PerSimmons:

Horror Movie Survival Tips

 

 

After you've acquainted yourself with THE BASICS, review the finer points, grouped by category below...

 

HOME, SWEAT HOME (No, it's not a typo)

 

BUILDINGS / REAL ESTATE

 

ITEMS

 

DOLLS

 

ANIMALS

 

KIDS! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS, TODAY?

 

PEOPLE

 

DEMONS AND DEVILS AND HELL, OH MY!

 

SEX

 

TRAVEL

 

SPLISH, SPLASH

 

MISCELLANY

 

THE BAD THING

 

SYNCHRONICITY

 

WEAPONS & STRATEGY

 

THE REALM OF GOD

 

FIRST AID

 

TELEPHONES: REACH OUT & "TOUCH" SOMEONE

 

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

 

LOOSE ENDS

 

 

 

Kids, What's the Matter with Kids Today?

 

1)  If your children speak to you in Latin, ancient Summerian, or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own--especially if it doesn't sound human--shoot them at once.  You'll have to do it sooner or later and it will save you a lot of grief in the long run.  (Note: it's unlikely that they will die easily so be prepared.)

 

2)  If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that are around them, be cautious.  If they stay together in a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town at once.  If you wish to stay, be as kind to the children as possible but expect to die anyway because you are inferior to them.

 

3)  Discourage your parents from taking jobs as winter caretakers at secluded mountain-top hotels.

 

4)  If you are a child, don't panic!  Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers.  Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed.  So cheer up!  (See the ONE exception under SPLISH, SPLASH)

 

5)  Usually the little kid has the best ideas for avoiding things that might maim or mangle you.  Listen to him or her!

 

6)  Children should not play with dead things.

 

7)  If young children band together to stop the end of the world, defeat the evil aliens / monsters / walking dead / psycho killers, give them props and help them as best you can.

 

8)  When a little girl can make fires start just by thinking about them, don't mess with her or her family.

 

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