PerSimmons:

Horror Movie Survival Tips

 

 

After you've acquainted yourself with THE BASICS, review the finer points, grouped by category below...

 

HOME, SWEAT HOME (No, it's not a typo)

 

BUILDINGS / REAL ESTATE

 

ITEMS

 

DOLLS

 

ANIMALS

 

KIDS! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS, TODAY?

 

PEOPLE

 

DEMONS AND DEVILS AND HELL, OH MY!

 

SEX

 

TRAVEL

 

SPLISH, SPLASH

 

MISCELLANY

 

THE BAD THING

 

SYNCHRONICITY

 

WEAPONS & STRATEGY

 

THE REALM OF GOD

 

FIRST AID

 

TELEPHONES: REACH OUT & "TOUCH" SOMEONE

 

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

 

LOOSE ENDS



 

People

 

1) If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along.  Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples and you're the odd guy/gal out.  And, if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're driving them to the place.

 

2) If friends or relatives come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask, "What did you come back to do?"

 

3) If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY!  Many people will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can always buy a new pet, always have more kids, remarry. . .

 

4) If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as quickly as possible.

 

5) If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out.

 

6) Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, nailguns, hedge clippers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, power drills, soldering irons, or any device made from deceased companions.

 

7) Beware of figures wearing masks that cover only the left side of their face, look like Captain Kirk, are primarily utilized for tending goal in ice hockey, or look like the motif mask from the Scream series.

 

8) Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person.  This goes double if he / she / it resembles Santa Claus in any way, shape, or form.  Just say "No, no, no!" to "Ho ho ho!"

 

9) If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you.  Worry about funerals and proper burials later.

 

10) People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape.  At best, their deaths will momentarily distract the monster; at worst, you may be distracted and delayed by encountering their flayed and mutilated corpses at some point.

 

11) If you come to the conclusion that the people in your town / county are having their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise:  DO NOT call the police or any other group or persons of authority.  They are either:  (A) already taken over themselves and will turn you in for processing or (B) will not believe you, probably laugh at you, and quite possibly sedate and/or lock you up for your own "safety."  Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.

 

12) When a old man walks up to you and says "go away or you shall die!"; humor him: run like hell.

 

13) Avoid men in black.

 

14) Avoid men and/or women with pointy teeth.

 

15) Avoid people with lots of facial hair.

 

16) Avoid people with pale complexion who moan and sway.

 

17) Don't associate yourself with people who have access to virgins' blood and speak in Latin.

 

18) When Granny starts frothing at the mouth it's time to send her to the retirement home.

 

19) Your dog can take care of itself... So can your spouse... And your kids...

 

20) Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you save will usually die anyway.

 

21) If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask: "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain.  Just tell them to run as you go by.  If they're really your friend they'll follow.  If not--that's their tough luck.

 

22) If your girlfriend dies, don't try to revive her with modern software.

 

23) If a man with pointed teeth asks you to invite him into your house...do I really have to explain this one?

 

24) It doesn't matter if their Lucky Charms are magically delicious, steer clear of Leprechauns!

 

25) If someone starts arguing whatever solution you come up with, get rid of them ASAP.  They're likely to try and steal your girl, push you into the pit or not open the door when you need IN!  You'll probably have to shoot them before it's all over--if the monster doesn't get him first.

 

26) If you meet someone who has no reason to be there, chances are it's them doing the killing.

 

27) If the police who are protecting you from a killer are sitting outside your house in their squad car, they're either already dead or just about to die:  fugeddaboutem!

 

28) If the locals advice you to stick to the road, stay off the moors and beware the moon, remember: They're the Locals!  THEY KNOW THE TERRITORY BETTER THAN YOU!

 

29) If you survive an attack by a werewolf and your dead friend, who wasn't so lucky, visits you from beyond the grave to tell you that the next full moon you will spout hair and fangs, believe him and kill yourself.  The dead ARE experienced and give far more reliable advice than the living.

 

30) Check your nanny's references before you let her near your kid.

 

31) If you are a woman your chances of survival are much much better if you are a good woman. To be a good woman you must (A) Be a natural blond.  Blondes with visible roots are the food of choice of 9 out of 10 aliens.  (B) Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist, preferably the world's leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. You can dramatically increase your chances of survival at this point by following in your father's footsteps and becoming the world's second best leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs.  (C) Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular: red lipstick or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters.  (D) If it is too late to become a virgin, become frigid and make sure people know about it.  The no-makeup thing can be a big help here.  (E) Be in love with the bad scientist, at least for the first part of the movie BUT at all costs switch allegiances to the good scientist the second the bad scientist begins to mutate.  (F) Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully.  You will be called on to do this a lot.  (G) Hang around next to the bad woman a lot: it will make you look pure.

