What's New?     March 22, 2001

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Forward to April, 2001...

3-22-01

NEWSFLASH!

Ever had one of those days where you could write an entry that's a major spout-fest of everything, or you can just say nothing because it is too much to get your brain to focus? That's how this entry is. I should just not even bother to start.

But I am going to. I'll try to be brief, and focused.

In short, I am exhausted. Just... with everything. I envy people who get 8 hours of sleep a night, and I really envy people who can fall asleep easily and who can "curl up with a book" or just sit down on a sofa and veg. Or those who can go outside and just pause and look at a tree and the sky behind it. I cannot summon up enough energy to do anything including get to bed early, now that I am sorta "done" with the books, and am only waiting for some wonderfully kind people who are first-reading my drafts. I know I will have to do some significant revision (cringe and terror).

And also, tax preparation looms -- I have entered a lot into Turbo Tax -- all of my forms, but I still need to correct some Schedule A type deduction stuff, and enter a gazillion annoying recepts, and figure out some complex things. I am faced with an uncertain tax situation, where I might actually have to pay this year and I don't have all that much time. Normally I would be done with taxes by March or middle of February. But in my general exhaustion state after the 6 months of writing and watching 4 dear animal family members die, and other stresses, I am like a badly baked potato.

Life's just not letting up. I didn't make the Nebula Final Ballot, which is a bummer, but not too surprising. I got a rejection from the SFF Net antho -- also a minor bummer, since I sent in something at the last minute.

But the worst thing is that due to some things that I am not going to discuss here, for the first time in a long time, I am doubting my ability as a writer, and that is undermining everything -- all of my zeal and drive and ability to do self-promotion or to just plain live. Because you see, writing and other creative pursuits -- art, music -- is all I really have. Besides the responsibilities to those near me, it is the only thing keeping me alive.

It sounds sucky and pathetic, like I don't have a life. Well, it's true, I don't. But the difference is, where before I didn't mind not having a life since I had such a great life in the depths of my creative mind, I now am getting it rubbed in my face.

But the good thing is, I started to clean my room! I even watched TV for two nights in a row! Do you know how weird it is to watch TV, and see people having a life? Little tiny concrete details of "life" that buzz in my mind. I almost should just not watch, because it constantly reminds me of how weird my life really is -- even though TV life is Dreamland, it still reflects most people's lives more accurately than does my own personal reality.

But anyway. Slooowly but surely, I will emerge from this minor temporary Blue Place that is primarily just a pause, and in the back of my mind I know it.

In fact, I feel better already. *grin*

Damn indomitable optimist me, even in the shittiest trenches.

Oh, and just in case you think I don't have enough to distract me, I signed up with Tonos.com and I plan to musically collaborate online with musicians all around the world!

And maybe next time I will be "together" enough to even keep up with the rest of the NAW which I have been neglecting shamefully. Bad NAW Mom, Vera!

3-12-01

NEWSFLASH!

Okay, the first draft of my collection DREAMS OF THE COMPASS ROSE is done! The total word length for the collection stands at 116,873 words, and I still have to edit the last two stories that I finished, "The Cup" and "The Story Of Time."

I stayed up all night to finish it, was done at 5:00 AM, then went to work, running on nerves, and am about to crash after 48 hours of no sleep. More later!

WOOOOHOOOO!!!