Horror Movie Survival Tips
After you've acquainted yourself with THE BASICS, review the finer points, grouped by category below...
HOME, SWEAT HOME (No, it's not a typo)
TELEPHONES: REACH OUT & "TOUCH" SOMEONE
1) When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.
2) When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway.
3) When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules), never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.
4) If you know a planet is inhabited with thousands of acid bleeding creatures, it is generally not a good idea to go to that planet and try to bring back one of the creatures. You can't. Get over it.
5) If the lone survivor of an alien uprising on a deserted planetary mining colony is an eight year old girl and she gives you advice on how the aliens operate, DO NOT, we repeat, DO NOT brush off her opinions as the ramblings of a child. Remember, she was the ONLY survivor.
6) On the off chance you decide to disobey the above rule, and your tracking device says the acid bleeding creatures are moving towards you, immediately point your gun at the ceiling and fire. Try not to look directly up...
7) When sending an elite strike squad down to the surface of a alien infested planet, leave someone on the damn mother-ship. Oh and when you leave the planet before it blows up, shut your landing gear.
8) When you walk into a room / house etc., ALWAYS at least TRY to switch the lights on.
9) When you walk into a room / house etc., NEVER even TRY turning on the lights, dress in black and be quiet.
10) Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.
11) Never go near a town that has a mental asylum and a hardware store in the same neighborhood.
12) If you find out that any of your ancestors were burned at the stake for practicing witchcraft, by no means should you EVER: A) move into his old house, B) study any of his experiments or works, C) dig up his grave, D) not immediately burn your family tree and any record of his existence; or he will invariably possess you, kill you, and take over your persona!
13) Never say the killer's name 5 times into the mirror to prove "it's just a story".