PerSimmons:

Horror Movie Survival Tips

 

 

 

After you've acquainted yourself with THE BASICS, review the finer points, grouped by category below...

 

HOME, SWEAT HOME (No, it's not a typo)

 

BUILDINGS / REAL ESTATE

 

ITEMS

 

DOLLS

 

ANIMALS

 

KIDS! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS, TODAY?

 

PEOPLE

 

DEMONS AND DEVILS AND HELL, OH MY!

 

SEX

 

TRAVEL

 

SPLISH, SPLASH

 

MISCELLANY

 

THE BAD THING

 

SYNCHRONICITY

 

WEAPONS & STRATEGY

 

THE REALM OF GOD

 

FIRST AID

 

TELEPHONES: REACH OUT & "TOUCH" SOMEONE

 

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

 

LOOSE ENDS

 

 

Animals

 

1) If pets come back from the dead, lock your doors and windows and call Animal Control immediately.

 

2) If you're searching for the source of a strange noise and find that it was "just the cat," LEAVE THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY.

 

3) If any animals, such as Birds, Piranha, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately call in the authorities, get out of that town, and do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in that particular animal (ornithologists and the like): not only will they not believe you, they will make things worse by trying to prove you wrong.

 

4) If you keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly, do not let them out of your sight for so much as a second.

 

5) If a dog, cat, or horse begins to behave in an erratic fashion in a particular person's presence, avoid that person at all costs (even if it is your spouse or child).

 

6) If you ever hear any howling, even if it does sound normal, DO NOT assume it is the neighbor's dog!!!

 

7) If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival.  Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense of their master.  Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!

 

8) If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you WILL be dead by the movie's end.  Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid.

 

9) If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won't eat you, the Catholic Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's familiar, and/or the horny teen-age guys don't throw you over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.

 

10) If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS!  Your species will triumph and rule all in the end (or you might at least escape your $%^& cage!).

 

11) If a maniac or monster or zombie is trying to get into your house, don't decide to try and find your lost cat or dog.  Give it up, Fido and Fluffy are dead already.  And, even if they aren't, Pet Stores in safe communities abound with replacement kitties and doggies once you've saved your own skin.

 

12) Never feed anything after midnight.

 

13) Follow all care instruction of strange animals to the letter.

 

14) If your pets, or any animal nearby, begins acting edgy for any reason, either take the hint and leave the vicinity with it, or run the hell away FROM it.

 

15)  Even though wolves and/or vicious dogs can run 5 times faster than the fastest human being, it will always take them ten minutes to catch you when fleeing through the forest, across the moor, or over the fields--even when you've only had a one-block, twenty seconds head-start and fall down repeatedly.  Try to make the most of this Einsteinian Clock Paradox.

 

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