NARRATOR: With Jean, Squall, Byclops and the professor away from the school, Riker expects no resistance to his soldiers moving in and taking control. Riker plans to hold the professor's students hostage to force Excedrin to do his bidding. However the soldiers are not prepared for young Bobby asking them for a hall pass, or for Listerine, who decides to put them in time out.

LIGHTS: ON [We see SOLDIER 1 pulled off stage Right.]

LISTERINE: [Enters Right with a thick book.] Dammit! He made me lose my place. Bobby, are you all right?

BOBBY: I think I just iced my pants. You were, like, really strict with that soldier!

LISTERINE: What an idiot. He brought a knife to an Adamantium claw fight. Now be quiet, I have acute hearing, Bub.

BOBBY: Wow! Are you Bajoran?

ROUGE: [Enters Right] It’s terrible! They’ve kidnapped six students and killed a teacher.

BOBBY: Kidnapped students! How awful!

LISTERINE: What about the teacher?

ROUGE: Oh it’s all right. He didn’t expect to last the year anyway. He taught "Defense Against the Dark Arts".

COLOSTOMY: [Enters Left.] I recommend we immediately go to red alert, jettison all the first years, flood the hallways with neurotoxin gas, and shoot the rest of the film from… the battle bridge!
 

LISTERINE: Hello Colostomy. COLOSTOMY: You know I hate that crappy code name, Listerine. I can help! LISTERINE: No, there are already too many characters for the audience to keep track of, Bub. COLOSTOMY:  Oh come on! My body turns into stainless steel! I’m bulletproof! I can smash soldiers two at a time!

LISTERINE: Okay! In total darkness, you crawl through a cramped storm drain, quietly sneak the kids past the soldiers and lead them to a place of safety; while I use my heightened senses and cat-like stealth to fight the soldiers. [Both consult script] Yeah, I did read that right. Weird.

COLOSTOMY: Give me some sunglasses. [LISTERINE passes him some shades.] Hasta la vista baby. [Exits Right. BOBBY and ROUGE follow him off.]
 

[SOLDIER 1 and SOLDIER 2 enter Left.]

LISTERINE: [Waves claws. Cowardly lion voice] Put ‘em up; Put ’em up. Which one of you first? I’ll fight you both together if you want. I’ll fight you with one paw tied behind my back. I’ll fight you standing on one foot. I’ll fight you with my eyes closed.

SOLDIER 1: Ha, ha! You comic book heroes can’t kill anyone. It’s against your rules.

LISTERINE: [Tears down the Comics’ Code Authority symbol and pretends to pee on it.]

SOLDIER 2: Oh, crap!

LISTERINE: Shoot me now! Go on shoot me now, Bub.

RIKER: [Enters Left.] He doesn’t have to shoot you now. He can wait till he gets home. You haven’t changed in decades Listerine.

LISTERINE: You mean my mutant healing powers keeps me looking young? 

RIKER: No I mean you haven’t changed underwear in decades. You filthy animal, you picked the wrong actor to side with. I will be triumphant and get the fame he has always stolen from me.  I don’t understand why everyone likes him.

LISTERINE: Have you tried a British accent?

RIKER: [Pepper pot accent from Monty Python] I don’t understand why everyone likes him.

BOBBY [Enters Right, with a white piece of Styrofoam, and separates Listerine and Riker. Riker and Listerine put their hands up to either side of the foam.] Whoosh

RIKER: I have been and always shall be… your worst friggin’ nightmare.

LISTERINE: Let’s get out of here kid; we can hide in an airport or something.

BOBBY: Are we going to Boston, Logan?

LIGHTS: OFF

Play copyright 2003 by Roger Allen. Photos copyright by Keith Stokes.