PerSimmons:

Horror Movie Survival Tips

 

 

After you've acquainted yourself with THE BASICS, review the finer points, grouped by category below...

 

HOME, SWEAT HOME (No, it's not a typo)

 

BUILDINGS / REAL ESTATE

 

ITEMS

 

DOLLS

 

ANIMALS

 

KIDS! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS, TODAY?

 

PEOPLE

 

DEMONS AND DEVILS AND HELL, OH MY!

 

SEX

 

TRAVEL

 

SPLISH, SPLASH

 

MISCELLANY

 

THE BAD THING

 

SYNCHRONICITY

 

WEAPONS & STRATEGY

 

THE REALM OF GOD

 

FIRST AID

 

TELEPHONES: REACH OUT & "TOUCH" SOMEONE

 

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

 

LOOSE ENDS

 

The Realm of God

 

1) Never meddle in God's domain.

 

2) Learn as early as possible that Man is a feeling creature, and therefore the greatest in the universe.  (In other words, don't try to "trade up")

 

3) Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you are sure you know what you are doing.  When you ARE sure that you know what you are doing is when you ARE the greatest threat to all that is sane and holy.

 

4) If you absolutely must experiment with re-animating the dead, never try to create the perfect woman from various gender-proper parts.  By no means should you give her the heart or head of your dead girlfriend with hopes of bringing her back!  In this instance it is much better to have loved and lost than to...well, you get the picture.

 

5) If your roommate at med school develops a reagent for re-animating the dead immediately drop out!  Pursue a career in fast food--anything--but by all means never, EVER, lock yourself in a basement / morgue / vault when you test it on a dead body.  Refrain from testing it on more than one body at a time and DO NOT let any of the failed experiments escape!

 

6) If you permit failed re-animation experiments to escape (by disregarding the previous tip) they will undoubtedly group together and come after you with tools!

 

7) ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or not human/primate DNA is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough hide impervious to bullets.  NEVER play god and try your hand at gene-splicing!

 

8) When scientists start saying they have made a breakthrough in gene-splicing, pull the plug on the project or resign as C.E.O. of the corporation.

 

9) Do not create life:  it's never properly grateful and will eventually kill you.

 

10) Stimulating glands that were not meant to be stimulated is a REAL bad idea.

 

11) If you ever pull the plug on a scientist's experiment, he will go mad and do the experiment anyway, with the intention of slaughtering you and all of your loved ones.

 

12) When it comes to transplants, two heads are NEVER better than one!

 

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