PerSimmons:

Horror Movie Survival Tips

 

 

After you've acquainted yourself with THE BASICS, review the finer points, grouped by category below...

 

HOME, SWEAT HOME (No, it's not a typo)

 

BUILDINGS / REAL ESTATE

 

ITEMS

 

DOLLS

 

ANIMALS

 

KIDS! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS, TODAY?

 

PEOPLE

 

DEMONS AND DEVILS AND HELL, OH MY!

 

SEX

 

TRAVEL

 

SPLISH, SPLASH

 

MISCELLANY

 

THE BAD THING

 

SYNCHRONICITY

 

WEAPONS & STRATEGY

 

THE REALM OF GOD

 

FIRST AID

 

TELEPHONES: REACH OUT & "TOUCH" SOMEONE

 

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

 

LOOSE ENDS

 

Demons and Devils and Hell (oh my!)

 

1) If demons begin possessing your friends, family, coworkers, enemies, passing strangers, etcetera, it is ALWAYS a good idea to leave the area as soon as is humanly possible.

 

2) Never believe that your companion has truly become "dis-" or "unpossessed."

 

3) Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person.  This goes double if he / she / it resembles Satan in any way, shape, or form.

 

4) If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area.

 

5) If you're possessed, don't eat pea soup - it's a bitch to get the stains out of ecclesiastical robes.

 

6) Never fool yourself into believing you're powerful enough to contain anything you summoned.

 

7) Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a successful demon / devil / monster summoning.

 

8) Keep careful track of the number of times you say the magic word that invokes the evil spirit.

 

9) NEVER say to your friends:  "Whatever you do, don't say _____," and thereby say the magic word that invokes the evil spirit.

 

10) Do not incorporate the magic word that invokes the evil spirit into a catchy tune.

 

11) Contrary to popular belief, most demons are not helpful and/or loyal.

 

12) If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY!  Demons and Devils and Evil Spirits will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your Deity.

 

13) Crosses NEVER work on demonic beings.

 

14) The first thing to do when witnessing a satanic ritual in the middle of nowhere is to tell the wives; otherwise, they're bound to yell out into the night, asking you where you are.

 

15) NEVER eat/drink ANYTHING brought forth for a weird ceremony.

 

16) NEVER make it obvious that you did not eat/drink anything brought forth for the weird ceremony.

 

17) If a demon tells you he'll let you go if you help him, don't listen.  The guy who helps the demons always dies.  DEMONS ALWAYS LIE.

 

18) If you are dealing with demons, don't let anyone out of your sight.  The guy who goes off alone always gets possessed.

 

19) Don't repeat the Necronomicon spell wrong.  In fact, don't repeat it right either. Burn the damned book and go bye-bye as fast as possible.

 

20) Never be alone on devils night.

 

21) If you are asked to help discredit a Satanic cult, decline the offer.

 

22) If you are already in the process of discrediting a Satanic cult, avoid accepting anything, even if it belongs to you, from the leader of the cult.

 

23) If you have already accepted something from the leader of the Satanic cult, and it turns out to contain a bit of parchment with runes on it, give it back.  Quickly.

 

24) If you are protecting a kid who has been marked as the son of Satan by a religious group...Think!

 

25) If you have a child whose head begins to spin around independently of the rest of their body, start drinking a lot of Holy water.

 

26) Churches and holy grounds just aren't safe places to be in a horror movie.  Every demon from Pinhead to Pumpkinhead can usually just walk right in.

 

27) Don't play satanic music and use the lyrics to open gates to hell.

 

28) Never interfere with satanic rituals.

 

29)  Better yet, never be in the vicinity of satanic rituals!

 

30) If a guy tells you to say certain magic words when you take a book of the dead from a cemetery, DO NOT FORGET THOSE WORDS!

 

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