PerSimmons:

Horror Movie Survival Tips

 

 

After you've acquainted yourself with THE BASICS, review the finer points, grouped by category below...

 

HOME, SWEAT HOME (No, it's not a typo)

 

BUILDINGS / REAL ESTATE

 

ITEMS

 

DOLLS

 

ANIMALS

 

KIDS! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS, TODAY?

 

PEOPLE

 

DEMONS AND DEVILS AND HELL, OH MY!

 

SEX

 

TRAVEL

 

SPLISH, SPLASH

 

MISCELLANY

 

THE BAD THING

 

SYNCHRONICITY

 

WEAPONS & STRATEGY

 

THE REALM OF GOD

 

FIRST AID

 

TELEPHONES: REACH OUT & "TOUCH" SOMEONE

 

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

 

LOOSE ENDS

 

 

 

 

Items

1)  Never read a book of demon summoning aloud--not even as a joke.

 

2)  As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

 

3)  If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent and leave the area.

 

4)  If trees, TVs, closets, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.

 

5)  If appliances start operating by themselves, you ARE in danger!

 

6)  Do not take (or borrow or steal) anything that belongs to the dead.

 

7)  If you find something that you can't identify but appears to be alive, DON'T pick it up or touch it--with anything.

 

8)  Don't play with ouiji boards.  If you do and the ouiji board starts moving by itself, STOP playing and leave.

 

9)  Tarot cards:  see Rule #8.

 

10)  Never play Strip Tarot.

 

11)  If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house / car / pockets / etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY!   (Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.)

 

12)  Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason.

13)  Never open any box, coffin, crate, or anything that has been chained, nailed, welded, or wax-sealed shut--especially if it's been well hidden for a long time.

 

14)  If you receive a strange object with directions, FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS TO THE LETTER!

 

15)  If the strange object is a small furry creature that isn't supposed to be exposed to bright sunlight, water, or fed after midnight, PAY ATTENTION!  (and see rule #14)

 

16)  Never open canisters, especially if they're government owned.  Any military containers that accidentally get mailed to you should be sent right back.  And never, ever hit a container to test how strong it is.

 

17)  Under no circumstances remove any unusual item from glaciers or large blocks of ice (i.e. flying saucers, Frankenstein's monster, Dracula, the wolfman, etc. ...)

 

18)  If you do remove something unusual from the ice, do not let it thaw.  (Specifically, do not throw an electric blanket over ice, do not bleed on ice, and do not let the freezer's power go out.)

 

19)  If you do entomb an item or monster in ice (Godzilla, the Blob, etc.) make sure that the location is not well known.  (Sightseers have an annoying habit of bringing electric blankets, bleeding on ice, or detonating A-Bombs.)

 

20)  Don't mess with objects for which you have NO earthly idea of what they are.  They will either conjure up the evil creature, or teleport you to alternate worlds.

 

21)  Any seed pods approximately the size and/or shape of a human being should be destroyed immediately.   Burn them or hack them to shreds (a few squirts of Roundup will not suffice).

 

22)  And don't leave them next to your bed!

 

23)  Giant eggs of any kind should also be destroyed and, for Pete's sake, don't try to cook and eat them.

 

24)  Breaking mirrors usually does make a difference in horror movies.

 

25)  NEVER go back for anything you lost.  Anywhere.

 

26)  Do not poke strange steaming rocks with sticks.

 

27)  Don't buy antiques from strange, magic stores.  While it won't do what the owner tells you it will do, it WILL do SOMETHING.

 

28)  Do not EVER look in mirrors.  Not only will it cause permanent psychological damage (your reflection will show you as a hideous monster / demon / mutant / corpse / vampire), it will show you doing the kind of things that would get you sent to the electric chair if you were actually caught doing them (thereby insinuating that you have been wanting to do these things all your life but just didn't know it).  Also, while you are gazing in horror at these things, the hideous monster / demon / corpse / vampire will sneak up on you.

 

29)  But won't be reflected in the mirror until you turn around.

 

30) Never wear a uniform and/or badge.  You will definitely die within ten minutes.

 

31)  If a scroll has been written with blood on human skin, never break the seal.

 

32)  Never take anything from a scientific lab.

 

33)  Never attempt to investigate an electrical object that is working, but not plugged in.

 

34)  Don't open canisters that contain gas that supposedly re-animates the dead.

 

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