, get on with it.

EXCEDRIN:  But Burrito, surely you didn’t tell him about [doing the Dr. Evil thing]...Celebro?

BURRITO: [Looking pained again] I did and stop calling me Shirley.  I had to, I had to! It’s worse than that Charles. I gave him directions to Celebro’s hiding place. I made him a map of your school as well. I even baked him cookies for the trip. Mr. Riker can be very persuasive.

EXCEDRIN:  My god, what did he do to you?

BURRITO: I'm sorry, Charles. 

SOUND: Trombone music starts.

EXCEDRIN:  Aarrgh!  Not that damned trombone!

BURRITO: You should have ripped his lips off when you had the chance!

LIGHTS: OFF
 

Play copyright 2003 by Roger Allen. Photos copyright by Keith Stokes.