Horror Movie Survival Tips
After you've acquainted yourself with THE BASICS, review the finer points, grouped by category below...
HOME, SWEAT HOME (No, it's not a typo)
TELEPHONES: REACH OUT & "TOUCH" SOMEONE
BUILDINGS / REAL ESTATE
1) Anything listed under "AT HOME" goes double here.
2) Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.
3) Before moving into a house, be sure to check for the following structural imperfections: (A) Doors or paper-thin walls that can be broken down easily by shambling corpses. (B) Windows built close to the ground that permit creepy-crawlies to ooze freely onto the premises. (C) Creaking floors that can alert serial killers to your presence. (D) Whispering walls. (Hint: this is not normal; ignore the overly-motivated realtor). (E) Unusual closets or other alcoves that might contain unusual objects or creatures. (F) Storage spaces beneath stairways. (G) Sealed rooms, walled-up doors, tunnels of any sort, and wells that go all the way down to Hell. (H) Regarding basements and attics: make sure nothing has died in either room before you moved in.
4) Never stand in, on, above, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead in any shape, form, or permutation.
5) If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a damn good reason. If no one else sane, healthy, or normal is spending time there then you shouldn't either!
6) Stay away from certain geographical locations, including Amity Island, Amityville, Elm Street, Haddonfield, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine, Massachusetts, or Texas.
7) This goes double for Weir, Kansas!
8) If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town. Check that; move out of the county.
9) Never loiter about, below, beside, or near a window--especially those that would appear to be more easily shattered.
10) Never put your back to or lean against a door.
11) Never stand in an open doorway and/or lean against the frame...especially if the room behind you is dark.
12) Never open a door to a closet or the outside: the bad thing is just on the other side, waiting...
13) If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.
14) If you discover that the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, strange deaths, bizarre suicides, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, LEAVE.
15) Never take the dare to spend the night in a haunted house, tomb, mausoleum, or cemetery.
16) A small-town's little summer celebration sounds like fun, but if you hear the locals say things like, "Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even *have* the barbecue without you!", run like hell.
17) Remember: quaint rural corn ceremonies are NEVER really about corn . . .
18) Stay away from 'quaint' hotels and inns. Go for the brand names.
19) If the living dead are outside and the windows are boarded up don't go near them. Carpentry skills and reliable building materials aren't what they used to be.
20) DON'T hide in a barn, warehouse or other enclosed area with only one exit!
21) Avoid houses where portraits have moving eyes, the taps drip blood, and the dog begins pawing at the wall for no reason.
22) Avoid houses where the cat stares at a blank spot on the wall for hour--wait, that's every house I've ever lived in with a cat!
23) Anytime you find yourself in a hospital where only 5 people seem to be working and most of the patients' rooms are empty, check yourself out and take your chances on the street with a box of band-aids and a bottle of aspirin.
24) Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.
25) Never camp or build homes NEAR Indian burial grounds.
26) Just maintain a five mile minimum distance from any kind of burial ground!
27) Pet Cemeteries (or any other spelling thereof) should not even be located in the same county or parish.
28) If the rest of the house is well lit and you hear a strange sound coming from the only room whose light switch doesn't work...think about it. Circuit breakers do not include sound effects: get the heck out of there.
29) Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.
30) If you're being chased by a giant, radioactive monster, Subways, Skyscrapers, Nuclear Power Plants or (God help you!) the Tokyo Tower are not good places to hide. In general, giant radioactive monsters have a strong preference for destroying famous landmarks (Eiffel Tower, White House etc.), as opposed to lesser known structures.
31) Ditto for hostile aliens in giant motherships...
32) If you're being chased by zombies, get in a room and lock the door: they're too stupid to turn the handle.
33) Don't ever try to open a door that has been sealed for a long time or if you don't know what reason it was sealed for. There is about a 95.7% chance that it was done for a very good reason.
34) Don't get locked in any building or business after hours.
35) Do not keep Venus flytraps on/near nuclear research facilities.
36) Always try and stay in the center of the room, keeping away from suspiciously low-lit corners, UNLESS there's a peculiar design on the floor or a chandelier overhead--either one means you're as good as dead.
37) When investigating a house or place shunned by the whispering townsfolk, don't try on the clothes in the trunk in the attic, don't look in the mirrors, and don't read the diaries.
38) Sudden or unexpected noises coming from the tool shed are generally bad. Investigating such noises is generally even worse.
39) Don't stay at Farmer Vincent's Motel. (And you don't even want to know what "kinds of critters" are in "Farmer Vincent's fritters.")
40) When realizing there are over 10 dead people in the woods, don't lock yourself in a deserted house in which the phone lines are dead.
41) If the young girls of the neighborhood sing songs about bogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.
42) Try to avoid going into fruit cellars of old abandoned cabins.
43) The "Keep Out" sign is probably there for a very good reason.
44) Never be in an isolated place of any kind.
45) Wax museums are always a bad idea and should be totally avoided after 5 P.M.
46) Abandoned towns with wax museums are even worse.
47) Don't hold seances in any place where people have died, or dead bodies are stored, or any place of the dead, for that matter. You'll most likely conjure up some demons that will possess you and your friends. Oh, heck: just DON'T hold seances. ANYWHERE!
48) Uproot all funny-looking plants. Then burn them.
49) If you ever see a neon sign where certain letters are missing, in the correct configuration to produce a word with a sinister connotation, totally avoid the premises!