Horror Movie Survival Tips
After you've acquainted yourself with THE BASICS, review the finer points, grouped by category below...
HOME, SWEAT HOME (No, it's not a typo)
TELEPHONES: REACH OUT & "TOUCH" SOMEONE
(I was taking a bath...)
1) Don't submerge yourself in a bathyscaph and search for prehistoric monsters under the ocean. You may as well just drive a giant fish hook through your body and get someone to troll with your corpse.
2) If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under--DON'T go after them OR peek over the edge of the shore/boat "to see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore. If you're on the shore, head inland.
3) Do not, under *any* circumstances, ever go skinny-dipping. Anywhere. Especially at night.
4) If you can avoid it, try not to swim in lakes or natural bodies of water. If you swim in a pool, you can see what's under the water. As with the rule concerning skinny-dipping, don't swim at night. Especially when alone.
5) Never climb a fence with barbed wire at the top to go swimming in an unusual, mysterious, government-owned body of water. Especially if there are rumors about government "happenings" circulating.
6) No matter how much you're tempted to, no matter how much you want to, DO NOT go skinny dipping in the lake!
7) Never use the bathtub for naps.
8) If a young girl is afraid of "water things" at camp, do not take part in the regatta.
9) Children do not die in horror movies as a rule but if you are one, avoid swimming in any body of water (Piranha, Jaws, The Dark Age, Alligator, etc...). Monsters DO eat kids in the water.
10) No matter what they say; Fish DO hold grudges.
11) When swimming at a place you've never been to, look for caution signs. Search the thick overgrowth carefully for such signage.
12) Enjoy being covered in cold sweat, dirt, blood, mucous, etc. If you try to take a shower, you will die. If you wash your face in the sink, you will see the killer's face in the mirror when you stand up...and then you will die. Or be attacked by the sewer monster through the drain. Being dirty might be unpleasant but it's better than being dead.
13) If you must shower, go easy on the hot water: steam-hazed bathrooms and fogged up mirrors and shower doors are just asking for trouble.
14) When on the road and staying in quaint, out-of-the-way motels (run by Momma's boys with a penchant for taxedermy), it is best to shower with the bathroom door locked, the shower curtain semi-open, and a large can of pepper-spray sitting in the soap dish.