Horror Movie Survival Tips
After you've acquainted yourself with THE BASICS, review the finer points, grouped by category below...
HOME, SWEAT HOME (No, it's not a typo)
TELEPHONES: REACH OUT & "TOUCH" SOMEONE
1) Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.
2) Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.
3) On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.
4) If your name is Skip, you'd better change it! If you don't, you will surely die: monsters and maniacal killers cannot stand people named Skip and will always go after anyone by that name.
5) By now you've realized certain attire should be avoided at all costs (Halloween masks, clown suits, badges, etc.) However, none of these can approach the danger level of a wedding dress -- the more old-fashioned, the deadlier. Don't wear it and run like hell from anyone that does.
6) An exception to the above can be made for your bride-to-be ONLY if in a church full of real people whom you know. If she shows up wearing it anywhere else, or in an empty church, leave now or expect a honeymoon in Hell.
7) Don't volunteer to be scanned!
8) Try hard to recall any strange dreams you may have recently had. They will inevitably come into play at some point.
9) Never try to trick your friends into believing that YOU are the monster. If the real monster doesn't kill you, your friends will.
10) Never trust a robot.
11) Or a giant computer.
12) Do your community a favor and torch the local occult bookstore. They're usually more trouble than they're worth.
13) Never, EVER, tell anyone where you keep your Mojo.
14) Never be the first or last person in a line, as the last person will be shot, stabbed, killed from behind, and the first person will be killed from the front.
15) Beware of severed limbs. They will invariably try to strangle, bludgeon or impale you, or inject you with chemicals.
16) If the camera (in a horror movie) focuses on YOU and YOU alone while you are trying to complete a task by yourself, you are going to die.
17) Never consume any part of a dead monster. It never helps.
18) Never hide or pretend like your dead to scare somebody. You're just asking for it.