PerSimmons:

Horror Movie Survival Tips

 

 

After you've acquainted yourself with THE BASICS, review the finer points, grouped by category below...

 

HOME, SWEAT HOME (No, it's not a typo)

 

BUILDINGS / REAL ESTATE

 

ITEMS

 

DOLLS

 

ANIMALS

 

KIDS! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS, TODAY?

 

PEOPLE

 

DEMONS AND DEVILS AND HELL, OH MY!

 

SEX

 

TRAVEL

 

SPLISH, SPLASH

 

MISCELLANY

 

THE BAD THING

 

SYNCHRONICITY

 

WEAPONS & STRATEGY

 

THE REALM OF GOD

 

FIRST AID

 

TELEPHONES: REACH OUT & "TOUCH" SOMEONE

 

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

 

LOOSE ENDS

 

The Bad Thing

 

1) A smile is a beautiful thing, but remember, if it is on the twisted lips of a homicidal killer, it is not a good sign.

 

2) If you assist the villain of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services.  In fact, do not expect anything other then death, which will come in the final minutes of the film and usually over the girl you have become attracted to, but the villain wants as his own.

 

3) Don't attempt contact with aliens.  Nine out of ten aliens are nasty.  ET was a fluke.

 

4) Don't ever dig up the corpse of a dead bad guy with the intention of destroying the body.  No matter what you do, he'll come back to life.

 

6) Never, never, NEVER try to remove the mask from the 'dead' villain.  At best, you're not gonna like what you'll see and, at worst, he'll just get up again because he wants it back.

 

7) If you are battling the bad guy and suddenly find yourself fighting a loved one (dead or alive), kill them immediately.  Do not think that by divine intervention, that the bad guy is whisked away to hell and, for your efforts, is replaced by your dead mother, father, etc...  It's a trick:  just kill them.

 

8) The monster will never attack until you are aware of it.  Often, it will even wait for you to notice and then work your way up to full-blown hysteria.

 

9) Remember, the bogeyman exists...even in real life...he always exists.  He may be your boyfriend, he may be your neighbor, he may be the mysterious homeless man in your town, he may be that quiet kid at school, he may be a brutal serial killer, he may have a presidential term, but remember, the bogeyman exists...in many different forms.  After you kill the bogeyman, always remember that the title and/or persona will be, unbeknownst to the inheritor, handed down.  Watch out.

 

10) The bad guy is never who you think it is.

 

11) Consider *being* the villain in a horror movie.  If you do a decent job killing everyone, you may live for an indefinite number of sequels.  Even if you die, there's a good chance you'll be coming back.

 

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