Horror Movie Survival Tips
After you've acquainted yourself with THE BASICS, review the finer points, grouped by category below...
HOME, SWEAT HOME (No, it's not a typo)
TELEPHONES: REACH OUT & "TOUCH" SOMEONE
HOME, SWEAT HOME
1) If the house that you are living in tells you to "GO AWAY," remember that "real estate knows best" and you should do so immediately.
2) Never take a bath or shower while a maniac / spirit / demon / creature is loose in the house.
3) Or the neighborhood.
4) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, ancient burial ground, entrance to Hell, or was once a church that was used for black masses; had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion; or had inhabitants who indulged in necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
5) Do not search the basement--especially when the power has just gone out.
6) Don't reach under the bed without looking. (See rule #6)
7) Don't look under the bed.
8) If the plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.
9) If priests, rabbis, and other religious types* won't or can't enter your house, start looking for a new home. (*By "religious types" we do not mean to include Carrie's mother, the weird preacher from Poltergeist II, or any other psychotically twisted religious poseurs.)
10) Do not move into a fully automated, computer controlled house or apartment building.
11) Get as much information as you can about the previous tenants of your new home before you move in--it will just save you aggravation in the long run.
12) When walking down the same hallway you've walked down a million times before in your house, turn the lights on. When in doubt, run--do not walk--past any open doors or adjacent halls.
13) Never situate your desk in such a way that your back is toward the door, window or hall. Ditto for couches in front of TVs. Position all furniture against sturdy walls.
14) If the power goes out in your home, look out of a window at the street lights and neighbor's houses. If their power is out, too, just calm down and take a nap. If your house is the only one that's dark, then leave immediately.
15) Never ever assume the person at the door is someone you know.
16) If you see someone that you do recognize at the door, initiate a conversation, check their face for blank, lifeless expressions, and make sure no one's behind them, holding them up with a pitchfork like a human popsicle.
17) If your parents are out of town and you live in the country or up in the hills, don't have a party / invite extra people over / go out alone to travel to a friends house.