PerSimmons

 

The Top 54 Survival Rules for the Intelligent Undead

 

BEHAVIOR

 

54. I will not demonstrate knowledge inappropriate for someone of my "apparent" age.

 

53. I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.

 

52. I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of my community and will make sure that I cultivate enough friends that I will be warned of anyone spreading malicious rumors about me.

 

51. The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions.  Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine for everyday wear as they are less noticeable.

 

50. I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day.

 

49. I will not change into a bat, scuttle up walls, fly or hypnotize people when there might be witnesses.

 

48. I will get a voice coach and change my name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is less suspicious than "I.......am......Dra.....cu.....la."

 

47. I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidentally cuts himself.

 

46. I will be able to explain porphyria and why that unfortunate genetic condition is the reason I cannot go out in the sun.

 

45. I will spend no more than 10 years in any one location and when I move it will be somewhere distant. I will not return to a previous home for a minimum of 80 years. Anyone who previously knew me will either be dead or senile.

 

44. I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire whorehouses and prostitution rings, vampire bars, or vampire biker gangs.  They attract the wrong kind of attention.

 

43. Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a major spice at that restaurant.

 

42. All villagers will be encouraged to send their children to the schools I will secretly finance.  After a few years of modern education they will dismiss the legends told by their grandparents, several of which will undoubtedly be ways to destroy me.

  

 41. All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an interest in the supernatural will be identified and observed for sudden changes in behavior.

  

40. All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which will make the absence of blood and bite marks impossible to identify.

   

39. I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water pistol and a confident manner.

 

39. A Kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart is a rather trendy fashion accessory.

 

37. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity.  I don't have any.  That is why it is former.

 

THE LAIR

 

36. The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice container and there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage.

 

35. All of the cutlery in my house will consist of either stainless steel alloy or plastic.  There will be no silver.  (Besides, I might accidentally cut myself.)  Not even silver serving trays or teakettles.  Perhaps a highly polished metal surface that could fool the untrained eye into thinking it is silver and so trick the Hero into using it as an ineffectual weapon...but no actual silver.

 

34.  The same goes for silver decor:  chandeliers, candelabras, picture frames, weighted cane heads, etcetera.  I don't even want pocket change left lying around, no matter how degraded the currency has become.  From now on we tip and say:  "Keep the change."

 

33. My home will not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become sharp, pointed stakey things at inopportune moments.

 

 32. My home will have mirrors but they will be located in places such as the bathroom where I am unlikely to be at the same time as the Hero or his/her friends.

 

31. There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts or air vents accessing my Hidden Lair that have any sort of access to the outside and which sunlight can be directed down using mirrors.

 

30. If there must be windows they will be painted over and backed with steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he attempts to throw something through it at sunrise.

 

29. My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box.  The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymores designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.

 

28. While castles and mansions are traditional and have a certain flair, the two bedroom bungalow is less noticeable in suburbia.

 

27. I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a burglar alarm with an automatic dialer.  It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me while under arrest for attempted breaking and entering.

 

 26. Crossbows, spears, arrows and other antique weapons with wood or large blades will be banned from the home/castle.  There is nothing wrong, however, with a fine collection of rifles and handguns.

 

25. Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door.  Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room, handcuffed and chained to the wall where they will provide lunch for my concubines.

 

 SERVANTS, SLAVES & CONCUBINES

 

24. There are thousands of sick people who want to be vampires.  Why pick someone who doesn't?

 

23. More vampires means lower prey ratio:  I will carefully consider if I really want more of us running around.

 

22. I will not use bug-eating morons as servants.  Pretty females dressed in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.

 

21. I will not transform children.  Their bodies will stay the same age forever while their minds grows older and they will become whiny and disobedient.

 

20. When turning those victims I wish to keep around as personal servants. slaves, and concubines, I will bite them in out-of-the-way locations, typically covered by clothing and therefore not obvious to casual observation.  Fang-marks above the collar-line are just walking billboards to would-be slayers.

 

19. All future servants, slaves, and concubines will be screened and have complete background checks.  Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration.  The irony is not worth the risk.

 

18. All future servants, slaves, and concubines will be "thoroughly" searched for rosaries, crucifixes and garlic before I approach them.

 

17. All servants, slaves, and concubines will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.

 

16. Servants, slaves, and concubines will have a zero-tolerance rule:  one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.

 

15. "Concubine" has such an old-fashioned, sex-object, connotation to the denotation of vampires subservient to the Master Nosferatu who created them.  Their importance as a means of distracting the unwary by such notions, enhanced by their appearance as so much "eye-candy" should not be under-valued.  Even more so, it should be remembered that concubines serve a major role as bodyguards and should be properly trained and equipped as such. 

 

14. When recruiting new blood, so to speak, I will first enslave those who might notice odd behavior in my future concubines.  Therefore, I will take the teacher at the all-girls school first.

 

13. Although firearms are useless against myself and the concubines, they work quite effectively on the Hero and his friends.  Therefore all concubines will be armed and taught to shoot.  They will use hand and fang in attack only as a last resort.

 

12. All concubines will save the loose, transparent, flowing silk dresses for special occasions.  I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a woman in leather and Kevlar, which provides more protection so she lasts longer in a fight.  

  

11. All my concubines will be fully aware that they are not to seduce, attack or even bother visitors staying in the castle unless they have express consent from me.

 

10. When I take the Hero's True Love to make her my concubine and eternal slave I will not show her off to goad the Hero into making an attack.  She will be tucked away in a quiet room watched over by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead.

 

THE HERO / HEROINE

 

9. As cute as the Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who are not capable of destroying me.

 

 8. I will not begin a vendetta against someone who has destroyed a fellow vampire that I was fond of.  They have clearly demonstrated they have the ability to destroy me, as well.

 

7. I will not send bodies or parts thereof of former friends, relatives, mentors or lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate my complete mastery over life and death.

 

6. I will not personally finish off the Hero.  That is what loyal servants, concubines and assorted slaves are for.  Besides, the True Love is probably tastier.

 

5. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a Mafia hit team to take out the Hero and his friends.  Let's see the crucifix protect them from an Uzi.  

 

 4. Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive trauma from a shotgun blast before he becomes lunch.

 

3. I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on killing him anyway so what's the point?

 

 2. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake.  If I must face him/her, I will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle and grenades. (see USMC rules for Gunfighting)

 

And the #1 Survival Tactic for the Undead...

 

1. I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They will still be there when he/she is dead.

 

 

Return to PerSimmons Home Page