 

32) Bad women have only the slimmest hope for survival.  Cast jealousy aside and buddy right up to the good woman.  Be ready to squash the bad scientist like a bug the second his fortunes turn.  Loyalty here is misplaced, he doesn't respect you anyway.

 

33) Don't take food or drink from any strangers or new people in town.

 

34) Look at the film credits and paychecks of the other cast members:  the higher the salary and/or the greater the number of films, the more likely that cast member will survive.  Stick with them like glue.

 

35) Always pay close attention to the dying words of any Scientist, military heavy-weight, or person responsible for creating the monster -- it is at this time only that they will divulge the vital clue for stopping the evil.

 

36) Above all, remember this: your friends, family, and enemies, they are all expendable / replaceable.

 

37) You will never be attacked by the monster when you are cradling someone during their dying moments.  This is especially true when the person was violently savaged by the monster.  (All bets are off, however, 10 seconds after they expire...)

 

38) Large corporations or research institutes are NEVER to be trusted.  They will put profit above your safety and the safety of all mankind in order to use the vicious, mutated monster as a weapon.  (This, in spite of the fact that the beast has already cost them billions in men and materials during it's escape from the super-secret laboratory hidden away at the edge of town.)  With their unlimited resources, they are able to hire vast private armies of security personnel, apparently straight out of the nations orphanages, since there are never any grieving relatives to morn them or file wrongful death lawsuits when they are slaughtered by the hundreds during the course of the film, either by the monster or by the hero while breaking into the complex.)  Corporations are also able to mount vast cover-ups which only the hero is able to penetrate.

 

39) Always use the buddy system.  Also, make sure that your buddy is slower, weaker, or dumber than you are.

 

40) Don't be a belligerent drunk.  They have a nasty habit of getting left behind by the group and wandering into a deserted room (= deathtrap) to sulk.

 

41) If you have a twin, kill him/her. They are usually evil.  (Of course, if you do kill them, that makes you the evil twin.)

 

42) If anyone's ever told you about your twin that died at birth, or if you're adopted, you're pretty much screwed.

 

43) Being a twin is just asking for trouble. Try and be the good twin, but if it doesn't work out that way, live it up as the evil twin. Might as well have fun while you're attempting to bring about the reign of Your Father, whichever entity that might be (Satan, Yog-Sothoth, whatever).

 

44) The annoying nerdy guy who "knows the secret of the lake" is probably right, but the good news is he'll also be the first to die.

 

45) If your mother keeps having flashbacks to being chased by some horrible monster, and you've always been told that your father, "died in the war," but no one ever said which war, kill yourself at once.  (You probably can't die by natural methods, anyway.)

 

46) If your family keeps your younger brother chained up in the cellar, it's probably for a good reason, do not intervene.

 

47) That guy who you think is there to save you is only there to block your other exit.

 

48) If you are a hunter kiss your butt goodbye because you will always die.

 

49) When you're in a group, sleep in shifts. When you're alone, drink a LOT of coffee.

 

50) Never visit doctors with last names that imply insanity, death, or evil... no matter how highly recommended they come, you're better off with Kevorkian.

 

51) If you aren't the main character, then listen to what he/she says.  For the most part, the main character survives.

 

52) If someone screams "None of you know what's really going on 'round here," give them your undivided attention.

 

53) Disabled people usually die, unless they're the main character.

 

54) If you're a black man in a horror movie, don't even think that you're going to make it out alive...

 

55) If your name is spelled with a i in place of a y you will be killed sooner or later.  Best to do it yourself than waste the monster's time.  This same rule applies to anyone who's name ends in a vowel.

 

56) Always listen to the crazy old lady.

 

57) If you are a teenager, but appear to be in your late 20's, early 30's; be extra cautious, you ARE in a horror movie.

 

58) If you are a bum or drunk with no connection to the main character, and you see something strange in the sky, you might as well kill yourself quickly.  It's better that way.

 

59) If you say words such as 'dude', 'like', or 'totally' multiple times each in every sentence you utter, you're most likely going to die.

 

60) If you find yourself saying something like "guys, this isn't funny" or "I know its you in there," you can bet you're in a horror movie.  Furthermore, you can be pretty sure that you're wrong; your friends aren't playing a trick on you...its the killer / monster.

 

61) Think of one person and only one person:  yourself!

 

62) Avoid people wearing black mackintoshes, gloves, and large hats, especially in Europe, especially in Italy.

 

63) Refrain from voting for any politicians who favor budget cuts and / or work-release programs for insane asylums.

 

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