NARRATOR: Riker seems to have no obstacles to his plan to mind control Excedrin into doing his bidding. Then Riker discovers that the president has also assigned his secret underground base to another military leader working on a different secret project.

LIGHTS: ON

MANDOLIN: Theme from The Odd Couple

[ROSS and RIKER are Center]
 

RIKER: General Ross! You have got to stop leaving your tanks scattered around! And you can’t leave the door to the secret base wide open where everyone can let themselves in or out. And I am not going to mop up the next time one of your experiments breaks open and floods all over my nice clean floor. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get Adamantium stains out? ROSS: [Chews cigar] Give me a break, this is worse than when I shared the secret base with those Stargate weirdoes! [Exits Left.]

TRINITY: [Enters Right, and takes off her sunglasses to reveal she is wearing sunglasses underneath.] Hey I’m from the secret city downstairs. Could you keep it down up here? We’re trying to listen for the approach of killer robots.

TERMINATOR: [Enters Left.] Like me?

TRINITY: No these are bulbous and have several long appendages.

TERMINATOR: Oh no, I don’t have several. I just have the one.

TRINITY: Hmmm. RIKER: Watch it! This is a family secret underground base. TERMINATOR: [To RIKER] Talk to the hand. [To TRINITY] Perhaps you would like to come see my time hole? [Exits Left with TRINITY.]

MINA: [Enters Right] Phew! Did someone leave a time hole open here? I am supposed to be in an adventure a hundred and four years ago.  RIKER: Well, looks like your Victorian adventure has run out of steam. Ha ha!

HULK: [Enters Right] Pun-ny Human. Hulk smash! MINA: Hyde? Is that you? HULK: Actually, I like to think of myself as the distillation of the most piquant qualities of Shelley’s monster, Wilde’s Giant, and of course Stevenson’s Hyde.

HYDE: [Enters Right.] Argh! Modern derivative! Hyde Smash [HULK and HYDE grab each other and exit Right growling.]

MINA: Boys!

JACK SPARROW: [Enters Left.] Well this is different from the Caribbean, and you look much nicer than a barrel of rum. You haven’t seen any walking skeletons have you? MINA: No, you’re safe. And yummy. Come back with me for a bite!  JACK SPARROW: I think I did deserve this! MINA: I just love seafood! [They exit Right.]

RIKER: Finawiwy! A wittle west and wewaxation. BUFFY: [Enters Left, breathless] Woman! Fangs! Which way? RIKER: [Groans and points.] BUFFY: Thanks! Come on Mr. Pointy! [She exits Right.]

RIKER: And now "Professor". [He pulls a remote out of his pocket and presses it.] [EXCEDRIN enters Right, with(out) a colander on his head with jumper cables attached to it.] RIKER: Make the world love my acting! (Wait a minute you’re missing something. EXCEDRIN:  Never, I’ll never submit! Not, at least, until you get the prop.

[HULK enters and attaches the colander and jumper cables to EXCEDRIN] RIKER: It’s so hard to get evil help these days.) EXCEDRIN: Hmm I can’t do that. It would be easier to just kill everybody on earth, except the ones who like your acting.

RIKER: How many would that leave?

EXCEDRIN: Um, let’s see: your mom, the president of your fan club, a very indiscriminant basset hound, and the French.

RIKER: I can live with that! [Sneers] Make it so! [Exits left]
 

BURRITO: [Enters right] Stop, Excedrin! Your mental powers won't work on me, thanks to my way cool protective hat. I have come to help you stop Riker's evil plan. Then, I will substitute an evil plan of my own! Bwa-ha-ha-ha! All I have to do is reverse the polarity of the neutron flow. [Swaps jumper cables] That was easy -- I didn't even have to use my sonic screwdriver. [Leans next to Excedrin's ear] Now, Professor, we're going to adjust the brains of the Oscar voters so that I will win every award in every category! [Straightens up] This will prove I really am the world's greatest actor! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

LIGHTS: OFF
 

Play copyright 2003 by Roger Allen. Photos copyright by Keith Stokes.