NARRATOR: to save the team Bobby and Rouge try to fly the jet.

LIGHTS: ON

[ROUGE is holding a book called Jets for Dummies.]

ROUGE: I’ll try this! [BOBBY and ROUGE lean right.]

ROUGE: I’ll try this! [BOBBY and ROUGE lean forward.]

ROUGE: I’ll try this! [BOBBY and ROUGE lean left.]

BOBBY:  I’ll push this button labeled "autopilot".

[EXCEDRIN, SQUALL, HULK, JEAN, LISTERINE, BYCLOPS, PUBCRAWLER, ROSS, TRINITY, TERMINATOR, MINA, FATHER AWAY, GIRL, HYDE, BUFFY and JACK SPARROW  enter and collapse the stage. ROUGE begins distributing peanuts.]

EXCEDRIN: Well done and just in time too. It is imperative that we get this plane to Washington as soon as mutantly possible. After we go home for a costume change of course. (PUBCRAWLER:  Going to Washington! What is it? EXCEDRIN: It’s a big city with politicians, but that’s not important right now!)

SQUALL: But Professor, The plane is too heavy to lift off! ROUGE: But why? It’s just us, and the captives we rescued and the others we couldn’t leave to drown, and that two thousand pound green giant. HULK: [Whistles nonchalantly.]

LISTERINE: I have a cunning plan, Bub. We need to find a volunteer to get off the plane. Everyone who has a cool nickname raise his or her hand.

[Everyone but JEAN raises his or her hand.] 

JEAN: It’s not my fault I don’t have a cool nickname. I’ve always relied on my other skills. [Concentrates] Help us Byclops, You’re our only hope. Help us Byclops, You’re our only hope. [BYCLOPS moves to grab JEAN.] Help! Byclops is brainwashed!

BYCLOPS: No, but Riker did give me some tips on telepathic girlfriends. [Pushes Jean overboard.] (Aloha)

JEAN: [As she is pushed offstage] But Ohana means no one gets left behind!

BOBBY: Doctor Grayjeans fell headfirst into the hole in the dam! We’re saved!

NARRATOR: And there was much rejoicing.

ALL: [Halfheartedly] Hooray!

SQUALL: Jean’s gone!

LISTERINE: All she left behind was this Arizona change of address card filled out for Phoenix.

LIGHTS: OFF
 
 

NARRATOR: The SpandeX-Men make a surprise visit to the President in the oval office, complete with time stoppage, spooky weather effects, and dim lighting. 

LIGHTS: ON

EXCEDRIN: Captains blog supplemental: We have hurried to visit the President…

BYCLOPS: Professor, you’re talking to yourself again. 

PRESIDENT: What are you people doing here? I want to be left alone; I’ve just got to the part where Harry kills… PUBCRAWLER: (nein nein) we haven’t read it yet.  BOBBY: No spoilers.

LISTERINE: We’ve been too busy saving the world, Bub.

PRESIDENT: The country owes you Spandexmen a favor.  (I think… No that hurts too much) I can persuade the government to end its mutant persecution, abandon the mutant registration act, and proclaim you national heroes!

EXCEDRIN: We don’t want that Mr. President.

PRESIDENT: What?

BOBBY: What?

PUBCRAWLER: Vott?

EXCEDRIN: No, without conspiracies against us, and persecution by the authorities we could not maintain the level of angst we require to be who we are. All we want is that you never let us feel secure. And here, I’ve brought you some blueprints for giant robots to attack us with in the next sequel.

LIGHTS: OFF
 

Play copyright 2003 by Roger Allen. Photos copyright by Keith Stokes.