PerSimmons:

Horror Movie Survival Tips

 

 

After you've acquainted yourself with THE BASICS, review the finer points, grouped by category below...

 

HOME, SWEAT HOME (No, it's not a typo)

 

BUILDINGS / REAL ESTATE

 

ITEMS

 

DOLLS

 

ANIMALS

 

KIDS! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS, TODAY?

 

PEOPLE

 

DEMONS AND DEVILS AND HELL, OH MY!

 

SEX

 

TRAVEL

 

SPLISH, SPLASH

 

MISCELLANY

 

THE BAD THING

 

SYNCHRONICITY

 

WEAPONS & STRATEGY

 

THE REALM OF GOD

 

FIRST AID

 

TELEPHONES: REACH OUT & "TOUCH" SOMEONE

 

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

 

LOOSE ENDS

 

Sex

(You clicked here first, didn't you...)

 

1) If you value your life, stay a virgin.

 

2) If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow-motion.

 

3) Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps.

 

4) The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat.  (This is similar to the War Movie rule about the soldier who shows everyone his fiancee's picture.)

 

5) The guy with the testosterone overdose is usually dead meat.  And chances are even that he will return from the grave or show up possessed, to make things even worse.

 

6) Bodily functions are the next best thing to sex in getting yourself killed:  if you have to relieve yourself, hold it in.  Anyone who drops a loaf or urinates either gets slashed in the woods, impaled while in the out-house, or gets sucked down the can.

 

7) If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible!  The only one who ever survives is a female.

 

8) If you are alone and see a beautiful woman (naked or otherwise) DO NOT go to her, help her or interact with her in anyway. Play "hard to get"...with a gun if necessary.

 

9) While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house "alone."

 

10) If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are expendable.

 

11) Do not plan to engage in sexual activity while a murderer has escaped or a monster is near.

 

12) Remember, the hot teenage babe you're having sex with will eventually turn into either a vile demon or your dead grandmother, so if you must, be quick and keep your eyes closed.

 

13) If a the dead prom queen "wants" you, then agree and you'll have saved the lives of everybody.

 

14) Avoid necrophilia at all times, even when the corpse is reanimated, extremely well-preserved, and clearly wants you in the worst way (so to speak).

 

15) I don't care what you think about RuPaul or Ed Wood.  Transvestites / transsexuals are dangerous inside of a Horror Movie.  Just look at Leatherface, Dr. Frank N. Furter, Norman Bates, and that guy from the Silence of the Lambs.  One "Miss Thing" or "You Go Girl" to one of these folks and you're history.

 

Return to THE BASICS

Return to PerSimmons Home Page